All Your Fears..

Sometimes, I wonder what the hell is wrong with me. The hardest thing in the world for me to is to let someone else be there for me. I may have an oversized ego, but deep down I am the most insecure person that you can ever meet. Why is it so difficult for me to just say yes and just let myself finally be...well able to trust someone. 

I don't understand why I am feeling the way that I am feeling. Where is the trigger to this strange notion? I don't know. I just know that I feel something. Maybe it's fear, because I'm scared. Maybe it's anger at someone whose hurt me in the past. Or maybe, it's me wanting to remain the way that I am. 

In the past, I've always run away or denied my feelings. When I finally admitted them, it was too late. In Freud's psychology, it can be said that I may have some unresolved conflicts that truly should get resolved. But, a lot of people don't like Freud so I guess that could be wrong. 

I've come a long way since I last met someone whose made me happy enough to actually say that "I like you." I suffered an eating disorder, I dealt with grief, and actually started to get my life together. But, I'm worried that on some level that can destroy it. I'm worried that if I let my walls down, they might get crumbled. I'm worried that if I say I love you, then I wouldn't hear those same words back. I can deal with this anxiety with humor, and my personal favorite, running from them. But, what if there's no more places to run?

When I begin to trust someone, I begin to expose myself to them. I'm a very what you see and what you get kind of person. Then, comes the haunting fear of worry. What if they don't like that version of me? What if they don't like me, and they just want me to go away? Maybe it's from my past, or maybe it's just something that I really need to get over. 

At the end of the day, I just want someone to love me. Someone to make sure that I'm okay when I cry. Someone that knows me, trusts me, and I can trust them. Someone to accept that sometimes I am a certain way because of what happened. I'm a complicated person, but I wish I wasn't. I want my guard to be down. I want to be able to go up to someone and say 'dude, I trust you.' Lately, it seems like all of my fears are coming to me wrapped up in a little bow. I really don't want to run from them, but I'm worried perhaps more than anything that they can come true.

"I'm Still Breathing".

Lately I've been thinking about a lot of things that went on in my past. Yes, I heard don't dwell on the past, focus on the future, and all of that. However, I can't help but wonder if our past affects who we are now? Kind of like that ghost that we bury deep in that closet. Is it always going to be there? How does it affect us? If it didn't happen, would we be the same people?

I could say that things that happened in my past do seep into my actions in the future. Rejection, for example, can affect your ability to want to reach out. Why try something that could perhaps we lose? Therefore, we become wallflowers who don't reach out into the world because we are simply too scared. Sometimes I wonder what brings that fear on, and how we can overcome it. Once we encounter people that punch internal holes in us. When that happens, it changes us. It makes us question every move, and put words in other people's mouth that probably weren't even in there.

When I was a psychology student, I learned about fears and in therapy, we can overcome it. Sometimes, we awfulize things when in reality we don't know what's going to happen. There's a 50-50 change of being rejected when you ask someone out, if you ask me. The chances go up higher if you know they like you, and the chances go lower if you're the member of the chess team asking the head cheerleader out. Sometimes, the solution is to flood them, and to make them experience their fear head on. In other times, we must face fear in a gradual sense. There's a famous saying that the only thing to fear about fear is fear itself. And what do we fear? Falling, and feeling hurt. 

However, there's something about slowly but surely facing the things that once hurt is. The hurt that we overcame just makes stronger people. Kelly Clarkson sings "What Doesn't Kill You Makes You Stronger", and she was right. 

Something that I think I have a habit of is running away and avoiding the whole thing altogether. I want things, but I don't want them if it comes as a too high gamble. I wonder if that's a part of me that will always be there, or will I ever overcome it. Even though I slowly am, I can see bits and pieces from my past morphing into my present. I question things, I wonder if he means the words that he said. I wonder if I'm texting him too much, because of someone else who came before did. I don't understand why those little things that meant nothing back then can affect who I am now. 

We're still here, despite sometimes we feel like we went through hell and back. We all have war wounds, and we all have made mistakes. We just have to remember we deserve the happiness that we get coming to us, because in a sense, we fought for it. 

*The song used in the title is "Still Breathing" by Mayday Parade