Monday, April 16, 2012

To find my voice

Many times I complain that I feel like no one is listening to me. Many time I feel like I'm living in a world that I can't figure out what my place is or what inn meant to be. I want to do things that are right for me, others may disagree.
My past year has been hell for me, literally becoming hell on earth. I lost two people who were literally a huge part of my childhood, one after a six year battle with dementia, another suddenly without even the opportunity to say goodbye and to tell her how much she had meant to me. The battle with my father, the confusion of knowing to trust the man who has given me life, and give him a second chance of being a father. However that choice is never easy because when I think of my father I think of the hurt that he had put me through. I sometimes am too scared to tell him how I feel, however that doesn't stop the pain that I feel from what he did. I mean I know that he didn't exactly leave me, but in a sense, it feels like he had walked out from his tiny family an into a shiny and new model.
I don't have a voice, because I feel like I'm constantly overwhelmed with everything, so I scream at the people who mean a lot to me. I don't mean to hurt the people that didn't have anything to do with my pain. Sometimes, you get overwhelmed, and you snap. And then you realize that you have two options: to be unhappy or to change your ways, to fight all of the probelms that you have to be the person you want to be.
I want to be a fighter.
I want to look fear in the face, and say "hey bitch, you don't mean shit to me, because I'm not scared of you".
I want to feel free.
I want to make a difference in the lives of someone else, whose life isn't as fornate as my own.
I want to be me. Is that okay with you?

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