An Open Letter to My First Love

To My First Love,

 I remember the first time I saw you--it was in modern world back in ninth grade. I remember your thin wired glasses, your flaming red hair and that you always wore black. You knew everything, always carried around a book in one hand and had a briefcase in the other. We “dated”, using the term loosely, for a little over three months. One day, you broke up with me, leaving me starving for answers in a Facebook message.

 For the next three months, I remember my sole goal was to get you back. I did whatever I could to get you back, for I thought I was Bella Swan and you had to be my Edward. Without you, I was nothing. Looking back on it now, I remember the relationship as me clinging onto you for dear life. You were the only thing I lived for. You were the person who I wanted, and without you I would be nothing. Back when I was fifteen, I thought of nothing more than wanting to be loved by you and only you. It served a greater importance to me than perhaps anything, and that was unhealthy for both you and me.

I look back at it now, and am astounded and embarrassed by my immature behavior. How could I have thought someone was the answer to my problems? How could I have thought that someone was going to save me? I needed to save myself, and learn how to do that. I needed to get self confidence, which needed to come from me not from you telling me that you loved me. 
I thought I loved you. I thought I would marry you, and was prepared to change myself to become what you wanted me to be. Our "relationship" was me, slowly losing myself to you, and you just being unsure what to do. I expected too much from you, and I'm sorry for my expectations driving you mad. You were an obsession, the center of my world, and something that would quickly break due to the pressure.

At 21, I now know that's not the answer to a relationship. Love is not drowning myself to be what someone else wants me to be. Love is not clinging to someone to dear life for fear that they are going away. Love isn't begging for someone to come back after breaking up with them. My relationship with you wasn't healthy, and it was solely my fault. I apologize to you for that, because I know it caused you pain. 

I always wonder what would happen if I ever saw you on the street. I honestly hope that you're doing well in whatever it is that you're doing. From time to time, I think of you. But, for the most part, I don't think of you anymore, despite the effects of the relationship still come up from time to time.

But our relationship was my first dose of love. It was my first taste of how incredible it could be to have someone who loves you and wants to be with you. I thank you for that, even though things didn't work out and now we don't speak. If you happen to be reading this, which isn't very likely, I hope you know how sorry I am for the way that I was. It also damaged me, and made me unsure what to expect from someone. Could I fall in love with someone else? (Of course I can, and hopefully will one day.) I hope you fall in love with someone too, someone that had everything together, someone that wouldn't call your brother because she felt upset about you leaving, someone who was Mormon. 

You can never change the past, and I can never undo all that I've done. I grew from the experience of us, and I hope you have done the same. You will always be my first love, something that I can never undo no matter how much time passes. I look up to you in respect, because not only do you deserve it, but you are a person who I once loved. I hope you get everything out of life that you wanted, and I hope you reach the successes that you wanted. I, on the other hand, moved from writing you silly poems to writing articles in the town newspaper. I hope you see my name in the print. 
I guess there's nothing left to say now, other than goodbye. 
With Love, 
Natalie