The Cruel Reality of Working Multiple Jobs As A Full Time Student

Being a college student isn't all that easy, at least it isn't for me. I work three jobs, something that I mention quite often in my posts, especially as of late. Add in the responsibilities of being a full-time student, and you got a constant state of anxiety and depression, which is what I am living in. 

I can hear you saying 'why don't you cut something out?' Well, I need one job for the money, and the other two are journalism jobs that I have in my field, which is the much needed experience that every journalism person on the planet will tell you is necessary until they are blue in the face. And, of course, I need to go to school and do reasonably well, because without school or education, I wouldn't be able to get anywhere. 

With all this going on, I have no time for a social life, something that makes me sad. I rarely have time to meet with friends, to do things I enjoy and basically just to be a normal 21 year old. I'm not here to complain, but the reality just sucks. 

As the semester progresses, I have less than six weeks until I get through this tough semester. That thought gets me through, although it's not going to help me now. Going to a therapist helps me learn how to change my habits, to learn to be nice and less harsh on myself and to help me deal with the cruel realities of adulthood. In life, there's sometimes when you have to go through something hard to appreciate the fruits of hard work. 

At the end of the day, that's all I can hope for. 

Six weeks until I can leave behind town meetings, long days at school and trying to squeeze everything in less than a week's time. I know I can do it, but I know I need to add something else to the agendas as well. And that's taking care of Natalie, and just doing things that make me happy. Why? Because it's more important than any grade or salary that I would receive. That's what matters more than anything. 

So, readers, if you're in college and having a rough semester, know that you're not alone. Tell me about your own personal experiences in the comments below. I know we can get through this, together. Just remember your sanity is worth more than any ol' grade. It's even worth more than a million dollars. 

One Door Opens, One Door Closes

I guess you can say that this is going to be a period of transition for me. Many know that I'm unhappy with my life, and how things are going in it. This includes my situations with the combination of work and school, which lead to feelings of anxiety and depression. This went on for months and months.
One of the things that was causing me great anxiety was where I was working. It wasn't the job itself. I worked in the campus library, and the job consisted of shelf reading, putting books in order and ensuring that there was order in the library. When the library was dead, I would have the option of doing homework or getting some blog work done. However, I had a supervisor that wasn't the best to work for, to say the least. I'm not going to go into detail here, because I don't want to bash anyone, but she wasn't fair with hours and rules. Basically, the rules would apply to some and not to all. I would be getting the least glamorous hours, from working on Saturdays (which I didn't mind), and not getting enough hours to support myself.
While I took my job seriously, I was frustrated with how I was treated as I wasn't her favorites. I tried riding it out, and eventually consulting my head boss. Nothing changed. This went on for a year and a half, causing me anxiety about my job. Towards the end of my time there, I approached work with absolute dread. I hated my job. I needed to leave, because I couldn't let it control me.
About a week ago, I had gotten the position as a student worker at my campus accounts payable office. I would be doing simple secretarial tasks and sort out mail. I'm optimistic that this job seems like a better fit for me, and hopefully my new officemates and boss will treat me with fairness, something I crave more than anything. I'm extremely optimistic about this new opportunity, as it will hopefully alleviate my anxiety, and make things a million times more bearable for me. I don't disregard this opportunity as something that was a negative one, rather I look at it as something that taught me how to deal with mean people as they will always exist.
As I head into the next chapter in my life which include a new job, getting into the English Honors Society, I hopefully will leave my anxiety behind. I also will be leaving behind some toxic people, whether they may be that boss or friends that I should have cut off a long time ago. All of this in the intention of heading to a new direction in my life, one where I'm not weighed down by my anxiety, or toxic people. You only live once, so why should you live with things that make you either anxious or unhappy? Slowly but surely, I'm embracing these new opportunities, as I close one door and enter a new one. I'm unsure what exactly it's going to bring, however, I'm reading to unlock it with a shiny key to find out. 

An Open Letter To My Anxiety And Depression

Dear Anxiety and Depression,

            You have caused me to feel like I’m just a hopeless mess, someone who wasn’t good at anything or worth anything. If my ‘to-do’ list was haunting me, you were there to remind me that I wasn’t enough to do anything. You would eclipse me into a dark black hole, a reminder that I would never ever be rid of you, as my panic attacks came through like a thunder storm on a summer’s evening.

You’ve taken over my life. It was like one day I was fine, and the next I had to deal with a storm of emotions. And when the storm finally left, I was left to pick up the pieces all alone.

But, I’ve had enough of you. I’ve had enough of the tears, enough of the moments I can’t breath or think straight and enough of feeling like I couldn’t get up from this.

I’m coming to fight you. And I’m not going to stop until you’re dead on the floor gasping for air.  I’m going to learn how to beat the panic attacks, through therapy and through changing my behaviors and environments to create a better outcome. Sure, I can’t control everything. But, I can control you. And that I will. I’m done with feeling sad. I’m done feeling like my world is spiraling like a car losing control in a snowstorm. I’m taking the damn wheel, and I’m in control now. So, move over.

I may never fully beat you. Maybe, you’ll be that ghost in my closet that comes out on rainy days. I value myself, and my happiness more than the tears of loneness and the empty feeling in my chest when I’m all-alone. All of these things are thanks to you.

Thank you for coming into my life, for you caused me to become strong, to learn more about myself and to aspire to do what’s best for me. You may think I’m weak, but I’m strong.
            Basically, what I’m trying to say is you’re not going to be there forever, so I suggest you don’t get too comfortable.

Sincerely,

Natalie

Stressed to Impress?

When looking back at this semester, only one word comes to mind-stress. Stress from work, stress from classes, and stresses to keep my sanity. As it finally draws to a close, I can't help but be grateful for the chance to have a break and just breath. I also can't help but feel victorious in the fact that I survived what I will probably deem as the most stressful time of my life. 

However, it's no secret that college students these days are stressful, which results in anxiety and other mental health problems. Most of my friends, including myself, work multiple jobs. They also go to school full-time, and some even have an internship. This results in many burning out, anxiety levels sky rocketing through the roof, as well as anxiety's effects. According to an article on the New York Times Blog Anxious Students Strain College Mental Health Centers, anxiety now surpasses depression as being the most common mental disorder diagnosis. The article then goes on to say that one in six college students are diagnosed with anxiety in the last year. And with college students like myself loading more and more on their plate, it's easy to see where the ultimate source of stress is. 

In college, the bar is raised and expectations are high. We have to go to class to get a degree, and do the work to getting  passing grade. But in some majors, you need experience. For many this is an internship. Then, we need money to pay bills such as car insurance, and just to have money in general, so then add a part time job. And some college students with outstanding bills often result in working an extra job. Sound like a lot? I haven't factored in sleep, food time, and of course time to just to relax. Bottom line-college is stressful. The question is why is it so?

The answer is that we are out to impress, since we are about to enter a job market that's competitive. So, we pile on jobs, internships, pretty much anything to stand out. And this creates a block of pressure, which can cause the back to break if one isn't careful. 

There's only so many hours in a day a person could keep pushing themselves for it to remain healthy. Everyone needs to realize that they can't keep going at a rapid pace, and not have an effect on themselves. While it's important to have experience, get good grades, and have money, it's also important that we take time for ourselves. Watch Netflix, read a magazine, and just do nothing. When we are programmed to be constantly busy, it can be a weird change. However, it's something that I think is crucial, especially when we are piling everything on ourselves. After all, that's the one thing that can help combat stress. 

Apps Everyone Should Have.

It's no secret that I've been dealing with a lot lately when it comes to mental health. Sometimes, I feel depressed and can get down on myself. However, on those days I've learned to really take care of myself. One of the ways that I do so is through some apps that I have.

One of these apps are What's Up. What's Up is an app that focuses on how to get you through depression. As seen here, there's a thing called "Help Right Now," which focuses on getting you better and calm. Coping Strategies is geared towards getting you to cope with what you're feeling through powerful steps and changes to your thinking pattern. Information helps you get informed about what's going on with you. And finally, the personal section helps you keep track of habits and what's going on with you for the day.
I really like this app because whenever I have a bad day, it helps me control my feelings of depression and feeling overwhelmed. I actually heard about this app through my friend Griffin. I recommend it to anyone whose stressed, anxious or really upset. I also like how it has an information section in it, which helps me learn what's going on with me.

The other app is called I am. Basically there's not much to say about it other than it sends you positive things about you through out the day. You can control what they say, and how often they send you the notifications. I like this app because whenever I'm stressed out, seeing something about the good parts of me never fails to make me happy. Sometimes, we really need to be remind about our good qualities, not just our bad ones.

Dealing With Anxiety and Depression

From time to time, I fall into this dark place. Everything suddenly begins to crumble me, whether it's an obligation for school, life or work. All of a sudden, I'm crying and depressed about the fact that I am so anxious about the obligations. I then fall into the trap of not feeling "good enough" by cracking under the constant pressure I put myself under. Whether it may be getting the best grades to ensure I get another semester on Dean's List, adding more things on my resume or making sure I'm doing the best that I can at work, I sometimes begin to feel the weight of it crumble me. I then think "so many people before me have done this, why am I struggling?"
I've dealt with this constant mix of anxiety and depression for about a year now. I'm anxious because I feel like I'm constantly getting spread too thin. I feel depressed because when I'm anxious it's never a good feeling and then I have the nagging voice in my head that says "you'll never be good enough for anything." It's a voice that's cruel and a voice that constantly reminds me I need to be the best of the best.
For those of you who don't know, I'm graduating later than I had planned. The decision was a result of putting my mental health ahead of the need to squish so much in so little time. I had three options: take six classes each semester, take five classes and two summer classes or take three semesters of four classes. I chose the latter because then I can say that I can try my best without having to get completely overwhelmed with my schedule.
I never have regretted that decision, because I know it was the right one for me. Despite the fact it means not graduating with my closest friends from college.  However with school sadly around the corner, I can't help but begin to get anxious. My friends, my really good ones, will be going back to their perspective places around the world and will no longer be a ten minute car ride away. Of course, I have friends that go to my college but losing the friends I am closer to is none the less devasting. I can now longer get frozen yogurt with Gabriel or hang out with Griffin on lazy summer days. In it's place I'll be working the weekends at my school's library (which I'm used to, but I've never worked both weekend days), taking four classes (one of which I've heard was particularly challenging), working at my hometown newspaper as a freelancer and as a Style Guru for College Fashionista. And of course, there's this blog. Additionally, I might be doing an internship for credit, which I'm unsure I'm going to be able to. It's not even school yet, but I'm not sure how I feel about this. Overwhelmed? Anxious? I honestly don't know. I just know I'm not ready to face the fact that once school starts, my break will end and I have to constantly put school before everything else. I will have to face the future, and I will be stressed with deadlines and obligations of things I must do.
It's no secret that school has made me anxious. The thoughts that stream my mind are: Was that paper the best I could have made it? What if I fail that test? I need to get on Dean's List, I need to do better than that and put more effort, and I should be able to handle the stresses of school and work. However, I don't want my life to become a constant string of pushing myself too hard or too thin. It leads to me feeling so anxious about what needs to be done, and then leads to me doing badly. And then I'm depressed that I'm doing badly, and that I'm so overwhelmed with all of this. It's a vicious cycle of trying to be the best, and then failing. The failure leads to depression about it. I don't know if I actually have anxiety or clinical depression, I do know that I feel those emotions quite a bit.
The thing is I need to take care of Natalie. I'm 21 years old, and I still don't know how to do that or make it a priority. And that's something I need to learn. I need to learn that taking a break to write down what I'm feeling is okay because it will make me feel better. I need to do things that requires me to take a step back from my daily responsibilities, whether it's a quick trip to Starbucks, a walk around the block or writing in my journal. As much as it's important to have a good GPA and jobs on my resume, it's also important to not be depressed or anxious all of the time. Sometimes, everyone needs a break to reflect and to take care of themselves. It's a practice that needs to be more important than being the best in show.
I'm currently trying to pull myself on one of my signature Natalie bad moods, or the "mean-reds" as Holly Golightly calls them. Although I'm no longer sobbing on the phone to my friends, I'm still emotional and I'm still depressed. I'm trying to take care of myself, by taking the advice of a dear friend and stepping back. I read a magazine, went to one of my favorite stores and treated myself to a bracelet that helps promote calm. (whether or not it actually does, we'll have to wait and see.) Although it may appear selfish to do so, I deem it as necessary. My mental health needs to be as important to nurse as my physical. I need to give myself a break, be kinder to myself and put my happiness above everything else. (IE friends who constantly bring me down, and all of the things that are important in life) If I am too stressed out, the blog doesn't have to be
At the end of the day, I believe that's what matters more than anything else. My goals for my senior year are to stop worrying about everything under the sun, make taking care of Natalie the first priority and doing the best I can. In my opinion, despite all of my accomplishments, I think that's the best thing I can ever do. 

I Wanna Get Better

Last week, I wrote a post entitled 'The Importance of Taking Time For Yourself' in which I talked about my issues with my mental health and having to take a step back. I first want to take a moment and say thank you to a few people who have emailed and supported me, including my good friends Bethany and Kari.
I've decided to once again post about it for two reasons. The first is that I want to be able to talk about it, and have people look up to me as being a strong individual. If someone is suffering due to depression or other mental health issues, I want them to know that they are not alone. Even though I know first hand that it sure as hell doesn't feel like that. The second is that writing for me is some sort of therapy. My blog is my account of my life, and sometimes writing a post is always helpful. I previously stated that I have slowly evolved from sharing every detail about my life on my blog, but at the same time, I feel like I could benefit from doing so. I don't know if this will become a regular part of my blog, but if I feel like I want to write about something, I will write about it.
Since writing that first post, I still haven't felt normal. Crying has become a sense of normal for me, and I constantly have been feeling miserable. It's affected my friendships, because I would lean on my friends, especially my good friends who I trust more than anyone. I am lucky to have such good friends, but they are not my therapists. I am in the process of getting a therapist, but sometimes there are things that people can't do to make you better.
I've also been furthering on cutting down on my weekly articles. As an editor for my school's paper, I have to write 2 articles for my own section. I also am taking an intense writing class, where I have to write another article weekly. And of course, there's this little ol' blog where I write every day in pretty much. Although scheduling posts is helpful, I still am writing a lot. 
Cutting down on my responsibilities, as well as dropping one of my classes was a step in the right direction, but I often feel like I am a failure for doing so. I've put a crazy amount of pressure on myself to become a better. However, I have given myself crazy high expectations, and that's not good. I need to realize that I am in fact enough, no matter what my GPA is. I need to learn that my best is in fact enough. I have to learn to take things on a step by step basis, and not worry so much about what something that happens next year.
I wanna get better. I don't want to be depressed, and I want to be happy. I'm taking steps towards happiness, and I know that it will be a while. I am a human who is a work in progress. I don't hold the answers to everything, in fact I hold the answers to next to nothing. I do know one thing. I know that the road to being better relies on me, and only me alone. I'm not sure how long it will take for me to reach the destination, but I know that I am a strong person who can handle anything. 

The Importance of Taking Time Out for Yourself.

As a blogger, I have the decision to post whatever I want to post. It's all a part of being free and having your own webspace to do it in. I've gone back and forth in deciding I wanted to post this, especially since one you post something on the Internet, there's no way of going back. However, I've decided to do so, since blogging is all about being honest and stuff.
First things first, it's been a while since I've posted on a Tuesday. I've also been out of the blogging world for a little while, and took a 12 day hiatus from this little old blog. I'm deciding to come back, mainly cause blogging is my forte, but also because I really missed blogging. I could never not blog, and I am grateful to those who come back day after day on this little space on the Internet to see words that I've written in.
This semester, by far, is the worst semester that I've had. It's only been about a month, however, I am stressed out the way that I would normally would be during finals. I work two jobs, and at the start of the semester, was taking 5 classes. I felt like I had a mountain of work, without anytime to complete any of it. I was constantly overwhelmed and felt awful because of it. I constantly came home with a severe migraine (I have 5 classes in a day) and felt so depressed that I was constantly walking around on the verge of tears. I felt like everyone had these expectations of me, and I slowly began to lose what's important. (Which is, for those of you who don't know, being happy with yourself.) I however also felt that I shouldn't be complaining this much about my schedule, because that was life. It's a part of college, and the semester was only four months. So, for about a week, I was completely and totally miserable.
The breaking point for me was one Tuesday when I called a good friend of mine who is also my pastor and just started crying to her and saying that I couldn't handle it. That morning, I had gotten so sick, that I was throwing up before one of my classes. She was extremely comforting to me, and offered me some great advice. She told me to simply cut back. So, the next day, I went to my job and cut back on some of my hours. Luckily, my boss was kind enough to understand, and cut my hours back a bit.
However, I still felt overwhelmed with my schedule. At first, I thought it was me being lazy. In addition to taking five classes, working at the newspaper, and working at the library, I had been writing four articles (2 to keep my job; book review; class project), and of course keeping up with the blog. Enter the need for a break with the blog, with the hopes that it would help. I did go to my mom for guidance, who only suggested to drop a class.
So, after a few more weeks, I met with my academic adviser and explained to her what was going on. She then thought I was nuts for my schedule, and told me that I probably should withdraw from one of my classes. After a few days of thinking, I knew that this was the right thing for me to do. Even though it probably won't look the best on grad school apps (she did go on to tell me that it would be fine since I wasn't planning on doing this every semester) and that I wouldn't be graduating on time, I knew that this would be the answer for me.
This past Saturday, I withdrew from my class, and honestly I never thought that it would be something that I myself would be doing. As a result, I'll be graduating a semester later than I originally planned. Although this changed my life plan, I am realizing something else. And that is the importance of taking care of yourself, and putting yourself first. I believe that I was putting way too much on my plate, causing me to break. So, therefore, I am taking a break.
My goal for the remaining parts of this semester is to take care of myself. I'm in the process of getting a therapist. (Snow hasn't been helpful for that, everytime I made an appointment it got cancelled because of snow) I also am trying to make more time for things, treating myself (which isn't so great on my bank account), and trying to treat myself better. I hope to never find myself in that situation again, and I am now realizing that no grade is worth risking your mental health over.
As for my blog, I plan to be blogging for a while. Every now and then, I'll be taking a bit of a break if I feel like I'm overwhelmed. But, I'm taking care of me, which is something that I need to realize is important.

#inspirationmovement-Respectful Relationships

Recently, I was watching an episode on Doctor Phil when the husband was emotionally abusing his wife. He said the only way that he would get back with her was if she lost some weight, like 50-100 pounds worth of weight, and she started paying more attention to him. He often praises himself as being a 'catch', and 'completely irresistible to women.' And on top of it all, he was cheating on her with a range of 8-15 women throughout their marriage.
Ladies and gentlemen, I present you the king of all scum. I also present to you emotional abuse, and unhealthy relationships at its finest.
In this kind of relationship, we often question the woman that's in this relationship. The man is a creep, and a complete idiot for lack of better words. However, I feel sad for the woman because she thinks that is the best that she's ever gotten. Her self-respect, in addition to her self-esteem, and her self worth were gone. Her husband was to blame, and I think he should face some sort of punishment. At the very least, someone should kick him where the sun don't shine.
As I was watching this, I realized that the woman on the show wasn't alone. There were thousands of women who probably were in some sort of unhealthy relationship. Whether its the type that leaves a physical or an emotional bruise, many of us have once been into some sort of unhealthy relationship. And it bugs me, because these types of relationships lack things that normal relationships lack. They lack space, respect, and trust.
No one on this earth deserves to be treated by someone they are involved with romantically with horribly. Relationships are supposed to make you happy in every way possible. They shouldn't make you cry, and they shouldn't feel like a war-zone. We all deserve someone that treats us with respect, and gives us our breathing room.
I've written a lot about abusive relationships, and it's a subject that I am passionate about because I want dating violence to stop. It's not that difficult to sustain a healthy relationship. You have to trust that person when you're not around. You have to have friends, and things going on in your life that isn't that other person. You have to speak up for yourself when you're getting put down, because you don't deserve that.
So, what are the signs of an abusive relationships? For starters, if someone who doesn't let you see your friends, insults your weight/style, and tries to insult you, they are abusing you. If they are hitting you, than they are abusing you. Love shouldn't hurt, and love shouldn't leave you in tears. Abusive relationships can be stopped with one thing and that is awareness. I may not have all of the signs here, but a quick google search can have even more.
I've heard somewhere that you should be with someone who doesn't think that they deserve you, and I half agree with that. I agree with that because they will treat you in a way that makes you feel like you're a queen on a throne. They will treat you like you deserve to be treated. Although you shouldn't put someone on a pedestal, which is something that I am uncomfortable with, everyone deserves someone to treat them right. Man, woman, gender-queer, or trans, you all deserve to feel love. You know real, inconvenient, can't live without you sort of love. The kind that makes you feel good about yourself in the morning when you wake up, and seeing them makes you feel so bubbly it's like your insides are floating in soda. You don't deserve someone who makes you swim in a blood bath, and makes you cry on the regs. It's sad that many people lower themselves just for the sake of feeling lonely, because they don't deserve it.
As long as I'm alive, you'll be loved by one person on the planet. I can talk to you all until I am blue in the face about how you all deserve healthy relationships to help us grow into healthy and strong individuals, and you all can do one of three things. Talk, to whoever. Whether it's a person that you think is a part of these relationships, or just in general to a bunch of girlfriends during Sunday brunch. You can listen to someone whose in this situation. Or, if you are in an abusive relationship realize that you deserve much more than someone who wants to beat you down.
This is Doctor Natalie, and I am wishing you good mental health Internet.