Why I'm Not Looking Forward To This Semester

It seems like every one is telling me that I am wrong for not being excited to go back to classes. In a way, I feel like back in kindergarten when I didn't want to do something and my parents begged me to do it. But, as much as you guys are looking foreward to entering the classrooms again I am dreading it like the plague. 

Okay, so I probably sound like a pessimist. Or lazy even. But hear me out before you turn your judgement on.

Last semester was the worst semester of my life academically. I was a double major, and literally put so much pressure on myself that I was cracking. I had to have straight As. I had to make Dean's list, and graduate with honors. I studied to the point where nothing made sense to me. I worked harder than I ever did before, and when I didn't work hard enough I would blame myself. Anxiety was at an all time high for me. I knew something had to change, because being a double major just wasn't working for me. Once I changed my major to something a bit less stressful, it felt like I was stuck in classes that I could literally never use again in my life. My GPA, sanity, and of course I suffered. 

Now, going back to classes reminds me of that. Of feeling like I failed because I am no longer doing what I said I was doing. Of putting so much pressure on me that I was cracking underneath its thick layer. Of not having a life, and or the time for  one. After last semester, I really don't want to go back. I know I have to raise my GPA to help it recover from last semester. I know that I have to put in a lot of time and effort in it. I know that I am a semester behind in my major, but ironically I am still able to graduate on time. 

It seems like no one understands that I am not looking forward to being anal about grades, or even why I don't want to go back at all. My future seems to be so cloudy that I need Windex to see what's next. I feel like there's so much that I have yet to figure out, such as what I want to do with my life, do I want to have a family of my own, do I want to get my master's, and most important where am I going when I graduate. I figured out that I don't want to be a mental health professional, or a teacher. I figured out that I want to be a writer for a newspaper and a magazine. But, since I am a blogger and blog pretty much everyday I got that covered. The little that I did figure out happened to not outweigh that giant portion that's still unclear.

So, yes I am going to make this upcoming semester my bitch. Duh. However, I am not ready to worry about pretty much everything. I am hoping though, that there's going to be less pressure because I am just an English major. I am hoping that there's going to be better chance for success because I am actually in classes that fit me. I don't know how this story is going to end. I wish that the answers were at the back of the book. But, maybe because they aren't it's why when you do find them it's worth it.