Monday, January 13, 2014

Why I'm Not Looking Forward To This Semester

It seems like every one is telling me that I am wrong for not being excited to go back to classes. In a way, I feel like back in kindergarten when I didn't want to do something and my parents begged me to do it. But, as much as you guys are looking foreward to entering the classrooms again I am dreading it like the plague. 
Okay, so I probably sound like a pessimist. Or lazy even. But hear me out before you turn your judgement on.
Last semester was the worst semester of my life academically. I was a double major, and literally put so much pressure on myself that I was cracking. I had to have straight As. I had to make Dean's list, and graduate with honors. I studied to the point where nothing made sense to me. I worked harder than I ever did before, and when I didn't work hard enough I would blame myself. Anxiety was at an all time high for me. I knew something had to change, because being a double major just wasn't working for me. Once I changed my major to something a bit less stressful, it felt like I was stuck in classes that I could literally never use again in my life. My GPA, sanity, and of course I suffered. 
Now, going back to classes reminds me of that. Of feeling like I failed because I am no longer doing what I said I was doing. Of putting so much pressure on me that I was cracking underneath its thick layer. Of not having a life, and or the time for  one. After last semester, I really don't want to go back. I know I have to raise my GPA to help it recover from last semester. I know that I have to put in a lot of time and effort in it. I know that I am a semester behind in my major, but ironically I am still able to graduate on time. 
It seems like no one understands that I am not looking forward to being anal about grades, or even why I don't want to go back at all. My future seems to be so cloudy that I need Windex to see what's next. I feel like there's so much that I have yet to figure out, such as what I want to do with my life, do I want to have a family of my own, do I want to get my master's, and most important where am I going when I graduate. I figured out that I don't want to be a mental health professional, or a teacher. I figured out that I want to be a writer for a newspaper and a magazine. But, since I am a blogger and blog pretty much everyday I got that covered. The little that I did figure out happened to not outweigh that giant portion that's still unclear.
So, yes I am going to make this upcoming semester my bitch. Duh. However, I am not ready to worry about pretty much everything. I am hoping though, that there's going to be less pressure because I am just an English major. I am hoping that there's going to be better chance for success because I am actually in classes that fit me. I don't know how this story is going to end. I wish that the answers were at the back of the book. But, maybe because they aren't it's why when you do find them it's worth it.


  1. Natalie I feel the exact same way. At least we have English together and when were ready to crack we can talk. Whenever you need to talk I'm here! xoxo, Emma.

    1. awww thanks emma, same to you :D we need each other for a support group for that class lol