Time.

Tomarrow is my 18th birthday. The birthday that fully makes me a legal adult. I can now vote, get a piercing with out a parent's consent, buy lottery tickets, smoke cigarettes, and face all criminal charges as an adult. Like graduation, I felt like this day would never come, yet now that it has, I can't help but want it all back. I miss the days of childhood, when I would play with dolls, and read oodles of chapter books. I used to read at least fifty books a summer. I miss the days of middle school (okay maybe not so much) trying to find my place in a world that accerlated quickly. But most of all, I'll miss high school. I'll miss band classes with my crazy teachers, I'll miss having lunch in the libary with my friends, I'll miss walking around with people, and of course, I'll miss my badminton team.
This stage of my life is so unpredictable. I wonder if I'll still be friends with people who I now am so close to. There are people who I fear so much that I'll lose touch with, who I really don't want to. I feel the open arms of my college campus welcome me, but I still feel tied down with my former life, and feelings.
They say that the high school years are your best years. When I heard that, as a freshman, I just laughed in the person's face. Here I was in a school with little organized guidance department, and with a desperate desire for friends and a boyfriend, and it was supposed to be great? I wanted to know what the hell was wrong with them, because clearly they were wrong.
Now looking back, they were right. Sure, high school had it's up and downs, but overall it was an awesome time for me. I met SO many awesome and diverse people, got to experience being in a relationship for the first time (Yes, I did get my heart broken, but I lived and learned), learned what is good, and not good for my body and most of all was able to find out who I wasn't. I have the next four years to discover who I am now, but yet I still want a little more time to be a minor.
But before I turn 18....here's some lessons I want to share with my friends who are still in high school (and love you all A LOT).

1. You only live once. Everyday could be your last, you just never know what the hell is going to be accross the corner, or down the street. 
2. Somethings are worth fighting for. Love, or a cause, those things are worth the fight.
3. Never confine what society or anyone wants you to be. Be who you want to be. The people who put you down are either jealous, or just complete jerks. 
4. Listen to your heart. Sometimes, it might not make sense, or even come out in a way that it does, but your heart knows (sometimes, better than you do) what you want. Put it's volume up, and give it a listen. 
5. Everyone has probelms. Everyone has their own sad stories to tell. You're not alone in the world. 

Ghost.

Your ghost, still haunts me in the door frame of my mind,
Your flaming hair, left behind.
I move on,
But I still hear you,
Calling me incompetent,
Leaving me those messages.
Three years ago, we made that promise,
Three years ago, it was broken. 
I never got closure,
I just got tears,
I just got pain.
I stand now, a woman whose three days shy of eighteen,
And run from the fear of never feeling so I won't get hurt.
I don't love you.
I don't hate you.
I just knew you.
I wish you luck,
I wish you love.
But that doesn't change the bitter memory of your existance.
It doesn't undo the damage.
It doesn't erase the fact that you were once here.
You're just a ghost from my fast,
Destroying  my future.
But my fears of you,
Won't make me look back.
I have to get past your ghost.
Maybe that would make it finally disappear.

Chocolate.

Sometimes, we get so caught up in the big things and the fast paced lifestyle of life that we forget the simple things that make us happy. Sometimes, the simple things are the things that create overall happiness. Things like chocolate, things like frosting, things like cookies, sitting in the sun with a novel, and things like sunshine. Yes, I'm aware that almost all of those things are food, but whatever. It's the simple things, like chocolate that can equal happiness.
I buy myself a chocolate bar once a week, and eat a little bit each day. Or rather, I eat a lot in the span of a few days, but you all get the picture. Whenever I eat that chocolate, I experience some kind of bliss, that for a few moments, I feel happy. Bubbly, even.
To me, chocolate is happiness. It's the littiest thing, yes. But I'm always happy and giddy when I eat it. Happiness is also cupcakes with LOTS of frosting, cookies, nutella, a marathon of Gilmore Girls, reading on a beach, Snoopy, and spending time with those I love. They might not be the richest stuff, but it's happiness for me, and being happy is sometimes an important thing in life.
Yes.
Happiness is chocolate.

I Am A Woman.

Hi,
I'm a woman.
I've in love, and I've been in hurt.
I've been hated by some,
I've been loved by many.
I've lost my way.
I'm a woman,
I've grown from collecting dolls,
To crying over love.
I've seen many friends come and go,
Yet I still stand tall.
I'm a woman.
I don't need anyone,
Yet I want someone to love.
I want to have someone to tell me I mean the world to him,
I want to be kissed goodnight.
I'm a woman.
Shoes are my best friend,
I can never have enough jewelry.
I line my lips with lipstick,
and cover my flaws with foundation.
I'm a woman.
I may not be perfect,
But I am me.

All Love is Blind.

There's this Alicia Keys song that goes something like "It's too bad because all love is blind". In a way, that's the truest statement on the planet. I've been watching it, in both people, and in reality TV shows. I've been watching friends, and people who are paid to complain about their lives on a camera go through it.
Why is it like that though? Why do we see that one person of interest as being perfect, having no flaws, almost as if they weren't actually human? Is it the way that love is supposed to be? 
Honestly, I want to be in love with a human, or someone who I don't think of as being on a pedastal. I want imperfect love; the kind where you don't worry about what you're wearing or the makeup, I want cracked love. I want to be able to eat in front of someone, and not feel ashamed. (yes, I've read somewhere that girls do tend to do that, and I think that it's completely stupid.) I want someone to love me, but also the imperfect side of me.
But love can sometimes blind us to the point where we can't see real probelms that need to be seen. For example, in abusive relationships, the victim tends to not see the fact that their relationship is twisted, the fact that they are being hit by someone that they love and it shouldn't happen. Love is supposed to be happy, not full of bruises, mentally or emotionally. We don't see this rather big flaw, because we love that someone and we just want them.
In the hit television show the hills, I see that with Heidi and Spencer. (Yes, I watch the Hills, it's quite addicting) Spencer basically pressured Heidi to move in with him, and I don't think that's a very good idea, especially on his end. You don't pressure someone you love. You just wait.
Overall, love is perhaps the blindest thing that we as humans can ever stumble accross. Sometimes, we just need to put our glasses on, and maybe, we can see the cracks. 

Fear

Someone once said that 'we have nothing to fear but fear itself.'Logan from Gilmore Girls once said that 'people can live a thousand years but not really living a day'. Fear is what keeps us from living. It's this invisible force between us and actually experiencing the fruits of life; the sweet fruit of risk tastes much better than the bland bread of safety. Fear is what keeps us from living the way we want to. As some guy wearing a robe in Star Wars had said 'the things you fear the most you need to lose', or something like that. I can't exactly remember what it was.
My biggest fear is falling in love or romantic relationships. I've experienced my share of bad men in my life, and all that sad stuff. I'm afraid to fall for someone and then waking up and them realizing that im not as special as they once made me out to be. I fear being cheated on, due to my parents divorce. I fear being a crazy girlfriend, you know like they ones that write crazy gf probelms on twitter? I fear most of all of losing myself, who I am, my hopes and my dreams, throwing them out the window for a guy.
Sometimes I wish that I can find a relationship. I wish that someone was there by my side to tell me that they think I'm pretty damn special. I wish I could have a chance to take a risk. I am tired of not and i think I'm ready to do something about it.
Maybe it's time I take the plunge.

Behind the Eyes

In my old AP pyschology class, we learned about the fundamental attribution error. What basically it means is that we are too quick to judge someone's actions without actually getting to know them. Like if someone is cutting you off in a road then you will probably call them an asshole or a jerk. However, they could be doing that because they are I. A hurry because a loved one is in the hospital or some other dramatic reason.
In high school, I've noticed that happen so many times. There was this girl on my bus that literally annoyed the crap out of me everyday. However I e day, she was crying about how hard her home life is. I have this friend whose home life is horrible an finds refuge in her boyfriends home because of her parents drama. Another friend deals with the confusion of being gay.
Some people tend to judge just based on how you appear. Some people tend to never look past the eyes. They tend to look at the appearance of them rather than the pain that's behind them. Judging someone by their appearance is simply a part of human nature. In the movie hitch, I learned close to 70 percent of things said are non verbal and based on appearance.That means what you see is what you get.
I'm a person with many layers of personality. As the guy in the Blind Side said "She's like an onion-you've got to peel her one layer at a time". I'm like that too. I have many layers of my personality. I struggle with my wieght, loniliness, and the desire for a father figure in my life. I wish sometimes I could walk around without a fear in the world, to be able to jump and not give a shit about the fall, and not care. But that's not the person I am.
I know that life has things happen for a reason. I think what comes around goes around. I think that I shouldn't have the fears that I do, but at night, they lie beside me. In my dreams, I am in a happy place, a utopia of no fears of the fall. I have a father figure, one who loves me and doesn't want to screw me over. I want a friend, a campanion. A beagle or a cat would suffice. Behind my eyes, lies a vulenerable girl whose not as tough as she looks.
Why don't you look behind the eyes?