Thursday, June 28, 2012


Ashes to ashes, we all fall down. 
We all have moments when we fall, and we can't get up. We all have moments when we need someone to lean on. We all have those moments when we just want someone there so we won't have to be alone. Those moments suck, let me say that they suck. But when you get through them, you feel like you're on top of the world.
Life is full of ups and downs, full of rocky roads, full of smooth ones. We can never control certain things, but nothing in life ever stays consistant. We are meant to be happy at certain times, we are meant to be depressed at others.
Life is full of those meant to bes. Like relationships, like frienships. Destiny plays a role in everything, from what happens to us, to who we marry.
I think the best part of stumbling is the ability to get up. Sometimes, you turn to people, such as friends. In life, with good friends, you can do everything and more. Sometimes, you turn to a hobby, like writing, or music, in my case, to have an escape in the world. We deal with stumbling in different ways.
My question is who is there to help me when I stumble? 

Wednesday, June 27, 2012

Oh my.

After 15 years, you'd think I'd be used to you.
You were never there, I don't even know you.
Do you care about that?
Who are you going to blame?
Are you going to blame me?
I wanted you there.
I wanted you to be there, but you weren't.
I wanted my father,
But I guess I got you instead.
Thanks for nothing you two bit bastard,
Thanks for the heartaches,
Thanks for making me cry.
I thought you were supposed to do the opposite.
Where were you when I graduated, when I was operated on, when I went to prom?
I hate you,
Thanks for making me search for you
There was no replacement.
You didn't ruin my life,
You just made it hard.
I cry for you sometimes at night.
Thanks for the bad memories.
Goodbye will be goodbye,
It's hard to mourn someone when they are still alive,
But you've done your damage,
I just have to fix it. 

Wednesday, June 20, 2012


Tomarrow is my graduation. From high school. WHOA. It seems like yesterday that we were walking in for the first time, praying that we won't get lost in this giant building, it seems like yesterday when we were freaking out about our first days as freshman, and now here we are putting on a cap and gown, walking the stage, and getting our diploma.
I never thought this day would come. I never thought that I would ever make it thus far, and now that I have, I can honestly say it's the wierdest feeling. Tomarrow, when I wake up, I will be a high school senior. When I go to bed, I will be a graduate.
There is so many people that have led me to this point in my life, so many mentors, friends, family members, and other beings. Each and every one of you have somehow, some way brought me to walking that stage tomarrow night.
I'd like to first thank God, because without God, I literally won't be standing here. Without God, I wouldn't be able to do all of the things that I've been able to do, and exist today. Thank you, God for the strength to get through all of the difficult times, and all of the times when I wanted to give up, thanks for putting me through it.
Thank you to Doctor Gonalaz, who gave me the opportunity to see, and without him I would be visually disabled. Thank you for my sight. Thank you to the doctors who diagnosed me with Vasol Vagel Syncopy, without you guys, I would be in the ER a little bit too often..
I'd like to next thank the five people who raised me-my mother, my two maternal grandparents, and my old neighbors. Each of you had a part of getting me to this point, but most of the credit lies in my mother's hands. Not only in giving birth to me, which was a harsh process, but in raising me, on one salary for 15 years. She was with me through every doctor's appointment, event, concert, and game. I know sometimes we don't get along, but Mom, you literally helped me get to this point. I love you, and thank you for the support. I'd like to thank my grandmother Millie. When I was little, she would always be encoraging me to read, and bought me a leapfrog so I can learn how to read. She watched me while my mother was at work, through educational televison, and stories about her childhood in the depression, entertained me. I'd like to next thank my 'Uncle' Buddy, who taught me about patience, something that he had much of. He now is in a retirement home for Alztimer's disease, but if he could, would be watching me walk the stage tomarrow night.
I'd like to now thank the two people who raised me, who are no longer with us. If you both knew how much I wish you were there to see me at prom, or tomarrow night, yeah it's a lot. Thank you to my father figure Cosmo "Sonny" Mansi. You were around when my father wasn't, and I know I was a handfull growing up, and I'm grateful for everything that you've done for me. I love you, and I will always "take it from a dummy".
Thank you to my other grandmother, "Auntie" Ellen. I never got the chance to say goodbye to you, and I will always regret it. I will also miss you calling me Natlie, and waking my mother up for me. Thank you for all of the sewing that you've done for me over the years, you really were talented. No one can ever take your place.
I'd like to thank all of my teachers for the work that they've done for me and have inspired me to do more and go above and beyond. If you were a teacher of mine, thank you!
Next I'd like to thank my friends. A shoutout to my best friend, a girl that has done so much for me, who has gone through hell and back with me. She was there for me the night my grandfather died, when the guy I liked didn't like me back she was there for a movie. She's the one who I call when I have good news or bad news. She's my little Charlotte. Thanks little sissy for being there for me! I love you, and I will gladly hand out more roses for you, if you like.
I'd like to next thank someone who means a great lot to me. This person is literally the nicest person ever. He's the person who I tell EVERYTHING to, good, and bad. He's the one who I've spent my mornings with, the one who I wrote notes for everyday, the one that never has a bad thing to say about anyone, the one that puts up with my crap, and still wants to be my friend. Griffin, you are awesome. Keep on rocking that green backpack, and thank you for everything that you've done. You're literally the best person ever, and seriously learn how to answer your phone, because I will miss contacting you on a daily basis. Plus, you taught me really big words. I'm going to miss you like crazy man..
I'd like to thank all of the other people that have stumbled into my life; a fun loving amazing girl who I've known since freshman year whose always there for me, through breakups, and deaths. I LOVE YOU VEREEEEEEEEEE. Jenni, my awesome guidette, we'll have tons of fun whereever we end up in life. You're an awesome friend, whose there for me, and has my back. Helena, my freshman, thanks for all of the laughs during warm ups, and for always being there for me, and having my back. I'll miss seeing you and Maurice next year. Gabriel, you are the world's funniest person. Thanks for entertaining me first period! Ben, you and I had a wierd relationship, but you were a little brother to me, in addition to my go to guy for advice. I will forever miss your jew fro, may it rest in peace.Nicole, you are awesome. Thanks for all of the pyschology notes when I was absent, and all of the entertainment during that hell. You are ALL a great friend to me, and I hope that I was to you all.
There are many people who I've missed, and sorry for that, it doesn't mean I love you, it means my hands are tired of typing, and I have an email and a letter to write.
Here's to us, class of 2012!

Tuesday, June 19, 2012


I've been a subscripter of the word of the day program, in an attempt to build a wider vocab. Today's word is pensee. Pensee means reflection or thought. Since I'm about to embark on a journey of graduating high school, I figured it was a good time to pensee, or to reflect.
High school has been awesome. I mean I met awesome people, went through a lot of crazy experiences, and learned that I'm awesome. What could be better?
I guess life is what you make of it. High school is like life in that respect. It's what you make of it. I had some bad experiences such as breakups, fights with friends, and drama. But once you rise above it, and do better than before, the world is your oyster, and the end.
Anways, I'm much too lazy to write a fully thought out blog entry.
Oh, and I'm graduating in two days.
Oh, and I'm awesome.
Oh, and I'm too lazy to charge my phone.
Oh, and I'm watching the news.
Oh, and I'm 36 tweets away from tweeting 10,000 times.
Oh, and I miss someone.
Oh, and I want a hug.
Oh, and I'm bored.
Oh, and I really should stop doing this...

Monday, June 18, 2012

There's More Than That.

Lately, I've been thinking about the movie Titanic. And for those of you who don't know, it's the top of my list of best movies of all time. Like at the very top. And no, I'm not just listening to the soundtrack of it (well the score anyways).
Personally, the movie is quite powerful, at least in my opinion. It takes the historical concept, with the whole it being taken place in victorian era, and stuff. The gowns were so pretty then, with the beading and intricate details. Believe it or not, I kinda wanted my prom dress to look like the one that Kate Winslet wore to that dinner party thing where all of the snotty people were. (I'll enclose a picture at the end) And of course, the sinking of the Titanic is quite historical, and a mystery to some as to why the unsinkable ship has sunk. Of course, it was the iceberg, but you get the picture. It takes the books that you've read to another level, another part of understanding the material. It's like you can see what the books are trying to tell you or something.
My favorite part of the movie is the intense love scenes. To be quite honest, when I first saw the movie, I was going through a harsh breakup, which requires late nights spent with a tub of Ben and Jerry's ice cream...Anyways, when I first saw that movie, it gave me hope. It showed me that not everyone can be an asshole. And yes, I realize that it was just a movie, but it made me realize that there are nice guys out there, and sometimes, you just need to open yourself up, a tad bit, just to let them in. Sometimes, you just gotta say "fuck you" to all of our fears, insecurities, when something is wrong you tell them, and just be open to everything, such as standing on a boat "flying". (Now, you all know the reason why I want to do that...SOMEONE DO THAT WITH ME!) The most important lesson I learned is that when fate steps in, you just got to step out of the way, and let it do it's thing. You can not control fate. Fate controls you, and you're just a pawn in it's game.
Believe it or not, a movie taught me that...
Oh, and at the bottom is the pretty dress I like...yes, I'm a nerd.

Sunday, June 17, 2012

You Have To Earn It.

Today's Father's Day, in case y'all haven't read a newspaper or logged into a social networking site. However, some people have children, and aren't there for them to see them grow up, go watch them go to prom, support them in their college decesions and life plans, and actually be a father/parent. I'm a child of one of those people.
I believe it takes much more to be a father than just the biology. You actually have to go out there and make an effort, and not do anything stupid, and then justify that stupid action with stupidty. You can't expect for someone to have respect for you when you don't meet them halfway. Respect is like money. You have to earn it. That means sweating some bullets here.
My father and I never had a relationship. Maybe, when I was an infant, before he left, but ever since then he made some effort to contact me. However, those efforts were often soley on his terms, and often shortlived. He often made me feel inferior, often made me feel like I was doing something wrong about not understanding why he couldn't be a father to me, why he couldn't be there for me, why does he always try to make things harder when they should be easier?
Unfortunatley, I'll never get the answers to those questions. But here's a message to my father:
Happy father's day, Dad, even though you don't really deserve it. I hope you have a nice life, doing whatever it is you're doing. I hope you can't sleep at night for all of the guilt. I hope you remember how much it bothers me that you weren't there for me, and how little I want you here now. I can't be a part of your charade anymore. I can't deal with you anymore. I'm growing old, as are you. I bid you farewell, because well, I'm an adult now, and I'm not stupid. You had your chance. You chose to waste it. 
So happy father's day, to the ones who actually are there for their children, living or dead. 

Friday, June 15, 2012


Today, I took my last final of my high school career.
The last time I will walk these halls as a student; the last time that I will walk with my friends in the hallways, killing time between classes. The last time I will be late to my classes. The last time I will eat the school's doughy cookies that aren't cooked. The last time I will be able to say I'm a senior. The last time I'll play badminton, because where I'm going to college doesn't have the sport. The last time I'll go to my locker, or even have a locker. The last time I'll have a band requirement.
Those are so many lasts. So many things to make me cry. (I read my yearbook today, after all of the nice things that people wrote, I literally bawled. I'm going to miss each and everyone of you).
But there are people that are telling me that this is a new beginning. A fresh start, a tabula raisa. And damn it, as much as exciting as it is, it's pretty gosh darn scary. Yeah orientation and such is helping me get my feet wet, but it's still new. It's still strange.
I feel like I'm driving in the fast lane, with no chance of slowing down. Between turning 18, attempting to learn how to drive, and leaving the familar seas of my high school for those choppy waves of the real world where you don't know shit, and are left on your ass if you fall. It's scary.
But then, at the same time, it seems exciting. No more people being immature. Everyone is happy to be there. You get out there, and meet more people, a bigger pool of characters. However you leave behind the people you've known forever, and some of them you love and have grown quite attached.
Is this the end? Or the beginning?

Thursday, June 14, 2012

Then and Now.

Today was my last day of my senior year of high school. HOLY SHIT WHERE DID THE TIME GO? Like seriously, I remember my first day of my freshman year, four whole years ago.
Back then, teachers used to actually take your cell phones, and having a quick messaging phone was the shit. Back then, I was small, and naive. I didn't know or care much about college, didn't know what I was doing with my life after I left school. I wore black that day. I wore a black shirt, capris, and converse. Now, as a senior, I wore black as well. I wore (am wearing) a black dress, and toms.
Over the past four years, I learned so much. I met wonderful people, who I hope to remain friends with for the rest of my life. I got Facebook, Twitter, and Tumblr. I learned how to move on after a failed relationship. I learned Italian, pyschology, and various others. Most of all, I learned that the only way that you can get far in life is when you do thing genuienly, and being true to yourself.
I can't believe that in a week, I'll be walking in a cap and gown. Good bye, Hamden High School, it's been real!

Tuesday, June 12, 2012

Healthy or Unhealthy?

For a while now, I've been thinking about relationships. I've been thinking many things-from what makes a relationship worth the time that is given, to why does one want to be in a relationship. I've also given thought to what makes a relationship healthy vs what makes a relationship unhealthy. 
Often, people of my peers have gotton into a relationship for the first time. Often, you don't know what to expect, so you rely on your peers and others to guide you. First of all, let me say this for future reference- a relationship consists of you and that other person. Not your friends, whether on real life or on Facebook. Just you and them.
But what is a healthy relationship? A healthy relationship consists of:
  • Trust. I think a relationship of any kind needs some kind of trust. If they say that they are going to hang out with their friends somewhere, then yes, they probably are going to hang out with their friends somewhere. If you don't trust someone, and you are blowing up their phone thousands of times, because you apparently need to know where they are, chances are you shouldn't be with them. And if you have concerns, talk to them about it. They will listen. And if they don't, then screw them.  
  • Space. You have friends. He has friends. You have a life. He has a life. Don't spend your entire existence glued to the arm of someone. You have friends and school to worry about. Plus, ever hear the saying absence makes the heart grow fonder?
  • If you have an issue, then you talk about it. Then you move on. Relationships consist of communication. It's the key, don't you know? 
  • If they don't answer you back, chances are they are busy, or something. If he doesn't answer your text in about five minutes, then chill. He might be unable to talk. Or be asleep, which in that case, who answers their phone when they are sleeping? 
Now, I bet you're asking what an unhealthy relationship consists of:
  • Constant arguing or drama. 
  • Being unhappy all of the time. Relationships are supposed to be happy. If you're not for any reason, please do yourself a favor and break up. He or She is not the only person on the planet. 
  • Constantly texting, and then if they don't respond, keep on texting and texting or leaving a bunch of messages. If they don't respond and haven't done anything questionable, then you shouldn't be worried. Take a chill pill. 
  • Keeping one from hanging out with friends. Their life isn't solely centered on you. Friends are awesome, and sometimes, one needs to see them.
Relationships can be a good thing. But sometimes, they can be unhealthy. Making yourself miserable, over a guy isn't the best thing to do, and won't make either of you happy. 

Monday, June 11, 2012


It's the last week at school. My last week walking the halls of my high school as a student. In about ten days, I'll be walking the stage as a graduate, getting my diploma, rocking the yellow cap and gown that my school gave me, a tassel that say 2012 waving around in my face. 
Last week, I went to my freshman orientation at college. And let me say this; it's totally different than high school. The campus is huge, there is literally nobody telling you what to do, it's all up to you to decide those things for you, and the biggest thing is that everyone out there was so nice and welcoming, ready for us to join their school community. Literally, everywhere I turned, I was able to make a new friend. And I can't wait to go back in the fall to make MORE friends. (Yay friends!)
But when I came back to my high school, I felt wierd. I felt like I didn't belong there anymore. I felt like I went to another brighter world, and now was coming back to a duller one. Surely, I  missed my high school friends and was happy to see them, but I felt kind of out of it. I kinda felt like I had outgrown this place. 
So that makes me a tumbleweed. In one of the Peanut's Christmas special, I think it's called "I Want A Dog for Christmas, Charlie Brown", we meet Snoopy's brother, Spike. He goes to visit Snoopy, and gets adopted by ReRun, Linus' and Lucy's brother, who is desperate for a dog of his own. Anyways, towards the end of the movie, Spike returns to the desert, where he builds a tumbleweed snowman, and then it flies away. I kinda feel like that tumble weed, because right now I'm flying to a place that is yet unknown. I have no home. High school is over, pretty much, and college is welcoming me with welcome arms. Yet, I'm afraid to let go the security blanket that is high school, where I resided for the last four years, and experience the experiences that I have yet to experience.
 I'll miss my friends. I'll miss taking the bus to school, instead of driving. I'll miss knowing what to expect. 
I'm a tumble weed. 
I feel like singing that song by Nelly Furtado: 
I'm like a bird, 
I don't know where my home is. 
I forgot the rest of the words, but you get the point. Let me fly. 

Saturday, June 9, 2012

Summer Bucket List.

Everyone has a list of something's that they have yet to do but they always wanted to. I realized recently that there is so much that I have yet to experience that I should try to get out there and actually experience it. After all, you only live once, so let's try to make the most out of it, right? Anyways, so there's  so much that I want to do, at least before I go to my first day at college. So, here's my summer bucket list:
  1. To slow dance with someone. I've never done it right, and I kinda want to learn, so that I would be able to do so. (PS: to the person who I went to prom with, can I have a redo to redeem myself?)
  2. To remake the Titanic "I'm flying scene" with someone. As a Titanic fan, I always wanted to do that. 
  3. Read the Hunger Games. Or the last two anyways. I read the first one over a year ago, and I kind of want to find out what happens next. Actually, I just want to read a lot over the summer, that way I'll be able to be super eduated, kind of like Rory Gilmore. 
  4. To learn how to drive. I seriously need to get on that, as a commuter..
  5. To get a job. I'm a starving artist who needs to pay her tution. Oh, and car insurance to my car which I'll be commuting to school with. So, time to score a minimum wage job! Woot!
  6. Go on a date. I seriously just want to go for the experience. I also think it would be fun to go on a super awkward date, just to say that I have. 
  7. See the following movies: The Hunger Games, all of the Harry Potter Movies, Braveheart, Easy A, and that movie with the dancer chick that's coming out this week. 
  8. Enjoy life! We seriously need to enjoy life. 
What's on your bucket list? Have a great summer guys!

Friday, June 8, 2012


Yes, you.
You make me smile.
You make me sick.
You're stupid.
You annoy me.
You're ignorant.
If I hear my name out of your mouth, I'll scream.
And I can scream loudly.
I hate you.
You make me feel trapped.
I hate you.
You make me feel weak, almost powerless.
Fuck you, you jerk.
I just want to hit you.
But then, I have no bones in my body to do so.
Go away.

Thursday, June 7, 2012


We all agree on something that makes us believe on we get what we give. Whether it's God and prayer, or just karma, we have some kind of belief. We hear sayings such as 'what goes around comes around', or "karma's a bitch", the prospect of getting what we give out. So, if you shout 'fuck you' to the delivery guy, and you trip on something, this, my friend is karma. A strange example of it, yes, but I think you all got the point.
I agree with this statement, but I think that there's more out there than this. There's more out there than sitting on your ass and waiting for something to happen. Whether it may be a job or a relationship, if you don't put yourself on the line, you're not going to get what you want, or deserve in life. Wishing only gets you so far. If you don't try, then you're not going far. Sure, the whole karma this is true, and I believe that. There's more than that, though. Let's say, you want good grades. You can just sit on the sidelines, make wishes at 11:11 for them, but you don't do any kind of studying. OR you can study your ass off, and get a good grade, because you studied, and worked hard for it.
Don't get me wrong, I believe in prayer. I believe in wishing my probelms away at 11:11. But, I also know that hard work can also play a huge role in your outcome, or your ending.

Wednesday, June 6, 2012


I just came back from my freshman orientation. To be honest, there is a bunch of emotions running through my head-sadness, excitement, fear, and of course, anticipating what comes next.
I feel like I'm at a crossroads at my life as of now. The high school where I once called home is now being buried in the sand of the beach that is my life. But as I run into the waves of college I can't help but feel pangs of sadness of what i'm leaving or most importantly who I'm leaving. But yet, as I walked the campus, and said hello to who ate now my classmates, getting lost on campus and wondering what my life will become when I leave this place, I knew something. I knew that I belonged. And despite my worries of not getting a job as an English major, or not quite being sure of anything, I know I'll be okay. I know I'll maintain my friends, of they anwser my text messages and see them from time to time. And I know that there will be new people in my path, similar life stories ready to meet me.
College, here I come.

Monday, June 4, 2012

The Beginning?

Graduation is coming up. And this year, I'm going to be the one that's walking the football field wearing yellow. (Ironically, it's my late grandfather's birthday) Normally, one would be so happy about leaving, starting a new life, change, but I'm not.
I just starting to adjust to my life after a year of change. I'm finally getting stable, finally getting used to everything, and all of sudden: GRADUATION. COLLEGE ORIENTATION. Sure, it's exciting. Sure, it's something to look foreward to, but I can't help but wonder what I'm leaving behind:
  • I'm leaving behind my friends, all of the ones I've grown up with, and the ones that I met a few years back. I'm leaving behind a girl with curly hair with freckles who I call my best friend, my little sissy. I'm leaving behind a girl with long brown hair, and olive skin. I'm leaving behind a girl with highlights in her hair and a passion for dance. I'm leaving behind a blond haired best friend, who never fails to make me laugh when I'm down. I'm leaving behind an adopted girl with long hair, and a smile on her face everyday. I'm leaving behind a girl who had long hair, and speaks Spanish. I'm leaving behind a kid with a green back pack, an ear to listen to my probelms, and always has facts in tote.
  • I'm leaving behind my years of being a kid. I'm going to be 18. No child support. No getting a discount at iHop for being a kid. I have to pay for myself, and worry about tution and bills at the end of the month. I'm on my own now, and it's kinda scary.
  • I'm leaving behind the teachers who inspired me to grow. Aranci, Lidzbarski, Feldman, Stamidis (whose class I'm in right now, and supposed to be working on an essay for), Easton, Coladarci, Balanda, Barkon, Davidson, Forcucci, Leone, and Mr. C, you all are a huge part of my success on my path of academics, and thanks to y'all, I'm at college. Or going to be, but whatever.
I'm afraid of failing. I'm afraid of losing all of those people. I finally found my place, and now it's no longer time for me to be there. The beginning? More like it's the end of an era. But, it's also the beginning for college. For driving a car. For my books to be written and published. For me. I need to find a place in this world. It's scary not knowing where you're going, but maybe, the craving for familarity will soon be satisfied by the taste of openess. Of new beginnings.
Here's to new beginnings.

Sunday, June 3, 2012


In pyschology, we have to do a ceiling tile project that represents us, who we are, and what makes us, us.
At first, it was easy; I chose a cupcake, because cupcakes remind me that happiness can come in small doses of happiness, a music note for all of the music related items that I do (dance, sing, play the flute), some writery stuff, because duh, I'm a writer, and a heart, because according to a friend of mine, I'm a caring person. However, I had room for one more. And I couldn't think of anything. It was kinda like writer's block, except I had to draw something. So, I literally texted half of my friends, asking them the question of what makes me, well me.
After nearly six hours of trying to think of something. I finally got it. Eye glasses. Okay, laugh if you must, but I actually have a serious reason of having eye glasses there. Okay, fine two. The first is because I always had probelms with my eyes. I had surgery when I was four years old, which if I didn't I would have extreme difficulty seeing. I still have to wear glasses (or contacts, for the days I feel kind of vain), and probably have to wear them for the rest of my life. I however thank my lucky stars that I was able to get that surgery, and I can actually pretty much see. The second reason is because of my blog. Believe it or not, after two years (well almost) of blogging, you have a lot of opnions to write, a lot of insight to share for the word. I remember getting an email from a friend, who read one of my older entries, and enjoyed one of them. (I think that it was called we all have probelms, which was inspired by the hit televison show Awkward) One of the things I can remember distinctly about that blog entry is the closing sentence, which was 'keep up with your insightful blog entries'. I still, to this day, have that email. Anyways, the point of that lovely story, was eye glasses. Sight. Insight. There you go. I seriously amaze myself with my amazing ideas.
I guess there is many components to your personality. More than a ceiling tile can hold. More than symbols can create. I can't symbolize everything that makes me, well me, because there is not a tile in the world that can be large enough. I'm a person with many ingredients, a person whose not made the exact same way as the rest of you. No one went through the same things as you did; therefore no one can judge you for what you've been through.
Four years ago, when I was a freshman, that would have bothered me, since my goal back then was to be popular, to be something that I'm not.
Four years later, now that I'm graduating, I'm content with my quirkiness. I'm content with what makes me, me. And if you have a probelm with me. Well, you can just deal with that, because you are not going to rain on my own parade.