Wednesday, February 27, 2013

Is It Really Freedom?

For those of you who don't know me personally, one of my best friends ever is gay. Honestly, he is one of the most amazing people that I've ever met. He's the best people that I've ever met, and I've met a lot of people. 
Yesterday while watching the news, I saw a story about how a officials in a CT (my homestate) school said it was okay for a kid to wear an anti-gay T-Shirt. (Article featured below) Once, I saw that I felt sick to my stomach. I understand that people have the right to wear whatever they desire. After all, we have the right of freedom of speech and opinion, but I think that there should be a line to where that ends. That line should be ended when someone gets offended. You know how people say that it's all fun and games when somebody gets hurt? Yeah, well it should be. 
I'm a very supportive person of the gay community, because gay people are people too. I've worn purple on purple day, and shut up on stay quiet day. During those times, I've noticed others who would try to hurt the people involved in those protests. 
Judging someone based on what gender they love is something that shouldn't happen. Unfornataly, it DOES happen. However, as time moves on, we are getting better with censoring those words. However, there is still enough hate to override the amount of love that is out there. I think the person shouldn't wear this shirt, simply because of the numerous amount of people who would get hurt by the person wearing the shirt.
I now ask you, my readers to do something for me. To stop using the slang 'that's so gay.' To stop making homosexual or bisexual people feel like their not good enough. To make every person who is different feel like their loved. 
Is it freedom of speech when the person who fights for the freedom is hurting another party? My opinion? No. I believe that the Golden Rule should come into play. If you don't have anything nice to say or wear then keep it to yourself. Some people follow this rule, others don't. I think that this is something that is an example of people not following that rule. Wearing a shirt that promotes this sort of behavior is wrong, in my book. If you view homophobic ways, then keep them to yourselves, or express them in a way that doesn't hurt others. 
Thank you.

Tuesday, February 26, 2013

Is it Expected?

Lately, I've been thinking a lot about sex. I mean, it's everywhere. It's a common thing in the media. Plots on television shows, movies, and novels are all based on it. Lately, I've been noticing more and more people my age are having it. At my college's nurse's office there is a huge bowl available of just condoms. I mean, I'm not that old, or not that young. I'm eighteen years old, and I still don't believe that sex is a good idea for me at this stage of my life. Does that make me a freak or something?
I then wondered if this was expected of the modern day relationship. To have sex with your boyfriend or girlfriend and have it not mean something. And if you don't have sexual relations with them, what does that make you? A freak? Forever alone? Isn't the point of a relationship, well a good one, is to grow with each other, and respect what they believe, in addition to their limits?
I decided to take this question to a couple of my friends. Both of them were in relationships however one was male and the other was female. Taking this into consideration, they both said the same thing. They said that they didn't think that relationships expected to have sex. However, I begin to question, what makes one person ready for sex?
I suppose the answer to this question is similar to the answer to a lot of things. When you're ready you'll know. In the end, it's really up to you to have decide whether or not you're ready to take this risk or not. Not your parents, friends, or even your boyfriends. Your own. So, if you don't want to take this risk, you don't have to. And if someone expects you to, for whatever reason, chances are that person shouldn't be worth making that important decesion for.

Friday, February 22, 2013

Heart Matters.

Lately, I've been thinking of the heart, and it's many consequences. The heart does so much. It's our acting gut, it's something that keeps us from doing, and is our desire for doing them. It's our motivation for doing these things, even. Our heart is sometimes given to others with out their consent, or sometimes even our own. The heart is a funny organ, but yet, eventually it is the one that knows us the best.
I began to think of heart in the beginning of this week. I had a person who perhaps I didn't have any romantic interest in at all, but wouldn't leave me alone. I felt bad, but realized that if I gave in I wouldn't be fair to both parties. It wouldn't be fair because both of us would be living a lie. It also wouldn't be fair to us because we would be holding us back to the people who we do want to give our heart to. It sucks to be the one who has to be told this, but in the end, it will all be okay.
I can not be in a relationship without no heart. Where my heart is, that's where I'll be. If I don't feel something, then I can't be with them. I don't care who the hell they are, if my heart is telling me to go for something then I'm sure as hell going to go for it. I can try to hide my feelings about it but that wouldn't help me find happiness. My advice to anyone who is unhappy is to follow your heart, and to avoid opinion of other's who want you to follow their opinion of you and what you should do.
The heart can lead us to do some pretty crazy things. It can cause you to make mistakes, even. It can cause you to change your hairstyle. It can even cause you to lose your virginity. All of these decisions, you guess them have consequences. Some are bigger then others. The point is, if you're not ready for them, then chances are this isn't something that you should be doing.
The heart matters. Listen to it. Cheesy? Yes. True? Yes.

Thursday, February 21, 2013

Dear Father.

Dear Father,
For years, you have plagued my life, a black hole in my childhood existence  You have a rep of not being there for me, a perfect track record that will always remain consistent  No amount of money, cards, or gift can ever change that. You lie, your nose as long as Pinocchio's, spinning a web so tangled that water can't slip through.
Father, you hurt me in every way humanly possible. You've abandoned me as a child. Once I begin to gather enough strength to stand, you come around like a hurricane to spiral me back down again. You spin the same old story round and round, until one day it falls down the drain, dropping into freefall.
It took me years, but I've finally come to accept what you've done to me. I can not control your actions, however I can control my own. You hurt me, by walking out, and be never being a series regular in my lifetime. That was your doing, not my own. You've made your decisions, and hurt your people. You still want to have contact, but do not understand that sometimes it's not entirely best for all of the parties that are involved. I forgive you, for forgiving is letting go of the negative energies that are surrounded, but the presence of them will forever remain.
I will however feel the most sorry for you, because it is you who missed out. You missed out of my high school prom and graduation. You missed out confirmation. You missed out on the everyday things, the things that aren't exactly Kodak moments. You can not get any of that back, no matter how much you want to pay, or want to.
I'm eventually growing to forget all of what's happened. Father, may you have a nice life.

Tuesday, February 19, 2013

Happy Birthday!

Today's blog entry is to honor my grandfather. Today's what would have been his 86th birthday, and needless to say, it's causing some feelings. But, I'm alright. I'm not sad. I'm laughing, which is something that he would have wanted anyways. I wonder if that's what happens with grief. Does it go from a large hole in your body, and slowly shrinks smaller and smaller? 
Anyways, this is not a grieving piece. So yeah. It's a piece saying happy birthday to my grandpa. So, happy 86th birthday Grandpa! Hope you're partying it up somewhere in heaven! Love, your favorite granddaughter (it's okay, you can admit it) Natalie. 

Sunday, February 17, 2013


Ever have something happen to you, and ever since that thing, you're afraid to do anything. Afraid to walk, afraid to talk or think in a way that you once perceived as being harmless? Lately, I've been doing a lot of thinking, perhaps too much thinking then I need to do. Maybe if I had used up all of this time that I spend thinking about this to study I would have a four point o grade point average.
Sometimes, in life we make mistakes. We make them, and then we have to live with the consequences  We have to realize that the choices that we make often have them as well. It can be anything, ranging from good or bad. For example, my choice to say hello to the person sitting next to me in band class turned into a conversation, which turned into a good friendship. Another example is my decision to go to lunch with a bunch of friends one spring day turned into a confrontation which lead to an emotional upheaval. Everything we choose has a consequence. Even the small things, such as choosing what we want to eat for the day has its ups and downs.
One of the consequences is that you're afraid. You're afraid to jump, you're afraid to trust, and you're afraid to just live. You choose to answer a text message and bam, you've gotten yourself into a situation that you're afraid to get out of. And then, you begin to wonder, am I that way with other people? Do people perceive me to be like this as well? Is every text message sent by me followed by a groan on the other side?
But, then I realize that my fears are stupid. My fear of being alone is stupid because I am only 18. Most of all, my fears are from the choices that I've made in the past. Those choices are the reason why I'm afraid. I've made them, made that bed, and now I have to lie in it, and get the fuck over it.
The biggest thing I have to learn is that eventually everything's going to be ok. It may not be today, nor tomorrow, but it will be sooner or later. I have things that are good in my life, and if I can't see them, then I shall force myself to. I'm afraid, but I have a safety net that holds me and pushes me foreward.. That safety net is the friends who are there for me, and the family who annoys me. I'm lucky, although at times I find a blindness to see that.
Being afraid is a natural part of life. Growing past it, is the goal of life.

Saturday, February 16, 2013

It's Amazing.

It's amazing how one song can have so much power. It can put you in a different mood. It can take you to a different time or place. It can stop you dead in your tracks, and make you wanna dance. It can make you cry. It can make you laugh. It can make you want to get on top of a table and begin to dance. It can even motivate us to the point of being able to do something that you never thought that you would be able to do.  It's all the power of one single song.
It's amazing how music can do this. Music is something that will always be there, because it always was here. How we listen to it may change over time, but music is still there. I'm currently listening to music by my favorite band at the moment, Aerosmith. Music has power, one can assume. Its presence is like the wind, one can never see it, one can hear and feel it. Music is the one thread that unites us, because everyone in some way or another, likes music.
Music is this power that is there for us. The songs we listen to, well some of them anyways can cause amazing things. Therefore, one can say one thing:
Music makes the people come together, yeah..
Thanks Madonna!

Friday, February 15, 2013

In Too Deep.

 I wish you'd leave me alone,
I wish you'd lose the number of my phone.
I don't care for you,
I wanna be true.
I don't know what to say,
So I stay
I'm in too deep,
Promised you, but I can't find sleep
I'm living this lie,
I would like you, but that means I'd have to try
I'm too deep,
I can't hear my phone beep,
I'm not into you,
I'm a liar, that I know is true.
I'm too deep,
And now I'm counting sheep.
I love someone else,
A different book on the shelf
Maybe platonic,
But this for you is toxic
What have I done?
No, I'm the evil one.
I'm in too deep,
Promised you, but I can't find sleep
I'm living this lie,
I would like you, but that means I'd have to try
I'm too deep,
I can't hear my phone beep,
I'm not into you,
I'm a liar, that I know is true.
I'm too deep,
And now I'm counting sheep.
In too deep now I'm drowning
In too deep, I'm the one frowning
I'm not gonna execute force cause I'm not going to try
I'm sure you're a nice guy.
I'm in too deep,
Promised you, but I can't find sleep
I'm living this lie,
I would like you, but that means I'd have to try
I'm too deep,
I can't hear my phone beep,
I'm not into you,
I'm a liar, that I know is true.
I'm too deep,
And now I'm counting sheep.
In too deep
This water's steep
Drowning in another's ocean,
Drinking another's potion
I'm in too deep,
Please don't creep.
Cause I'm in, I'm in, I'm in,
Too Deep

Thursday, February 14, 2013

To All Da Creeps Out There.

Honestly, I hate people who think just because their single, and I’m single, that means we should go out. First of all, honey I have standards. I won’t go with anyone whose walking around the street. You have to actually make me be interested in you. Just cause I’m single, and you’re single doesn’t mean it’s time for us to become friends and go out. Friends? Yes, why not? Dating? No. I’m not interested in you because you go too far and text me too much. Yeah. I’m not into that. Unlike you, I have a life, and I'm not interested in being your chick. I'm not fucking property. Please if you’re going to be pursuing me, then you have to realize that I’m not going to be in for you for the sole reason that we’re both without significant others and it’s Valentine’s Day. That's desperate, my friend, and that's one thing that I am not. 
I hope you one day meet a girl that digs ya too, but I'm honestly really sorry I'm not nor will I ever be your baby.
Thank you and good night!

Wednesday, February 13, 2013


Life. It's more then a cereal. It's what the world revolves around. Today, in Human Geography, we began to talk about life expectancy. And that got me thinking.
In America, the average life expectancy is 78. That's 78 years to dream, to make children, to do whatever our heart desires. I realized that it was so short, to do whatever you needed or wanted to do. In those short years, whatever they may be, you have to live a life, get a legacy. And that's when i came to an interesting conclusion.
Life is too short to be filled with people or things who don't matter. That ex friend or boyfriend that you still think about? Perhaps it's not exactly worth your time living a life in the past. Those bitches around you? Yeah, they are not worth the time or effort either. At the end of the day, it's about me, and the places that I will get to. I don't need to clog my vision with things that don't matter. And for the things that I have trouble determining whether or not they matter? I'll just have to remember one thing. This too shall pass.

Thursday, February 7, 2013

Dream the Obscene.

When you're little, everyone tells you that you can do anything. Want to be the next president? Go for it. Want to be a singer? Yeah, you can do that too. However, when you get old, this quickly changes. Eventually, instead of being told that you can do things, you are being told, 'well, that's currently unlikely..' Well, what happened to the whole you can do it type of optimism? Where does it go? Out the window?
Well, after giving it some thought, I've come to this conclusion. In childhood, we are always encouraged to dream big things, to play games that get us to imagine things, and read lots of books. If we want to be a singer, then we are in singing lessons. If we want to be an athlete, we play a sport. If we want to be a dancer, then we are in dancing lessons. Basically, if you want to do something, then usually it happens. What happens eventually is that as we age into adolescence and early adulthood, we begin to face the reality of it all: the chances of being a singer, or whatever for that matter is pretty slim, and that we should think of a more practical approach to support yourself and your family. So then, the microphone gets shut off, and the ballet slippers go away, and we begin to think of a more logical career.
However I think that no matter what our dreams are we should follow them to some degree. My dream is to be a novelist slash writer. And right now, I'm following it. My goal is to be a famous writer, and have a much wider audience then of course the people who I spam daily and whoever comes across it. But I have more plans than that. I'm writing a novel as we speak. (Well actually finishing up my NanoWriMo project, but still.) I plan to be a double major in either psychology or journalism, so I can have a better chance at supporting myself. You can say I gave up a bit on my dream, but I say that I'm revising it. I always planned to write, because I just enjoy it.
My closing question to you, my dear readers, is what is your dream? Chew on it.

Wednesday, February 6, 2013


In high school, everyone always had that special place to hang out, whether in real life or in television shows. In Happy Days, it's at Arnold's. In Gilmore Girls, it's Luke's Diner. For my high school, it was Panera, a small cafe that was at the end of the strip mall. The outside was bleak, gray, with large windows that if you looked carefully, you can see everyone inside the place. The inside was painted a warm and welcome peanut shell. Pictures of bread adorned the place. As you walked in, the smell of bread was strong, making my mouth water. The rich aroma of coffee often followed, greeting you with a firm handshake. As you walked in closer, you can see a case of baked goods, scones that were sprinkled with crystal sugar that shined like diamonds, perfectly round cookies with large chocolate chips or M and Ms scattered throughout them like craters on the moon. When going to the counter, one had the power to order anything they wanted, from a salad, to soup, and sandwiches that can be served in breakfast, lunch and dinner time. Of course, you can order a drink of coffee, the one thing that you were always certain about, no matter how uncertain your life is.
The joint always buzzed with students around two. Athletes coming  to get coffee and a snack. The band geeks getting a coffee before marching band. Others who just wanted to hang out with friends often occupied the tables as well, relaxing after what was a long and stressful day of higher education.
During my high school years, this was the place were my friends and I would always get together. I wasn't sure why, probably because it was only a few yards away from school and convient.
You see that table over there? The big one in the middle? Yes, that's where my group took it over one day after midterms. How about the little tables in the back? Yes, that's where I would meet up with good friends, often to catch up. It was a place of gathering, no matter what specefic party was involved.
As I go through my college life, I long to find a hang out as good as Panera, a place that was filled to the brim with memories. Panera, in a sense with the center stage of my high school life. Now, I long for a stage for my college memories to play out in.

Tuesday, February 5, 2013


Ever hear of defense mechanisms? It's a theory made up by Freud that basically talks about our reactions to stress and such. Some have repression, some act irritable, yeah there are different kinds of defense mechanisms.
My kind of defense mechanism is my mouth. I have what some call a big mouth. There is no fancy terms of putting it.) I use my mouth to defend myself. Often, it ends up in me making a complete idiot out of myself, and people thinking that I'm nuts, but whatever.
Basically, whenever I feel sad nervous, I begin to talk, or say something stupid, or sometimes both. It's something that I do subconsciously. Another example of this coming into play is when someone hurts me, I either shut them out, or call them really bad things. Or sometimes, a combination of the two. I know it's not right. However, it's easier then saying, 'hey you hurt me, let's talk about it.' I don't know why, I just do things like that. That way, I am the one doing the hurting, versus me getting hurt. It's silly, yes, but it's the way that I am.
Over time, I'm beginning to work on talking out my feelings versus shutting people out that care about me, and saying nasty things about them. I will admit it's going to take a lot of time, and I'm still slipping. But often, the road with the most bumps is the road that is needed to travel on. Chew on it.

Sunday, February 3, 2013

I Love You? I Love Me?

It's that time of year again. Valentine's season. When everyone is out buying their significant other something to make them smile, and the single complain about how they don't have a significant other to either buy them candy or shiny things. Or both, in some cases. Anyways, this day, which apparently some say was brought on by the greeting card company to bring in the cash.
However, I tend to disagree. I feel like this day is a good day, because it's a chance to show your love for one other, whether single, taken or just talking to a person just because they are there. (Hi to the people who I sit next to in all of my classes, how are you doing on this fine Sunday?) We have lots of relationships to deal with. But the most important one, is the one with yourself.
The relationship with yourself is the one that's the most important simply because it's the one that's the longest. You've known yourself since the day that you were born, and chances are, you're going to know yourself until you die. Before entering a relationship with someone else, you have to be able to love you, for your OWN flaws and imperfections that make you, well you. I bet there are things that you want to change about yourself. I, for example, hate my stomach. I don't know why, I just do. I suck at math, and can't drive a car to save my life. (Which is bad, because I need my license) But I realize that's me. I'm good at somethings such as writing, (I'm an English major, after all), reading, and analyzing people. It's a strange combination, but I ain't complaining. In relationships, I notice that a lot of people are insecure about it. However, that's usually because they are not secure with themselves, therefore they often act really, uhm, wierd. Insecurity in a relationship sometimes is bought on by the insecurity with oneself. Therefore, being secure in what one does or says is always helpful in life.
In the end, the relationship with oneself matters. However there are some people who can change that. Those people are the people that we actually begin to love. Those are the exceptions to the rules. It's okay to make a sacarfice, if the person makes you happy enough or they mean a lot to you. However, if this was the right relationship, then they wouldn't ask you to.
Basically, the moral of this blog entry is to do what makes yourself happy, and to not give a damn about anything else. Thank you and goodnight.