An Open Letter To My Anxiety And Depression

Dear Anxiety and Depression,

            You have caused me to feel like I’m just a hopeless mess, someone who wasn’t good at anything or worth anything. If my ‘to-do’ list was haunting me, you were there to remind me that I wasn’t enough to do anything. You would eclipse me into a dark black hole, a reminder that I would never ever be rid of you, as my panic attacks came through like a thunder storm on a summer’s evening.

You’ve taken over my life. It was like one day I was fine, and the next I had to deal with a storm of emotions. And when the storm finally left, I was left to pick up the pieces all alone.

But, I’ve had enough of you. I’ve had enough of the tears, enough of the moments I can’t breath or think straight and enough of feeling like I couldn’t get up from this.

I’m coming to fight you. And I’m not going to stop until you’re dead on the floor gasping for air.  I’m going to learn how to beat the panic attacks, through therapy and through changing my behaviors and environments to create a better outcome. Sure, I can’t control everything. But, I can control you. And that I will. I’m done with feeling sad. I’m done feeling like my world is spiraling like a car losing control in a snowstorm. I’m taking the damn wheel, and I’m in control now. So, move over.

I may never fully beat you. Maybe, you’ll be that ghost in my closet that comes out on rainy days. I value myself, and my happiness more than the tears of loneness and the empty feeling in my chest when I’m all-alone. All of these things are thanks to you.

Thank you for coming into my life, for you caused me to become strong, to learn more about myself and to aspire to do what’s best for me. You may think I’m weak, but I’m strong.
            Basically, what I’m trying to say is you’re not going to be there forever, so I suggest you don’t get too comfortable.

Sincerely,

Natalie