Matters of Mindfulness: Why Is Self Care Considered Selfish?

As a person whose diagnosed with severe anxiety, one of the things that my therapist tells me to do is self-care, which is do something that makes you happy or take care of yourself. For me, this is reading, going for a run, getting a cup of Starbucks' lovely Tazo Iced Tea, eating a particularly good cupcake or just watching Netflix. (Basically, anything that isn't a responsibility or school assignment, which seems to have taken over my life as of late.)

However, to some, taking a few minutes to just relax and take care of yourself isn't essential. It's selfish. I don't know how, because it's important to take care of a mental illness just as you would take care of a physical one. It keeps you healthy, and it keeps you sane.
Let me ask you something. When you're sick, what are you told to do? Get some sleep, get some rest and take care of yourself. The same goes for mental illness. We need to get some rest, and take care of ourselves. It's kind of like being told to eat your fruits and veggies as a kid. Only, it's about preserving your mental health, not your physical one. Maybe the mental health aspect is even more important than the physical one. But, why is it considered to be selfish to take some time for yourself? That I still don't get.
Maybe it was because we are programmed to do things--whether it's work-related, doing something else that's productive or doing school work. By taking five minutes to just chill, we can do those things so much better than if we didn't take those crucial five minutes away from the world and our to-do list.
So, to answer the question I posed in the title, no self-care isn't selfish. It's essential, just as trying to cross something off of a 'to-do' list. In a world that's number and accomplishment based, we often forget that we're still people. We are people who have imperfections and require breaks. That's way more important than crossing things off of a 'to-do' list. And, that's something that we all, whether we are stressed out college students, going through a rough time in our lives or even those who aren't suffering from a mental illness need to remember.

Take a Walk

If you follow me on Instagram, you've probably noticed that I've been embarking on quite a few walks last week at East Rock park, which is located in Hamden, Conn. East Rock is about ten minutes away from my house, and I love the view of a beautiful river.
Usually, I go to East Rock with a friend of mine to walk and take dope Instagram pictures. However, the warm weather prompted me to wander new places by myself. So, I got into Rosie and drove, armed with sunshine and classic rock. The first time, I went after wandering around a nearby bookstore, and I decided to go there on an impulse. The second time, I wandered there on purpose, with a cup of Panera lemonade.

During my second walk.

And, both times, I enjoyed myself.
Taking a walk just opened my mind. The fresh air seemed to clear my anxiety, and the stillness was a great pause away from the normal hustle and bustle of life. Everything lately for me seemed to be moving a 100 miles per hour. Here, however, things seemed to slow down. I could breathe. It was nice.
As the weather gets warmer, I plan to wander around to other local parks. Sure, they are great destinations to wander with a friend. However, there's something liberating about taking a walk by yourself. It allows you to think, without the commentaries of someone else. You can think about, well anything. And no one will judge you by stopping to take several Instagrams. (Well, the bystanders probably.)
By taking a walk, I got a well-deserved break from school and work. It was amazing because I could just relax. And when I returned back to my to-do list, I felt more energy to take the tasks and complete them better than I tried. Who knew a 20 minute walk could be the cure for stress and anxiety?
At the end of the day, walking may not be the solution to why you got into a fight with your significant other. Nor, will it make your to-do list shorter. However, it does accomplish one thing. It helps you take a step back and relax. It freezes the world, even for just one moment. And, in a world filled with obligation, responsibility and expectations it can help you stay sane. It's the perfect medicine for anxiety and stress, at least for me.

This Is Me

I've gone through a lot of ups and downs in the past year. I worried about losing pretty much everything and then lost it. I'm dealing with anxiety and the effects of it on a daily basis. Can you say panic attack? Can you say having weekly sessions with a therapist? I'm a work in progress, but lately I've made some leaps despite the hurdles in the way. I've gotten out of a job that made me miserable. I'm trying to enhance a balance between the people that are making me anxious. I'm taking the damn wheel and it's pretty awesome.
I've entered a new phase in my life. I've entered a phase of my life where I want to hang out with people who make me happy 85 percent of the time, and don't talk about people as if they were on "Fashion Police." I'm over the constant stress of school, because I know everything will work out in the end. I'm taking time for self care, whether it's spending a night with a book and tea, or by treating myself to a damn cupcake.
In this phase of my life, I'm ready to be happy. I'm what Elton John sings about in one of my favorite songs ever, "Simple Life." I'm ready to sail away to innocence, to a world where I can write my own stories. Sure, I'm going to have my good friend anxiety following me around, but that's okay. I've learned how to make it go away or make it's blows less harsher.
And I won't break, I won't bend, but someday soon we'll sail away to innocence and the bitter end. Elton sings that, and that's my mantra I'm going to apply for when I'm stressed or sad or both. Because, it's not the end. 

An Open Letter To My Anxiety And Depression

Dear Anxiety and Depression,

            You have caused me to feel like I’m just a hopeless mess, someone who wasn’t good at anything or worth anything. If my ‘to-do’ list was haunting me, you were there to remind me that I wasn’t enough to do anything. You would eclipse me into a dark black hole, a reminder that I would never ever be rid of you, as my panic attacks came through like a thunder storm on a summer’s evening.

You’ve taken over my life. It was like one day I was fine, and the next I had to deal with a storm of emotions. And when the storm finally left, I was left to pick up the pieces all alone.

But, I’ve had enough of you. I’ve had enough of the tears, enough of the moments I can’t breath or think straight and enough of feeling like I couldn’t get up from this.

I’m coming to fight you. And I’m not going to stop until you’re dead on the floor gasping for air.  I’m going to learn how to beat the panic attacks, through therapy and through changing my behaviors and environments to create a better outcome. Sure, I can’t control everything. But, I can control you. And that I will. I’m done with feeling sad. I’m done feeling like my world is spiraling like a car losing control in a snowstorm. I’m taking the damn wheel, and I’m in control now. So, move over.

I may never fully beat you. Maybe, you’ll be that ghost in my closet that comes out on rainy days. I value myself, and my happiness more than the tears of loneness and the empty feeling in my chest when I’m all-alone. All of these things are thanks to you.

Thank you for coming into my life, for you caused me to become strong, to learn more about myself and to aspire to do what’s best for me. You may think I’m weak, but I’m strong.
            Basically, what I’m trying to say is you’re not going to be there forever, so I suggest you don’t get too comfortable.

Sincerely,

Natalie

Stressed to Impress?

When looking back at this semester, only one word comes to mind-stress. Stress from work, stress from classes, and stresses to keep my sanity. As it finally draws to a close, I can't help but be grateful for the chance to have a break and just breath. I also can't help but feel victorious in the fact that I survived what I will probably deem as the most stressful time of my life. 

However, it's no secret that college students these days are stressful, which results in anxiety and other mental health problems. Most of my friends, including myself, work multiple jobs. They also go to school full-time, and some even have an internship. This results in many burning out, anxiety levels sky rocketing through the roof, as well as anxiety's effects. According to an article on the New York Times Blog Anxious Students Strain College Mental Health Centers, anxiety now surpasses depression as being the most common mental disorder diagnosis. The article then goes on to say that one in six college students are diagnosed with anxiety in the last year. And with college students like myself loading more and more on their plate, it's easy to see where the ultimate source of stress is. 

In college, the bar is raised and expectations are high. We have to go to class to get a degree, and do the work to getting  passing grade. But in some majors, you need experience. For many this is an internship. Then, we need money to pay bills such as car insurance, and just to have money in general, so then add a part time job. And some college students with outstanding bills often result in working an extra job. Sound like a lot? I haven't factored in sleep, food time, and of course time to just to relax. Bottom line-college is stressful. The question is why is it so?

The answer is that we are out to impress, since we are about to enter a job market that's competitive. So, we pile on jobs, internships, pretty much anything to stand out. And this creates a block of pressure, which can cause the back to break if one isn't careful. 

There's only so many hours in a day a person could keep pushing themselves for it to remain healthy. Everyone needs to realize that they can't keep going at a rapid pace, and not have an effect on themselves. While it's important to have experience, get good grades, and have money, it's also important that we take time for ourselves. Watch Netflix, read a magazine, and just do nothing. When we are programmed to be constantly busy, it can be a weird change. However, it's something that I think is crucial, especially when we are piling everything on ourselves. After all, that's the one thing that can help combat stress. 

An Open Note to My Friends Regarding Anxiety and Depression

Dear Friends and family who are reading this,
This is a letter from me to you. Some of you reading this may know me personally, and are really close to me. Some of you may not know me other than this blog, which in some ways is extraordinary in itself. I'm writing to you all, in hopes this is something that helps you understand more about depression, rather than excuse me.
I have been suffering with the effects with anxiety and depression since the beginning of the semester due to over scheduling and pressures of school/work/life. My anxiety is so severe, it's been affecting my physical health, as well as my mental well being. There are somedays I'm so depressed or anxious I don't feel like leaving my bed.  I've been in treatment for those things, and have been seeing a therapist. However, I would like to take the time to talk to friends and family about what's going on with me so they can understand because I feel like they sometimes don't get what it's like to deal with this.
Sometimes, I'm not going to be in the mood to talk to you, or I'm going to not be in constant touch with you. It's not a symbol of whether or not I'm interested in being your friend. It's just my mind is going 1,000 miles an hour and I can't stop thinking about what's going on to focus on anything else. I apologize for sometimes losing touch with my friends, and some of the friends I talk to are the ones I'm close enough to discuss my mental struggle with. It's nothing personal if I don't message you everyday, or ask to hang out. It's just I'm overwhelmed, and trying my best to deal with what's going on with me.
The past few months have been nothing less than crazy. I'm trying my best to deal with it, using resources that my campus has and what I can do for inner peace. Through therapy, I've been trying to manage my symptoms, and trying to maintain a positive attitude. It's a day to day struggle, something I hope you all understand. I'm trying to stay afloat, and I'm trying to be the best person I can be. I just ask you to bear with me, and to understand it's not you. It's truly me.
Cliche, but very true.
Sincerely,
Natalie 

Dealing With Anxiety and Depression

From time to time, I fall into this dark place. Everything suddenly begins to crumble me, whether it's an obligation for school, life or work. All of a sudden, I'm crying and depressed about the fact that I am so anxious about the obligations. I then fall into the trap of not feeling "good enough" by cracking under the constant pressure I put myself under. Whether it may be getting the best grades to ensure I get another semester on Dean's List, adding more things on my resume or making sure I'm doing the best that I can at work, I sometimes begin to feel the weight of it crumble me. I then think "so many people before me have done this, why am I struggling?"
I've dealt with this constant mix of anxiety and depression for about a year now. I'm anxious because I feel like I'm constantly getting spread too thin. I feel depressed because when I'm anxious it's never a good feeling and then I have the nagging voice in my head that says "you'll never be good enough for anything." It's a voice that's cruel and a voice that constantly reminds me I need to be the best of the best.
For those of you who don't know, I'm graduating later than I had planned. The decision was a result of putting my mental health ahead of the need to squish so much in so little time. I had three options: take six classes each semester, take five classes and two summer classes or take three semesters of four classes. I chose the latter because then I can say that I can try my best without having to get completely overwhelmed with my schedule.
I never have regretted that decision, because I know it was the right one for me. Despite the fact it means not graduating with my closest friends from college.  However with school sadly around the corner, I can't help but begin to get anxious. My friends, my really good ones, will be going back to their perspective places around the world and will no longer be a ten minute car ride away. Of course, I have friends that go to my college but losing the friends I am closer to is none the less devasting. I can now longer get frozen yogurt with Gabriel or hang out with Griffin on lazy summer days. In it's place I'll be working the weekends at my school's library (which I'm used to, but I've never worked both weekend days), taking four classes (one of which I've heard was particularly challenging), working at my hometown newspaper as a freelancer and as a Style Guru for College Fashionista. And of course, there's this blog. Additionally, I might be doing an internship for credit, which I'm unsure I'm going to be able to. It's not even school yet, but I'm not sure how I feel about this. Overwhelmed? Anxious? I honestly don't know. I just know I'm not ready to face the fact that once school starts, my break will end and I have to constantly put school before everything else. I will have to face the future, and I will be stressed with deadlines and obligations of things I must do.
It's no secret that school has made me anxious. The thoughts that stream my mind are: Was that paper the best I could have made it? What if I fail that test? I need to get on Dean's List, I need to do better than that and put more effort, and I should be able to handle the stresses of school and work. However, I don't want my life to become a constant string of pushing myself too hard or too thin. It leads to me feeling so anxious about what needs to be done, and then leads to me doing badly. And then I'm depressed that I'm doing badly, and that I'm so overwhelmed with all of this. It's a vicious cycle of trying to be the best, and then failing. The failure leads to depression about it. I don't know if I actually have anxiety or clinical depression, I do know that I feel those emotions quite a bit.
The thing is I need to take care of Natalie. I'm 21 years old, and I still don't know how to do that or make it a priority. And that's something I need to learn. I need to learn that taking a break to write down what I'm feeling is okay because it will make me feel better. I need to do things that requires me to take a step back from my daily responsibilities, whether it's a quick trip to Starbucks, a walk around the block or writing in my journal. As much as it's important to have a good GPA and jobs on my resume, it's also important to not be depressed or anxious all of the time. Sometimes, everyone needs a break to reflect and to take care of themselves. It's a practice that needs to be more important than being the best in show.
I'm currently trying to pull myself on one of my signature Natalie bad moods, or the "mean-reds" as Holly Golightly calls them. Although I'm no longer sobbing on the phone to my friends, I'm still emotional and I'm still depressed. I'm trying to take care of myself, by taking the advice of a dear friend and stepping back. I read a magazine, went to one of my favorite stores and treated myself to a bracelet that helps promote calm. (whether or not it actually does, we'll have to wait and see.) Although it may appear selfish to do so, I deem it as necessary. My mental health needs to be as important to nurse as my physical. I need to give myself a break, be kinder to myself and put my happiness above everything else. (IE friends who constantly bring me down, and all of the things that are important in life) If I am too stressed out, the blog doesn't have to be
At the end of the day, I believe that's what matters more than anything else. My goals for my senior year are to stop worrying about everything under the sun, make taking care of Natalie the first priority and doing the best I can. In my opinion, despite all of my accomplishments, I think that's the best thing I can ever do. 

"Don't You Worry Your Pretty Little Mind; People Throw Rocks at Things That Shine"

Have you ever had something happen to you that completely changes you? You can't help it but it does. It changes the way that you think, and what you expect out of other people. We begin to overgeneralize how every single person or thing is going to be based on something that happened long ago. Something that happened to you and now that you think it's going to happen again.
It's safe to say that all of my reactions are a consequence of something that happened to me. We've come to expect things based on a cycle of things that have happened to us previously? But, to overcome them, we often wonder what the hell did we do to deserve them? We have to wonder why something happened to us. Sometimes, it's enough to keep us awake at night, and our stomachs turning and tying themselves in knots. Worry can consume us, and turn us into crazy people.
The million dollar question is why do we worry?
Well, there's no concrete clear answer to that. However, I can say honestly that we worry because we expect some sort of abstract consequence or experience some sort of pain. We worry because we think that somethings going to happen and there's no probability that it actually will. The source is unknown, but the answer is clear. There is no way to prevent it. It's a part of life. The only answer to all of this is to not worry at all.
If only it were that simple. Of course you can't tell someone not to worry. That makes them worry more!
What I've found out to be is that the more you worry, the only thing that gets hurt is yourself. I believe that God has created a story for me, written in stone, and his path to be clear. If it's meant to be, then it would be. Therefore, there's no sense worrying about it.
Okay, so I'm offically Yoda.