Sunday, April 29, 2012

So There's This Guy.

So there's this guy,
He tells me I'm pretty special,
He makes me laugh,
He makes me feel needed.
So there's this guy,
And he has a girlfriend.
He says it's over between them,
But funny how their still in a relationship.
He says she's crazy, and I'm the only one keeping him sane.
So there's this guy,
He needs to learn that he can't have his cake and eat it to.
I don't like him, but I think he likes me.
Everyday, it's a snowballing effect, getting bigger and bigger,
I wanted him to be my friend, but he wants more,
Am I a whore?
I feel so bad for that other girl?
Does she know what her boyfriend's been up to?
But to this guy,
You have made me feel worthless for too long.
I'm done with your bullshit.
I would never be your whore.
I would never be yours.
So fuck you,
I hope you get what you deserve.
So there's this guy,
And he's a slimball.
And you know what?
I don't need anyone to tell me I'm special.
Because, I am.
I don't need your bullshit.
And remember,
Karma is a bitch, you asshole.

Friday, April 27, 2012


Today was our school's day of silence, which supports rights of gays, transgenders, yeah you get the picture. I orginally did not plan to do so, but thanks to a friend, he got me thinking about the rights of gays. And then, I got thinking about my best friend. Or one of them. He is seriously the nicest kid on the planet. He's ALWAYS a text message away, and he's always making me laugh. I thought about my ego, and I decided to do it, not only for him, but for the people that don't have the luxury of having a support system. Think about that.
 Throughout the day, I heard that several friends were being treated horribly, by either being pushed in lockers, or being made fun of. Seriously. Not cool bro.
If you are alone, and are reading this, please note that people love you, and support you, and are there for you. You are not alone in this world. People DO care about you, and want to help make your life easier to live. Some people, like the ones that I have mentioned above can be complete assholes, but that's the way society is.
In my modern lit class, we talk about acceptance, and I wrote a paper about the term "That's So Gay" (I'll post a link to the blog entry on Notations on the bottom of this entry. Homophobia is seriously one of the stupidest things that I've ever heard of. People need to learn that you are born gay or straight, and that you have no right to make it seem otherwise. And also, you can not catch being gay either..just so you know. However, homophobia can be caught...just saying.
Now back to my experiences. Staying slient, at the beginning was kinda hard, but I thought it was worth it. Thank you to that friend of mine for teaching me to fight for a good cause. I thought that it was amazing how SO many students could band together and be silent for one school day, and support so many people. To all of the people who participated it with me, awesome. To the people who supported us, thank you. To the people who didn't, fuck you, it's your loss.

Thursday, April 26, 2012


Lately I've been getting my act together. Meaning, I've been attacking life with a different attidude. And to be honest, I'm happier. I know I can conquer anything that is thrown my way. I know that I can handle anything. I know that I'm not a failure at life, but a human who does make her mistakes, and who is lucky enough to have awesome friends to forgive her, and support her no matter what. I hope they know that they are awesome, and they really get you thinking.
Drama is something that in high school is unavoidable. He said she said. Relationships are insecure, it's all one big drama. I feel like in high school, we don't understand how complex relationships can be. Yes, we all want the holding of the hands, the feeling of being wanted. I also know that with things such as raging hormones, and other things that teenagers face, you tend to get a little nuts. To all of my friends with drama in their lives, I give you one piece of advice. Breathe. Everything is not as bad as it seems. And you can get through this, and count on me to help you with anything.
I basically want commmunication, instead of fights.
I want to trust instead of yell.
I want to be Natalie, instead of someone else.
Is that too much to ask?

Tuesday, April 24, 2012


In life, we are dealt the same hand. However, our paths are paved by destiny, and there's nothing we can do about it, other than grin and bear it.
Bad things happen to everyone. Let's face it. Everything can't be all hunky dory. There is sometimes when we have to be faced with challenges. This is when we look fear in the face, this is when we rise to the challenge. Or we can sink to the bottom and not even give it try, because it looks too hard, or it's higher than your normal reach.
Let's exceed limits.
Let's make others wish they were us.
Let's become stronger, not weaker.
Let's look at life in a new way.
Let's defy gravity.
Our outlook changes everything. How we look at things, could change our outcomes. Maybe. So, let's try to oushine the darkness. Let's try to make things a billion times better, by just, being happy. Being happy is simple. Just do something for you. A guilty pleasure. Who honestly gives a damn, along as you're a happy clam.

Sunday, April 22, 2012


The way that we are raised affects how we are in life. Nature vs. nurture is this huge debate in psychology, and I can not help but wonder about the good, and the bad aspects of family.
I'd like to say that I had five people raise me, my mother, my maternal grandparents, and my neighbors across the streets. I know that it's not traditional for a young person to be raised by four elderly people, and a woman, but hey, that's how it was.
My mother taught me to become strong and independent, and if I want something, to go and get it myself. She taught me that you don't need a man to be there for you, you just need yourself. She is the prime example of you don't know what to expect in life, so be cautious and know what the hell you are doing.
My grandparents individually taught me things; my grandfather taught me to laugh, and to always be happy. He taught me to never be too serious, because life is too short. My grandmother taught me that an education is always important, and that dedication is key to marriage.
My neighbors taught me the power of faith. Both devote Catholics, they taught me that God is always going to be there. My auntie Ellen taught me to not take any crap from anyone, and to be a tough broad, because you shouldn't take shit from anyone.
In the span of six months, I lost two of them. My grandfather died in October, and my 'auntie' Ellen passed away in Febuary. Uncle Buddy, Auntie Ellen's husband is currently in a nursing home with Alztimer's disease. It's hard for me to even think that they could be gone, when a year ago she perfectly healthy. She was full of life, as was he. And now they are both gone.They both won't see me walk the stage at my graduation in a few months, nor see my prom dress. My grandfather won't be able to teach me how to drive, and when I get my license, I won't be able to take him out to lunch like I planned. My auntie Ellen wouldn't be able to hem my wedding dress, or teach me how to sew like her. I always wanted to learn, like how to hem clothing and such.
With my wierd family, I also felt a small space of what was missing. I grew up without a father, and everyday, I often felt a confusion of whether or not I loved my father, whether I should forgive my father for what he's done. After fifteen years of bullshit (ie having plans with my father and then him not showing up, him not going to my grandfather's funeral to pay his final respects to a man that he himself said was one of kind, in addition to countless of other things), you often feel like you're done with everything. Then you think, that man is my father. That man helped me come into this world. I should respect him, right? Then you lie in a bed of confusion for most of your life, thinking that if you give him another chance, then maybe, it would be different. In weeks' time, however, you're back to the way that things were. And then you think it's your fault.
Our family is like a poker game: we get what we are dealt with, and then we pick up random pickings off a game.

Rest In Peace Auntie Ellen: 1933-2012
Rest In Peace Grandpa: 1927-2011

Saturday, April 21, 2012

Itunes the New Record Store?

Yesterday, I went to the mall, so needless to say, I took advantage of the fact that they have a store that sells more than just the top twenty or something like that. Needless to say, I was in heaven. I managed to pick up three CDs for about ten dollars. What a deal!
Anyways, there was a point to that story. I got to thinking about how music has changed. I mean it's always been there, but the way that we have been listening to it has changed. I found some records in my mom's old room at my grandma's house yesterday, and I wondered how in less then fifty years, we went to listening to them, to having music on our fingertips on our iPods/iPhone.
Before you know it, CDs will become a thing of the past. We will only be able to obtain music via computer. I mean it's great for the digital age and all, but I can never forget the joy that I got when I was a youngun buying CDs, and watching all of them pile up. As a child, I was able to pick up many interesting choices, from Paula Abdul, to Madonna at my local music store. (yes, I'm an eighties child, deal). I was constantly listening to music, even until I purchased an iPod, where I just started to expand my horizons to the altnernative music world.
My point is, it's sad in twenty years, people will look at CDs, and say to themselves "What the hell is that?" Will my collection of mixmatched CDs be worth something when my children are around? I want them to have the same experiences I did-being able to get three full discs of CDs for the same price as ten songs on itunes.
Is iTunes the new record store?

Thursday, April 19, 2012


I want to taste the world. I want to meet as many people as I possibly can, I want to make as many friends as I can. I want to learn five billion languages, learn three more instruments. I want to read, not just books that are expected by society to be enjoyed by teenagers, but books with meaning. Like Moby Dick, or Death of A Salesman. It's a good thing I have a nook. I want to listen to music from the past, in addition to different genres. Like Marley. Maybe I'll give him a spin after writing this. I really need to upload my Cher CD into my iTunes, speaking of which.
Sorry, guys, I'm easily distracted. Anyways, life is too short for one to waste. Every moment could be our last moment, and what would we have left to say? I spent my life on facebook..? I think I want to make something of myself. I want to write a novel. Actually, I'm writing a novel, but it's off to horrible beginnings. I need a muse.
I want to look back at my life when I'm older, and go 'wow, I didn't miss out on any opportunities." I want to taste happiness, because I think I've spent too much of my life being sad. And as All Time Low would say, "Too much of anything is too much." I'm through wallowing and feeling sorry for myself.
Hello world. Here I come. Ya ready?
Now I'm going to upload that Cher CD.

Wednesday, April 18, 2012

A We Are Not Alone Playlist.

You are what you listen to. Have you ever felt like there's this song out there that makes you feel better? So I've been listening to that SO MUCH lately, so I've composed a playlist, dedicating it to people who are going through things, and need assurance that they aren't alone.
I swear to God, I should be a DJ. That's like my dream job. 
  1. Skyscraper by Demi Lovato
  2. Unbroken by Demi Lovato
  3. When I'm Back On My Feet Again by Michael Bolton
  4. Glitter in the Air by P!nk
  5. The Climb by Miley Cryus 
  6. Liberty Walk by Miley Cryus 
  7. What Doesn't Kill You (Stronger) by Kelly Clarkson
  8. I Don't Wanna Be by Gavin DeGraw
  9. Marry The Night by Lady GaGa
  10. Born This Way by Lady GaGa 
  11. Give Your Heart Break by Demi Lovato
  12. Fucking Perfect by P!nk
Those are my songs. What are yours?

Tuesday, April 17, 2012


We often worry about the things that we don't have versus the things that we do have. In high school, especially. Someone is wearing the jeans that we want, or we don't get the quarterback to ask us to prom. We focus on those, instead of the things that we DO have.
I find that fault in myself especially. I often am not grateful about the things that I do have, mainly because I take them for granted. So here's a list of the things that I am grateful for on this particular morning:
  • My family. Like seriously. I have family who will do anything for me. My mother has done everything that you can possibly think of for me, taking on the role as both mother and father. My grandparents were the two most amazing people who like ran for me, bought me cookies when I was sick, amoungst other things. I really don't have time to go into detail, because I would be typing forever. 
  • Food, shelter, and health. Let's face it. Some people don't have homes, some people don't know when their next meal is, and others have to be in the hospital for months at a time. It's sad, yes, but it's the truth.
  • Friends. I have amazing friends, who I love dearly. I take them for granted every day, and I don't mean to, but they are a HUGE part of my life.
  • My dog. Yes, I realize that this one is kinda silly, but pets are a cute addition to our family.  
  • My education. Let's face it. Some people don't even get the opportunity to go to school, never the less college. A hundred years ago,  I could find myself working at a factory or something. People in other countries don't even get the opportunity to learn how to read and write. Think about it. 
Those are the things that I find to be the most grateful for. What are you taking for granted? Chew on it.

Oh, and I forgot to post this on yesterday's entry: Follow me on Tumblr?

Monday, April 16, 2012

To find my voice

Many times I complain that I feel like no one is listening to me. Many time I feel like I'm living in a world that I can't figure out what my place is or what inn meant to be. I want to do things that are right for me, others may disagree.
My past year has been hell for me, literally becoming hell on earth. I lost two people who were literally a huge part of my childhood, one after a six year battle with dementia, another suddenly without even the opportunity to say goodbye and to tell her how much she had meant to me. The battle with my father, the confusion of knowing to trust the man who has given me life, and give him a second chance of being a father. However that choice is never easy because when I think of my father I think of the hurt that he had put me through. I sometimes am too scared to tell him how I feel, however that doesn't stop the pain that I feel from what he did. I mean I know that he didn't exactly leave me, but in a sense, it feels like he had walked out from his tiny family an into a shiny and new model.
I don't have a voice, because I feel like I'm constantly overwhelmed with everything, so I scream at the people who mean a lot to me. I don't mean to hurt the people that didn't have anything to do with my pain. Sometimes, you get overwhelmed, and you snap. And then you realize that you have two options: to be unhappy or to change your ways, to fight all of the probelms that you have to be the person you want to be.
I want to be a fighter.
I want to look fear in the face, and say "hey bitch, you don't mean shit to me, because I'm not scared of you".
I want to feel free.
I want to make a difference in the lives of someone else, whose life isn't as fornate as my own.
I want to be me. Is that okay with you?