Tuesday, January 29, 2013

Dear Old Natalie

I was going through a bunch of my old blog entries, mostly as a means of procrasination. I can not believe how different my life is now as opposed to then. I then began to wonder, is there still part of that little 16 year old girl, existing in me today. I began to think about it, and then I composed this letter, to myself at age 16:

Dear Natalie,
First of all, don't drop typing class. Why? Because eventually, the skills that you learn in that class will come in handy, such as when you're trying to type a paper. However, I would advise you to keep the spellcheck on. It would save you from a lot of errors. In addition to that, keep the iPod charged. It will get you through it.
You're just about to go through on what will be one of the harder times in your life. Watching your grandfather, the one who has raised you since birth die of Alzheimer's is perhaps one of the hardest things that you'll have to endure. However, do realize that you're not alone, although you may feel it. You have the love and support of your friends, and during this difficult time, you do then realize whose there for you and whose not. His battle will be long, but do know, although it's difficult to fathom, that he is going to be in a much better place, where he will watch over you as you graduate high school, and begin college. (Which you really should get to deciding where, just saying. But that's okay. You get into an awesome school) Through out all that, he will love you just as much as he would as if he were standing right behind you.
There is so much things I could tell you now that I think will benefit you, but I'll stick to the most important things that I think will help you. No matter what, Natalie, know that everything will be okay, because if it's not okay, it's not the end. Not everyday of your life is going to be happy, and you'll spend a good number of days in the future grieving and walking around with a blackened heart. But then, after a while, know that it will get better. You have a lot to be grateful for; such as a roof over your head, and food to nourish your general well-being. You have a lot of people who will catch you when you fall. Stop looking for approval, because you've got a lot of it. And finally, no one can make you fell inferior without your consent. Don't let someone tell you how to run your life, or bring you down. Yes, words can hurt, but at the end of the day, they can bounce off you like a dart board. Natalie, remember that you're the best that you're meant to be, and at the end of the day that's all that matters.


Dear Readers Past And Present

Dear Readers,
First of all, thank you for reading my blog. It means A LOT to me that I get to share my crazy ideas that pop into my head on a daily basis. Give yourself a pat on the back, or use my personal method of reward, which is if you all know me personally, a cookie.
Anyways, I wanted to ask you all a favor. Ironically, because some of you don't know me and stuff, but yes, I do ask of you something. I am taking a creative writing class at my school, and notice that I keep on getting lots of comments that have to do with my grammar. Although I have improved greatly over the years, I feel like I can go even farther. (Thus making me an awesome writer, more then I am now anyways..haha) That's where you folks come in. I would like you to offer any critique that you can when it comes to the spelling and grammar portions of my blog. However, I do ask that you refrain from profanity, because this is meant to help me. Not make me feel bad about myself. Anyways, this includes spelling, grammar issues, basic things like that. The ultimate goal of this is to further enhance my writing ability, and writing even better than I have before.

Monday, January 28, 2013

People are Like Trees.

Life is like a tree. Sometimes, we are bare, and naked, without leaves, waiting for new beginnings, as a tree is in winter. Other times, we are like summer, enjoying life, and having people enjoy our potential beauty. And other times, we are like fall, ready to rid of our past, and old ways, spread lovely things that make most of us sneeze for a few weeks.
Not one human remains the same throughout the course of his or her life time. In the physical sense, meaning that no one looks the same when they enter this world, to when it's time for their demise. We also grow mentally, from when we are a child, and read those little books, to adulthood, when we are able to follow the newspaper, and stuff.
The biggest change that we experience through out life is maturity, and personality. Through experiences, and life changes, we tend to change personality. For example, as a teenager begins to mature, they tend to shy away from binge drinking, and begin to drink sparingly, because they begin to realize what drinking can do to oneself, and their bodies. Not the best example, but whatever.
Sometimes, changes in the personality, can change relationships, whether with friendships or significant others. The main thing here, is that people grow. It makes me sad that some of the people that I used to be so close with are no longer close with me. However, it does make me more grateful for the people that I do have to hang out with, such as the people who I communicate with and see on a daily basis. (you know who you are..) Sometimes, in the friendships that were terminated in the past, we often regret to see that the people that we once were so close to turn into complete strangers. In other cases, there are some relationships in our lives that are just toxic. We later in life realize that.
People are like trees. They grow. They change. And sometimes, people try to hurt you, to keep you from that change.

Saturday, January 26, 2013

Look and See.

I guess you don't know what you've done to me;
I guess you don't care to look and see.
What I do should be up to me not to you;
You don't have to agree with what I do.
I don't think burying me with your words will solve anything,
You didn't care what sorrow it will bring.
You did it for you, I understand that,
I was wrong, sometimes am, you can't demand that
But you were wrong too, you know?
That wasn't the way to go.
So fuck you and all that you've done,
You've helped no one.
Selfish desires
They don't put out the midnight fires,
As I walk past you,
Wonder what happened to the part was true,
I realize you were never a friend to me,
I let a confident turn into an enemy.

Friday, January 25, 2013


I'm not perfect, I will be the first to admit it. I have many flaws about me, all of which, I will openly admit to. However, lately, I've been feeling like that's a bad thing, not being perfect. And it's totally not. Often, we put ourselves under the pressure of being so, for whatever reason..
We're human. Humans do stupid things. Humans have flaws. If we didn't, we would be like we were robots, wandering around like R2D2 in Star Wars. Humans make mistakes. Humans forget books, and humans fail tests. We can not hold ourselves to a standard of perfection, when there is no such thing. We can try to be, but often it fails.
Also, we can't be like someone. I hate it honestly when my mother expects me to do the things the way that she did them or wants me to do them. Those choices my mom made were good for her, not for me. I'm not my mother. We're totally different people. But yet, she expects me to attack life the way she did. And I'm afraid that it's something that I can't do. And that has created a weight of attempts of perfection that crush me at times, causing me to crack like an egg. Of course, I realize that I'm not perfect, and I'm not my mother.
I'm me. Natalie. I have glasses, I spend A LOT of my time reading and writing, and I like rock music. I play an instrument, and I want to be a psychologist slash writer, and will be an eventual double major. It's a lot, but I know I can handle anything that's thrown at my way. There are times when I lose my head, yeah that's normal. But I am me, and if you can't accept that, then it's best that you don't stand in my way when I prove you to be wrong.
Sometimes, when the weight of pressure is too hard to bear, you realize that you are perfect the way that you are. After all, a friend once told me that everything's going to be okay, in the end. And if it's not okay, then it's not the end. And it's not the end. It's only the damn beginning.

Thursday, January 24, 2013

Talk to Me. Talk to Me?

There are many ways of communicating with each other. Sometimes, we tend to use it in ways that are effective. Others, we tend to ineffectively use it, causing a negative effect, opposite of what we originally have intended it, thus epically failing in our efforts to communicate. 
What are positive ways of communicating? Well, the first is to express your views on the matter being discussed, using the terms "I feel like this.." "Or this makes me feel like.." This way, people don't think your blaming them for what's going on, or pointing the finger of blame to them. You are simply telling them your own feelings, rather then saying it's all their fault. Another good feature is to talk in a calm matter. For example, don't go and yell at the person. Instead state in a calm manner that you're upset with the way things are going on, and go from there.
The negative ways of communicating are many. First, don't go and say 'It's all your fault', because that's what makes people angry. It's both of your faults, just sometimes it's more one person's then the other. Another good point to remember is timing. If the person is stressed or anxious due to some outer source, chances are that this isn't the right time. The last is don't go and yell at them. Yelling is bad. Yelling won't get you anywhere. The fourth and final tip to have when communicating is to actually listen to them, and what they have to say. They listen to you, just as you listen to them. In the end it all works out.
Lately, I've been thinking about this subject, and the way I communicate with others, and how others communicate with me. I admit that I'm not a perfectionist at expressing my emotions, in fact, I suck. I'm trying to work on trying to say things in a manner that comes out the way I mean them to, not just whatever mumbo jumbo that is in my mind. This causes me to over-think a lot about what I do, but that's fine. I think that communication is something that in time, we get better. However, remember, sometimes, we have to reciprocate them, and listen to what they have to say as well.

Tuesday, January 22, 2013

You can not be my friend if...

I have a lot of friends in my life, some close, some not so close; some old and some new. However, sometimes, I feel like people don't respect each other, which is very upsetting, because people need respect, not matter what kind of relationship they are in.
Honestly, I hate it when a friend doesn't respect your decisions. After all, it's your life. It's up to you how you spend it. However, if you're going to do something dangerous, it's advisable for that action to be talked out of. But, if a friend disagrees with your decision to do something like read a book or do something that you feel like is right for you, then you have a probelm.
I also hate hypocrites. Let's say you have a problem about something, such as a boy or a girl, which is common in adolescent teenagers. Friends listen to each others' probelms and offer decent advice, to the best of their ability. However, it goes both ways. If your friend isn't showing you the same respect as you when it comes to that sort of thing, then maybe it's not good. Just sayin'.
All in all, friendships are something good. However, sometimes, people can not show you respect the way you show them, and sometimes, it's upsetting.

Sunday, January 20, 2013

Relationship? Relationships.

Relationships are something that is important to feel an important connection in relationships. For two years, I've been wondering what the perfect relationship is, and have the desire to get it for myself. Call it selfishness, I call it loneliness. However, I have realized that there is no such thing as a perfect relationship. Relationships are not perfect, they are perfect for you. And to find the perfect one, sometimes, you have to travel with bumps in the road to find the one that has the smoothest sailing. In the bumps in the road, you find out what you don't want. Sometimes, you discover things, things that make you realize what makes you in an adult relationship that's healthy.
A healthy relationship in my opinion consists of many things. They have their own lives, other priorities, and other things to do then constantly be together. And when they do get together, they do things because they want to. It's not an addiction, or an obsession, it's a choice to hang out. The choice being that you actually WANT to. Another thing about a healthy relationship is that they let you complete your dreams, without making you feel guilty, and offering you complete and total support. An example of this is when you or your significant other wants to go to a school that's not near the other. Instead of changing their mind, or your mind even, you should follow your dreams, because if you really love someone, you wouldn't want that for them. You'd want them to go to the place where they would be happy, where they can become the person that they want to be.
I also realized how different I am then two years ago. I've grown more in the fields of academics, spending more time studying, and more time reading. I have the world's best friends, ever. Two years ago, I thought a relationship was about spending a lot of time together, and holding hands in a hallways. Now, I think it's about loving the person, despite their flaws, and helping them blossom to the person that they want to be, with all of your support.

Saturday, January 19, 2013

Good or Not Good?

I hate it when people think that someone is too good for them, relationship wise. Why? Because it puts the other person on a pedastal, therefore giving them the upper hand, the most control. That way, they are the ones who control what you guys do, and you are in this constant cycle to please them. I understand that you hate yourself for whatever reason, however, that doesn't make them too good for you.
I believe that no one is better then another. Everyone on this planet came into this world with the same thing; nothing. Everyone in this planet will leave this world with the same thing; nothing. We are all the same, despite different outer images. We are build the same, made up of flesh and bone, and have a beating heart. We all have the capacity to love, and the gentle nature to be kind to human kind. We are not perfect, because perfection is simliar to being a robot. If someone  expects you to be perfect or to be something that you're not, remember that you're only built to be you. No one else.

Thursday, January 17, 2013


You've got mail.
 Message sent.
Message recieved.
Red light.
Green light. 
These are all examples of messages that we come across in life. Sometimes they are clear, in big bold letters, other times, they are hidden, less obvious to the world around us.Sometimes, these messages are even unclear, like hidden treasures, sometimes meant to be never uncovered, or discovered, their meaning a forever mystery.
I think in life, we live in a world of messages. Not just the text messages that our phones send, or the emails that we send to each other on a daily basis, but the messages that we don't think about sending. For an example, a kid likes a girl, and the girl, thinking he's just being a friendly, will act the same way, without realizing the message that she is currently sending is that she likes him. Another message, one of my favorites, is the relationship when you can send messages without spoken, like one gaze, and bam you know what's going on in the person's head. I tried that before, and failed epically. The last kind of message to be received is the one sent by doing nothing. I believe that by doing nothing, sometimes sends the best kind of message, because a; you're not wasting any of your time with the situation that could possibly hurt you, and b: eventually, that person gets the message. Doing nothing is something.
Of course, we also have hidden messages, the messages that are being conveyed in nontraditional ways and formats, such as through songs, poems and stories. This is the feeling you get when you listen to a song, and automatically think, I know who this is about. Plus, you know you feel good when you do in fact know who it's about.
Message sent.

Friday, January 11, 2013

Models. In roles.

Lately, I've been thinking about positive role models that are out there. And it bothers me because there are not too many out there. After all, the people who we look up to are the people that inspire us to do the most, to make the most changes in the world. So, I've composed a list of the people who I look up to the most. My list ranges from rock stars, to fictional television characters, to politicans. So without further a due, here's the women and men that I look up to, who inspire me to be different, to make a change, and to be able to take chances.
  1. My top inspiration comes from my mother. I look up to my mom because she's one of the stronger people that have a large role in my life. She taught me independence, she taught me how to grow and how to move on. She's been through it a lot, and although she annoys the living crap of me; I can't help but admire and respect her for what she does. 
  2. The woman that I get the most inspiration from is from my television show of all time, Miss Lorelai Gilmore. Lorelai is a single mother who got pregnant when she was in her teenage years, and has been on her own since then. Lorelai is outspoken, and always knows what she wants, and does what she can to get it. I always ask myself in situations 'what would Lorelai do?' and in those cases, I would do it. I plan in fact to name my kid after her, just because she's so awesome. 
  3. I respect Hillary Rodham Clinton for many reasons. She's extremely well educated, and does her own thing. She's a lawyer, and she worked her butt off for it. Plus, when she met Bill, she just went up to him and asked him out because he was staring at her. Like a lot. (I read Bill's autobiography over my winter break..nerd status, holla!) Hillary is just one classy lady, with brains, what's better than that? I think not much else. She's my inspiration to get my PhD, because smart women are in fact sexy, you'll see.
  4. Madonna and Christina Aguilera are my two musical inspirations. I love their music because not only it's different then all of the rest, but it's inspirational. Songs like Vogue, Vanity, Beautiful and Prima Madonna are songs that are great to make one feel good about themselves, but it's sets them apart from the cookie cutter pop music that is out there. They make trends, not follow them.

The women on this list not only help me in times in crisis, but to prepare me in my future, a little part of each of them always inside me to help me become the person I one day want to be.

Thursday, January 10, 2013

I Dream Of You

Watching Nashville = the inner songwriter in me very happy.

I Dream of You:
Just a friend you say is a matter of fact,
But friends don't look at each other like that.
You have in this cat and mouse game;
Ever since I met you, nothing has been the same
You've got me trapped,
I can't get back
To who I should be,
Hey look what you've done to me.

I dream of you, every night
I dream of you, wondering when the time is right
I dream of you, wishing I could,
I dream of you, wondering if I should.
It comes every night like clockwork,
I know it's gonna hurt,
But at the end of the day,
In every way,
I dream of you

I try to live my life,
But it's cutting me like a knife.
I can't move foreward or back,
You've got me off track
I should be happy when I'm sad,
I like you too much to be mad.

I dream of you, every night
I dream of you, wondering when the time is right
I dream of you, wishing I could,
I dream of you, wondering if I should.
It comes every night like clockwork,
I know it's gonna hurt,
But at the end of the day,
In every way,
I dream of you

Dreaming and doing are two different things,
I'm anxious to see what tomorrow brings,
Will you be my side,
Damn you damn my pride,
I want you, nothing but you,
Bet your ass that it's true.

I dream of you, every night
I dream of you, wondering when the time is right
I dream of you, wishing I could,
I dream of you, wondering if I should.
It comes every night like clockwork,
I know it's gonna hurt,
But at the end of the day,
In every way,
I dream of you

Wednesday, January 9, 2013


 Unbreakable flower, come up from broken pieces;
This is the end, no it's the beginning.
It's not the end until I'm okay,
I'm still waiting for that day.
I have a long way to go,
I still  have ends to tie,
I still have my friends to stand by.
But will they lie there forever,
Will I finally come together?
Move on,
Everyone else has.
I'm lotus,
I guess I'm selling myself short,
Lotus flower don't break.
Bend, but too strong to snap.
I'm a lotus flower.

Saturday, January 5, 2013


I've been in this weird melancholy kind of mood lately. I've been thinking about how things used to be, and how things are now. I've been feeling like I've screwed up everything in my past; old friendships, to love affairs. I keep on thinking about what I've could have done to change how my life is now, how I could have done something better. Yes, I'm a matyr, but that's okay.
I realize that there is no way of rewinding life. I wish there was, but modern day science hasn't come up with a cure to fixing screw ups. I wish I could, but I can't. It's the way the world works, and we have to move on and accept it for what it is. We can't do more to the situation then what we've already done. Sometimes, things are also best left not to touch, because then you'll only hurt yourself more. It's sad, but it's true.
Over the past year, I've had to decide what to leave in my past and what to bring to my future. Unfortunatly, sometimes, it means we've lost friends who we thought that we would always have. Other times, we realize how dominant others' presence is in our lives, and without them in it, it sucks.
However, in life we can not get too comfortable. There's a time when we're meant to be happy, and there's times when we're meant too be sad. Don't mess with what's meant to be; that's some serious shit, folks.
I guess the Fray puts it the best: "You can't fall away from your past, it's following you."

Friday, January 4, 2013

Underneath it All.

I've spent most of my winter holidays reading the Bill Clinton autobiography. Why? Because I believe that Bill is one of the better presidents in recent history, and plus it looked good. (And I can now say I've read a thousand paged book, take that!)
Anyways, reading an autobiography got me thinking.Often we judge people based on their actions. More often then not; we don't question the reasoning behind our actions.  We just think that if they do a bad thing that they are a jerk, and if they do a good thing, then they are a good person. Sometimes, they could be forced to do things, internally or externally.
What I like about autobiographies is that they allow you to put your input on certain subjects and issues, good and bad. It helps you tell your story, the way you perceived the situations that you were in, and for the public to at last relate to what you've been through. It shows you; underneath it all.
My insight for the day? Read an autobiography.

Thursday, January 3, 2013

Good vs. Evil?

In life, there are a lot of opposites. For example, chocolate vs. vanilla, is a popular one. White and black, is another. However, the battle that I feel is the most important is the one that's called Good vs. Evil, perhaps even the most popular debate of the opposites of all time. However, we must ask ourselves what makes someone good and what makes someone evil? Is there a gray area to this debate, and if so, what is it?
Good and evil are very easy to identify in movies thanks to pop culture. The person whose identified as evil tends to be unattractive, wearing red or black, and of course inflicting torture to a person that is identified as being good. The good person happens to be attractive, wearing a happy color, perhaps smaller in stature, and of course tends to be victimized by the so called evil person.
But sometimes, we must realize that good people do bad things and vice versa. Is this the moral gray zone that author Primo Levi talks about in his work The Drowned and the Saved? I'm sure Primo Levi would classify this gray zone in extreme examples such as a concentration camp, where sometimes one must compromise their morals and do things that they normally shouldn't, and wouldn't have to in a normal life, just to survive. Does that make them evil? I think you would argue that they wouldn't classify as being evil if you include the grounds that are involved, like their residence in a concentration camp, when all of what makes them human is gone; the stripping of their hair and personal values, and being tattooed. They were branded like animals, who only thought survival as their top priority. Does that make their actions evil? I think not, but you can argue different.
Then we have the example of good gone bad. In recent pop culture/literature, we have two examples of such. The first being Anakin Skywalker, also known as Darth Vader. Anakin was known as the Chosen One in the prophecy, and perhaps one of the best of the Jedi, which in Star Wars lingo translates into the good guys who will fight to create balance in the force. They are the ones that fight for peace, against the bad people. Anyways, Anakin was one of the good guys, but began to lust for power, perhaps for fear to save his wife, Padme, whom he fear he would lose in child birth, the woman who he loved more then anything. He met with Darth Sideus, who showed him how he can save her, however, it cost Anakin his morals, killing many young Jedi, and betraying the ones that he in fact loved. He ended up losing his wife in the end, something that I think is kind of ironic, because that's what he fought to prevent. We watch in the prequel trilogy Anakin go from the good guy to the bad, defender of whats good to the evil that takes the good away. The next example is Lord Voldemart, also known as Tom Riddle. I'm a little fuzzy on my knowledge of Harry Potter, but Lord Voldemort was the one whose primary goal was to kill every one in his path. He took the lives of hundreds. I can't remember his primary goal of why he did take those lives, all I remember he too, was at first talented and gifted (kind of like Anakin), and then slowly turned to evil.
I firmly believe that the debate between good and evil is not a black and white issue, because sometimes good people do bad things, and bad people can eventual do some good. I guess it's a balancing act, a ying yang thing. I also believe that without evil good cannot exist, and without good evil can not exist. One can not exist without the other, and I guess that I have no firm opinion to the issue. But that's okay.

Wednesday, January 2, 2013

My Song. Not Yours.

Lately, I've been in a movie mood. I've watched a complete Star Wars marathon, a bunch of lame Hallmark movies credit to my mother and grandmother who are obsessed with the freaking channel, Beverly Hills Cop, and the movie Burlesque.  Yes, I've been bored out of my mind lately.
Anyways, back to my little introduction. Those movies inspired me to write a song, the following song called Love's Wings Become Tainted. I worked really hard on it, and I would gladly enjoy you guys to read it.And if it sucks..please don't tell me. I'd like to think it's a little bit decent.
Love's Wings Become Tainted:
I hate what you've done to me,
You've turned me into everything I said I wouldn't be.
I tried to keep myself from getting hurt,
All I did was throw my heart into dirt.
Now you're gone,
I always thought that you could have been the one.
But haven't you heard?
That's in my perfect world.

When did love get so complicated?
Is that when love's wings become tainted.
You hit me like a boomerrang
Am I the only one who sang?
I love you.
Well I guess a strong feeling ain't true.
Is this what happens when love's wings become taited.
Is this what happens when pride becomes faded?

It turns friends into enimies,
Am I the only one who sees
Damage spread like wild fire.
Spoken from a broken heart that will never tire.
Well I believe in you,
Oh yes, I do.
It may not last forever,
I'll be able to sew this pieces together.

When did love get so complicated?
Is that when love's wings become tainted.
You hit me like a boomerrang
Am I the only one who sang?
I love you.
Well I guess a strong feeling ain't true.
Is this what happens when love's wings become taited.
Is this what happens when pride becomes faded?

Broken hearts, broken promises
Am I the only one who misses?
Broken dreams,
Ripped at the seams
As they become faded
Wings become tainted

When did love get so complicated?
Is that when love's wings become tainted.
You hit me like a boomerrang
Am I the only one who sang?
I love you.
Well I guess a strong feeling ain't true.
Is this what happens when love's wings become taited.
Is this what happens when pride becomes faded?

Tuesday, January 1, 2013

2012 Confessions, Welcome 2013.

I've decided that 2013 is going to be my year. Why? Cause I fucking said so, that's why. I mean seriously. It's going to rock. Yes, I have too much optimism and positivity, but I've spent too much of last year being a pessimist, which isn't exactly a good thing either. So here's to self confidence, and having a big ego! Yay! However, I still have a few thoughts about 2012. One I miss my best friend who I once considered to be a sister, and although we moved on to different parts of our lives, I miss our friendship. I miss being close to another friend, and talking to them everyday. I miss just being close to them in general. I also wanted to say 2012 didn't totally suck, and that I'm truly grateful for my posse for having my back for all of the ups and downs, left and rights. You all know who you are. No need for me to write that list.
Let's make 2013 sparkle people.