Sunday, October 27, 2013

Waving the White Flag

For the past year, I wanted more then anything to be a psychologist. I wanted to help people with mental health issues such as schizoprenia, and alztimer's disease. However, I still loved writing and reading, which is why English was my first major.
In the spring, I became a double major in English and Psychology. I knew that at that point, that it was meant to be. I could at last attend to my dreams, and go on to be great.
Fast foreward to October, when I'm walking out of and skipping classes. I was paralyzed by pressure. My levels of stress were higher than the walls of the lecture halls around me. What if I didn't get an A in this class? Would I be good enough to get into graduate school.
Safe to say, the pressure got to me and my sanity. I was bitter, and I knew that something had to be done. I realized that I couldn't do this to myself. I couldn't a; walk out of classrooms in my condition, and b; put myself under so much pressure that I'm cracking. Something had to change.
I knew that I couldn't become a psychologist. I had wanted to be the outlier, to be able to overcome a hurdle. However, with some hurdles that are too big to jump, we can't help but not jump at all. I have vasol vagol syncopy, and it's catching up with me in more ways than one. I had tried to overcome it, but I couldn't do just that. As much as I loved psychology, I knew that I couldn't major in it no matter how hard I tried, and how much I wanted it. Somethings, no matter how hard that you try to overcome, it's physically impossible for you to do just that.
But, I did know what I want. I want, more than anything to be a writer. I love writing dearly. I love that no matter what, I can write out my feelings and feel good about whatever is bothering me. I knew that in my heart, I wanted to write in a newspaper, magazine, and even my own books somewhere down the line. In a way, writing is something that I know would make me happy. Even though it's not going to change lives, like I wanted to do, perhaps I can change the world with my written words.
A few days ago, I went into my adviser's office and filled out the paperwork in addition to picking out what I'm going to take for the next semester. Now that I'm no longer a psychology major, after December, I will never ever have to take a psychology class again. I'm relieved, and I know that I made the right decision. I may face judgement, and I may face people who think that I should have stuck with it a little longer, but in reality I have to do whats best for me and my future. My GPA's going down this semester, and I accept that fully. However, along as I pass my classes, I don't care.
I waved the white flag, and let go of the balloon. I'm not giving up, and I still promise to work hard. However, I'm not going to be a social worker, or anything in the mental health field, and that's okay. Sometimes, we find our paths in weird ways, and no matter how hard we try to resist, it's staring right in front of us down in the face. I did the right thing, I know it.

2 comments:

  1. I know how hard it can be to have to give up one dream but if you are so stressed that you aren't enjoying the journey its not worth it! You'll be amazing at whatever you do! And don't worry you're not alone! <3

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    1. Thanks Emma! That honestly made my day! :D

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