All Your Fears..

Sometimes, I wonder what the hell is wrong with me. The hardest thing in the world for me to is to let someone else be there for me. I may have an oversized ego, but deep down I am the most insecure person that you can ever meet. Why is it so difficult for me to just say yes and just let myself finally be...well able to trust someone. 

I don't understand why I am feeling the way that I am feeling. Where is the trigger to this strange notion? I don't know. I just know that I feel something. Maybe it's fear, because I'm scared. Maybe it's anger at someone whose hurt me in the past. Or maybe, it's me wanting to remain the way that I am. 

In the past, I've always run away or denied my feelings. When I finally admitted them, it was too late. In Freud's psychology, it can be said that I may have some unresolved conflicts that truly should get resolved. But, a lot of people don't like Freud so I guess that could be wrong. 

I've come a long way since I last met someone whose made me happy enough to actually say that "I like you." I suffered an eating disorder, I dealt with grief, and actually started to get my life together. But, I'm worried that on some level that can destroy it. I'm worried that if I let my walls down, they might get crumbled. I'm worried that if I say I love you, then I wouldn't hear those same words back. I can deal with this anxiety with humor, and my personal favorite, running from them. But, what if there's no more places to run?

When I begin to trust someone, I begin to expose myself to them. I'm a very what you see and what you get kind of person. Then, comes the haunting fear of worry. What if they don't like that version of me? What if they don't like me, and they just want me to go away? Maybe it's from my past, or maybe it's just something that I really need to get over. 

At the end of the day, I just want someone to love me. Someone to make sure that I'm okay when I cry. Someone that knows me, trusts me, and I can trust them. Someone to accept that sometimes I am a certain way because of what happened. I'm a complicated person, but I wish I wasn't. I want my guard to be down. I want to be able to go up to someone and say 'dude, I trust you.' Lately, it seems like all of my fears are coming to me wrapped up in a little bow. I really don't want to run from them, but I'm worried perhaps more than anything that they can come true.