Tuesday, July 30, 2013

I Don't Understand Love.

I don't understand love.
I don't understand what people do when their in love.
Is there something wrong with me?
As you can tell, I don't understand love. I don't understand why the feeling exists? Is it something that we simply can not help, because we want to belong to someone, to be a part of something great? I thought I often understood love. But, I don't.
I used to be one of those people who thought that she knew all about love, don't get me wrong. I used to actually think that I was in love. But, I wasn't. I was head over heels in infatuation.
I don't understand how some of my friends act when they are in love. How could they abandon all  of their friends, and suddenly change themselves to become someone else? Did they like get some special mold, and then mold themselves to it? I don't understand how all of a sudden you can change. Eventually you're going to hate living the lie, and want to unlive it.
My name is Natalie and I don't get love, and maybe just maybe I never will. I hope to one day experience it, because it's something that I want to have beside me. A person to love, and to share my life and my accomplishments with. Someone to let me be me, without having to change who I am, and what I want. Someone to say it's alright to be sad, I'll support you. Someone to live a balanced life full of friends, education, and of course the life that we do build together.
I want that kind of love.

Sunday, July 28, 2013

The BadAss Playlist

Okay every now and then someone needs to feel like a badass. Why? Because feeling like a badass is perhaps in my opinion the greatest feeling in the world. So here's some songs that I listen to whenever I want to feel like a complete and total badass.

  1. Fighter by Christina Aguilera
  2. I Don't Care by Fall Out Boy
  3. I Love It by Icona Pop 
  4. DR Feelgood by Motley Crue
  5. Kickstart My Heart by Motley Crue 
  6. Too Young to Fall In Love by Motley Crue
  7. Hellraiser by Ozzy Osbourne
  8. Another Brink in the Wall (part two) by Pink Floyd
  9. Dirty Deeds by ACDC
  10. Highway to Hell by ACDC
  11. Back in Black by ACDC
  12. Get a Grip by Aerosmith 
  13. Don't Get Mad, Get Even by Aerosmith 

Friday, July 26, 2013

Fictional Friday: Obessive Love.

Disclaimer: The people and events in this story are purely fiction and DO NOT relate to anyone who exists in real life.

She writes her not furiously and fast like a doctor writing a prescription. "I've got to get this done", she snaps with determination.
I sat there, my psychology book wide open on my lap. Lately this routine has become more and more common-Jen obsessing or doing some sort of crazy notion for her boyfriend. Her boyfriend, or her drama with her boyfriend always took center ring compared to everything else. Her life centered around Nate like the earth orbited around the sun.
I gave Natalia a look. She rolled her eyes. Lately, lunch was all about her and her soap opera lifestyle. It was about Nate, about her looks, or some other complaint about how the world didn't roll her way.
Her iPhone buzzed onto the table. It lit up as a text message icon appeared. I watched Jen jump as if she was being shocked.
"Ugh, that asshole", she grumbled, as she went back to scribbling her love note.
"Who?" Natalia asked, as she picked at her french fries.
"Nate, that's who!"
Natalia rolled her eyes.
"What did he do?" I asked. I closed my book and thought "What did he do now, you obsessive freak." Of course, I didn't. She was in hurricane mode, and Natalia and I wanted to save ourselves from any damage.
"He hasn't answered his phone!"
"Since when?" I asked.
"Fourth period", she said.
"That was two hours ago.  You must be dying of separation since you've been separated for all of that length of time. And he didn't text you? What a jerk", Natalia said full of over dramatic sarcasm.
"What are you writing?" I asked, trying to derive attention away from Natalia's performance.
"A note for Nate."
"When do you plan to give it to him?" Natalie asked.
"Next period."
Natalia and I sighed. We sometimes let the storm pass through. The only thing in it's way was our friendship.

Jen was always independent, and confident. I never expected her to lower herself so low for a boy. I never thought that she would be the type for a boyfriend, forever riding the single life.
She met Nate at the beginning of senior year. Well, her senior year since he was a year behind us. They didn't become a couple until about February.
Slowly after that, I saw her fall in love. Or lust, as it became her obsession. At first, I thought that it was cute, then it turned annoying.

As the bell rang, and she gathered her books and ran out. Of course, she was looking for Nate.
"God, it's getting worse," Natalia said.
"She's gone mad."
"I don't think that he can handle her much more", Natalia said.
"Can I be honest?" I asked.
Natalia nodded. "Sure".
"I kind of hope he breaks up with her," I said. "Then she'll learn."
"She won't let him go."
"You know", Natalia said. "If you strangle a guy like this, he won't be able to breathe. It's only a matter of time before he leaves. He probably is afraid to do anything with out her by his side."
"He'll be stuck forever", I said as we stopped in front of my Spanish classroom.
"Poor kids. On that note, have a good Spanish class," Natalia said.
"Bye", I said.

Later that day:
My phone buzzed with a text from Jen, just as I was about to eat a cookie. I opened it.
"Hey free to talk?"
I hesitated before typing a response. It was the usual 'yes, what's wrong?' I then threw my phone down at the table in fustration. It buzzed again. I picked it up.
'I think that Nate is mad at me".
"Why?"I knew that wasn't the response to something such as this, especially when I didn't care about the reasons why.
'He seemed so distant today. Yesterday, he was the polar opposite. He even bought me flowers!'
I wanted to tell her to leave me alone. I wanted to tell her to get a life. But I didn't. I just said that maybe he wanted to be with his friends. Normal people have friends, and have a girlfriend at the same time.
"Why would he do that? He would much rather hang out with me?" she asked.
Finally frustration was bubbling over like a washing machine with too much soap.
"You know what?' I asked. "I'm tired of analyzing Nate's every action. I don't care anymore. Please leave me alone.'
She typed responses. Many. I chose not to read them, shutting my phone off for the evening. I didn't speak to Jen much after that, and last I heard from her, she was getting married to Nate. Rumors spiraled that she trapped him by having a baby.

Wednesday, July 24, 2013

Being True to Me.

Lately, I've been doing a lot of thinking about my values, views and opinions on various things. What do I stand for? What do I believe in?
For starters, I don't believe in spending my time with people who don't do the right things, or things that I'm not comfortable with. That doesn't mean that if you're my friend and you begin to drink an alcoholic beverage, I wouldn't want to be your friend. It does mean that I probably won't be around you, or situations when alcohol is present. I believe that you are who you surround yourself with, and I don't want to spend my time getting drunk or doing actions that could have a long term effect than waking up with a hangover. Alcohol is not my thing, and I ask that if you are my friend that you respect my views on this subject. I will, when I turn 21 and it's legal try alcohol, but not to the point where I'm drunk and overindulgent. Because that's where I think it's the problem area. Plus, when you're underage, I can't help but wonder if people drink it just simply because of the thrill of doing something forbidden.
I also believe that all relationships should start out private. In my previous one, I would tell everyone who would listen that I was in a relationship with this wonderful guy, who wasn't so wonderful. Looking back, now I want to keep certain things private. I believe that it's no one's business other than myself, the person involved, and parents. This gives us time to truly figure out what's what, with out friends, or anyone else having their own opinion about it. I would eventually, when it felt right, post my relationship status on social networking sites, and tell friends. But I won't change it right away, or even after post those sappy status that you see. (you guys know what I'm talking about.) I believe that it takes away from what you actually have, which is right in front of you. Not in front of a screen.
I've also decided to stand up for myself or others whenever I feel like myself or others are not being treated right. I have a habit of letting people walk all over me, and that has got to stop. The only time I really voice my opinion when something is wrong, is with people that I know that will listen to me and not want to hate me afterwards. It's a matter of comfort zone, and I realize that's not how it works. If you're treating me badly, then I'm going to tell you so we can fix it. It's as simple as that. If you don't agree or even want to, then perhaps you're not worth having in my life.
I'm also beginning to accept myself for what I am, not what I wished that I could be. I used to hate the way that I look. Now, I've figured out who I am, and I'm okay that I'm not a size zero. I'm okay with the choices that I've made. Sometimes I have my moments, but I think that's a part of being human. Everyone has days when their heels aren't that shiny.
Being true to yourself is perhaps the most important thing to keep in mind for this life. I believe that because if you're not true to yourself, then you find yourself in situations that you don't want to be in. Then, the shoe won't fit just right, and the friends that you have only know the face that you put on for them. Not the naked soul that stands behind them. I'm still finding my voice, but I'm sure more about myself now than I've ever been.

Monday, July 22, 2013

The American Experience?

Over the past year, I got to know the Italian foreign exchange student at my former high school. During that year, she and I become extremely close. I had also learned about the several experiences that you and I consider to be normal, aren't exactly normal. For example, prom. It's a sacred life ritual in America, that some say is terribly overrated. For them, it's something that they only see in the movies. But for us, it's something that we look forward and dream about since we enter school and watch our older cousins or siblings look like something straight out of a Disney movie. Some of us even get to have the experience twice or even three times depending on how popular you are.
That got me to think about the American Experience. What makes us American? What makes us so different then the rest of the countries that are out there? What is the American Experience exactly?
Well, I don't know the answer. But in my usual flare and style, here is my opinion.
Being American is being united. In good times, when we celebrate a major victory, and in the bad times when some sort of tragedy strikes like in Newtown, 9/11, and the Boston Marathon bombings. It's when we come together every summer to celebrate our country's birthday, or every November when we sit down and eat a giant bird. It's when our grandparents were buying war bonds, and planting victory gardens. It's fireworks, and it's Memorial Day barbecues. It's the melting pot of several different cultures mixed together to create a delicious mixture that is just ours. It's appreciating our freedoms, our past generation's sacrifices, and expressing ourselves freely. For anyone who wants to experience America, they have to go through prom, celebrate the holidays, and truly becoming a part of the melting pot that makes us, well us.
That, in my opinion is the American Experience. And I'm proud to say that I'm an American.

Sunday, July 21, 2013

The Guilty Pleasure Playlist.

Everyone has that guilty pleasure that they don't want to talk  about. Often times, it's because they have some sort of fear of being judged. So, after thinking about this, I made a playlist called "The Guilty Pleasure Playlist," with all music that I can't help but enjoy..

  1. Red by Taylor Swift. Although, I'm into hard, classic rock that probably makes people who really into this sort of music want to scream, I still like her. I like it because it's the kind of music that you can relate to and sing out loud like you own it. 
  2. What Makes You Beautiful by One Direction. I love this song because it makes me feel good about myself. The end.
  3. Super Bass by Nicki Minaj. I used to like Nicki Minaj way back when. Therefore, whenever this song (or any other song from Pink Friday for that matter) I can't help but wanting to sing along.
  4. Come Clean by Hilary Duff. Okay, so what 90s kid didn't enjoy her?
  5. My Heart Will Go On by Celine Dion. Okay, so it's not a guilty pleasure, but this song is so pretty. I'm such a chick.
  6. Call Me Maybe by Carly Rae Jepson. Okay, who doesn't know all of the words to this song? Seriously, it gets into your head. Plus, it's so true!
I think that we shouldn't be ashamed about our guilty pleasures, and we should just own them. After all, it's all just something that we like, and we shouldn't have to hide it! 

Wednesday, July 17, 2013

The Path Less Chosen

Sometimes, we do things that do not make sense to others. However, those things are the things that make the most sense to us. We can not explain the cause of dreams, of why we want the things that we want to do, we just want to do them. No explanations. The paths that we chose may not be the path is walked on more, however, it's the path that is made for us.
The path that I'm choosing may not be the one that makes the most sense to many people. I am currently working on completing a Bachelor of Arts in English with a specialization of Creative Writing, and psychology with a specialization of mental health. Being a double major wasn't an easy choice. It was the result of lots of thought, research and soul searching. By the end, I have realized that the double major was the right one for me. I knew then it wasn't the easiest path for me to choose. However, I'm not afraid of hard work, especially when success is down the road.
The cool thing about English and Psychology is that one area of study can benefit the other. For example, English can help my psychology major by giving me the option to do written therapy with my patients. Based on personal experience, writing is the ultimate release for whatever is going wrong in my life. I can honestly say that writing is something that helps me whenever I'm down.
Psychology can also benefit English as well. Knowing a lot about personality, development, and about the human mind in general can be helpful in the writing process. One of the best things, perhaps one of my most favorite things, is that I have the ability to identify what stage a person is presented by men such as Kohlberg, Piaget, and Frued. This is helpful because when you go to write things, knowing the stage of life that person is in can help shape the person's way of thinking similar to the way we think at that age.
The path less chosen can sometimes have its benefits as I mentioned. Every class that I've been taking through out my years as a student has left me with something that I previously did not have. There is no such thing as a negative learning experiences. However with the path less chosen, there are people who will openly tell you that you will not be a success. Those people are the hardest to overcome. When we do overcome them, we feel like we're on top of the world.
And that's the true benefit of the harder path, in my opinion.

Sunday, July 14, 2013

On The Other Side

Someday, we'll meet again.
Someday, this pain might end.
And I will find you,
Pain free, it will be just us too.
And it will be everything and more
Once I push back through the door.

One day, I'll meet you on the other side,
One day, I will cross the tide.
I will always love you;
True love can cross through us two
I'll just meet you on the other side

Help me get through the hours,
Help me keep the love that's ours.
I will always love you,
Oh yes I do.

One day, I'll meet you on the other side,
One day, I will cross the tide.
I will always love you;
True love can cross through us two
I'll just meet you on the other side

I'll be yours forever;
Why can't we be together?

One day, I'll meet you on the other side,
One day, I will cross the tide.
I will always love you;
True love can cross through us two
I'll just meet you on the other side

Thursday, July 11, 2013


Tomorrow I turn 19 years old. It's strange, seeing that my teenage years are a year from being over. Last year, I wrote an entry called 18 where I wrote 18 things about myself. So here's a new updated version called 19, because this is my blog and I can do whatever I want to.

  1. I hate white shoes. I don't know why, I just like to wear black shoes.
  2. My favorite actress is Emma Stone. Therefore, my favorite movie is Easy A. Other celebrities that I love are Lauren Conrad, Steven Tyler, and Alexis Bledel. 
  3. I just got an iPhone, and I've been obsessed with buying cases for it. 
  4. Over the past year I realized who my true friends are. They are the ones that come over when I'm too nervous to call people, the ones who listen to me cry over Facebook Messenger, the ones who I sing Taylor Swift with, the ones who I buy rubbar ducks for, and the ones who I watch Disney movies with. Although the tide is sometimes hide and rocky, I do know that they are awesome people to surround myself with, and for that, I'm grateful.
  5. I hate eggs. It's supposedly very healthy for you, however the smell makes me what to throw up. 
  6. My favorite color is purple. I actually pretty much paint my nails purple pretty much all of the time, for those of you who notice my nails. 
  7. My guilty pleasures are Taylor Swift, and reality television.
  8. I've been thinking a lot about relationships lately. As lonely as I get, I realize that sometimes being single isn't a curse. However, it would be nice to have someone say that I love you, and I chose you. 
  9. I've seen every episode of Secret Life of the American Teenager, Nashville, Gilmore Girls, Fraiser, and Golden Girls. 
  10. My senior quote was from Golden Girls. It was "just remember, you're smarter than people say you are. You've got good sense, and you know what you're doing."
  11. My favorite band is Aerosmith. My favorite singer is Madonna.
  12. I want to be a part of Yale; either attending grade school there, or working at the hospital. I don't know why, it's just very fascinating. 
  13. I don't understand how teenagers have sex or how people my age have children. I'm not ready for that commitment, and I'm too immature for that. 
  14. I want to go to Italy, Paris, and California at least once in my life. 
  15. For some odd reason, I prefer cupcakes over actual cake. I'm very wierd. 
  16. Over the past year, school has gone really high on my list of priorities. I've realized that if I don't do well in school, then I won't do well in the real world. College has caused me to work harder, and because of that, I spend most of my life studying when I'm in school. 
  17. I worry about losing people in my life, based on past experiences of people randomly walking out of me. 
  18. I'm currently writing three novels. 
  19. I'm a Cancer. That means that I'm a crab.

Friday, July 5, 2013

I'm Still Here..

Hey guys! I haven't forgotten about blogging, however I am participating in Camp Nano Wri Mo..where I will attempt to write a 50,000 word novel. I'm going to try to write, but if not, I'll see you in August!