Thursday, May 31, 2012

My Middle School Tunes.

So, lately, I've been doing a lot of reminiscing. After all, graduating high school gets one thinking about their past experiences, and wonder about the ones that we have yet to expect in the future. I'm scared of what my future would bring, but at the same time, I am eager to see what's out there for me, to see what comes in my path.
Anyways, I was reading a magazine the other day, and one of the ideas for something was to make a playlist about the tunes that once rocked my world in middle school; the days when I first began to dip my foot into the pool of great music. I remember when the one gig iPods came out, and everyone would look at each other's to see what kind of music you were into. Now we have cell phones that play music. Wierd, huh? So, here you go.
  1. Start All Over by Miley Cryus: Back when I was in eighth grade, Hannah Montana first came out, and I seriously thought that all of her songs were amazing. I hate to admit it, but I actually have seen pretty much all of the episodes of Hannah Montana. I gotta admit it was a pretty cool show. Ah, old Disney Channel. 
  2. Six Feet Under the Stars by All Time Low: I discovered this band in eighth grade, and still to this day love them. This was the first song that I had downloaded by them, and I'm sure as hell glad I did. 
  3. Welcome to the Black Parade by My Chemical Romance: Back when I was a kid, I thought it was cool to be goth, and try the whole wearing black thing/emo music thing. Needless to say, it's a good thing that I decided that it wasn't much of my thing-however it did have some amazing music. 
  4. Umbrella by Rihanna: This was such a huge hit in the summer of 2007. I seriously used to like jam to this song. I also think this is also when Rihanna became like a serious artist kinda. 
  5. Cyclone by Baby Bash: I thought I was a cool cat back then by listening to rap music. I wasn't. CAUSE SHE MOVES HER BODY LIKE A CYCLONE, AND SHE MAKES ME WANNA DO IT ALL NIGHT LONG.
  6. Church by T-Pain: What I said for the above song applies here also. 
  7. Break the Ice by Britney Spears: Briney made her comeback in 07. Needless to say, I used to enjoy singing along to this oh so catchy tune. How can you like not enjoy her music? 
  8. Forever by Chris Brown: They played this song at my eighth grade dance. I throughly enjoy this song, mainly because it reminds me of my first crush. 
  9. Smells Like Teen Spirit by Nirvana: I discovered Nirvana in eighth grade also. Good stuff. 
  10. 4 Minutes by Madonna: Another eighth grade dance song. I enjoyed the video, in addition to I tried to repilicate the movement. Needless to say-it didn't work. 
  11. Thanks for the Memories by Fall Out Boy: ONE NIGHT, AND ONE MORE TIME, THANKS FOR THE MEMORIES, THANKS FOR THE MEMORIES! I love this song so much! Even though, it's really old, I still play it at top volume. 
  12. I Write Sins, Not Tradgidies by Panic! At The Disco: I used to love this band, back in the day.
  13. There's a Good Reason Why These Tables Are Marked Honey, You Just Haven't Thought Of Them Yet by Panic! At The Disco: They have such long song names. That's what makes them awesome. 
  14. State of the Union by Rise Against: I used to love punk music so much. 
  15. Face Down by the Red Jumpsuit Apparatus: This song was like the first screamo song I ever listened to. I however thought that the message of the song was amazing, because love really shouldn't be abuse. End of story. 
  16. How to Save a Life by the Fray: I used to love the Fray so much. I forgot about them. Maybe I should give that CD a spin sometime in the near future. 
  17. Miss Murder by AFI: Another punk days song...
So, I give y'all a challenge-turn on your iPod nanos, and brace yourselves and remember the songs that once rocked your world back in the day. 

Wednesday, May 30, 2012

Old Friends.

How are you doing?
Your hair looks nice like that, you've lost those last few pounds.
You no longer wear the bracelets I used to make for you.
Remember when we used to walk around aimlessly?
Remember when we used to talk about nothing for hours on end?
Now you're a stranger to me.
I don't see the person I once knew.
Instead, I see a stranger.
She looks a lot like you, doesn't she?
But you open your mouth.
You don't sound like the person that you once were.
You act like a stranger.
Now I know why I'm not your friend.
We've gone down different paths.
I don't exactly hate you,
But I don't exactly care anymore.
We've all got to move on sometime, right?
We're just old friends.
We'll have our memories,
But our paths different.

Tuesday, May 29, 2012

"You Only Live Once"

You only live one.
At first, the freaking saying annoyed me. I mean at my school, the only people who said it were the idiot people that would spend their lives drinking, and partying. Which is not YOLO, but however it's wasting your life, and brain cells.
However, I thought about the saying, and how many times that I don't live or take chances. I'm scared of taking chances, because I'm afraid of striking out. I'm afraid of losing the game. But, in the movie "A Cinderella Story", there was a quote that said "Never let the fear of striking out keep you from playing the game".
I'm afraid of getting hurt. By love. By friends. By loss. But that's no way to live. We can't let the fear of losing be what keeps us from living the way we want to live. If there's someone you like? You should ask them out. If there's a job that you want, go and freaking get it.
I basically live my life on one concept. Go with my gut. However, I'm blinded by fear, in addition to my astigmatism. If I feel something, then I'm going to go for it. I very much deserve it.
The fact that in less than a month, I will be walking the stages, grasping my diploma as an eager high school graduate kind of scares me. I'm afraid of leaving behind my friends, especially the ones that I have grown quite close to. However, because of my upcoming graduation, I'm realizing one thing.

Friday, May 25, 2012


What did you expect? 
What do you want me to say? 
You don't know how much you've hurt me. 
You don't care, do you? 
You just want to make it into a show, 
It's all about you, 
I guess it's wrong that I can't have anything for myself.
It's about how you lie, 
It's about why you didn't try. 
It's not about what you say, 
It's about what you do,
Or didn't do. 
I wish that you actually cared about me. 
I guess that's never going to happen. 
I guess that you're going to be his parent over mine. 
I guess that you'll be the one in misery.
You'll hear my side, 
But you won't listen. 
Why is that? 
Why don't you go fuck yourself? 
I hope you don't go into a church, because I think you'll be blowing up in flames. 
I hate you. 
I hate you. 
No I don't. 
I love you. 
But I hate what you've done. 
And how you handled me. 
I guess now that I'm grown up, 
I'll be gone, 
The prodigal daughter you've never known. 
I hate it that it's all or nothing with you. 
Don't you understand? 
Don't you know what you've done?
A two page email, 
What the hell? 
I guess that in time I'll be okay. 
Father, my ass. 

Thursday, May 24, 2012

To Say/Not To Say.

Some of the things that are hard for me to do is speak what I feel. For example, if something is  bothering me, then I would either let it happen, or not say anything. Both I know isn't exactly the best things to do in a situation, because it's unhealthy to bottle your emotions up in a bottle, because when bottles shake, they explode, and when they explode, there is danger everywhere.
In friendships, there is a lot of tension, and awkward moments. In that case, it requires you to speak up, because if you don't, then you have the chance of being known as the girl who is walked over on.
So, I decided to confront a person (or two) who I felt that I had loose ties with. Sometimes, leaving the ties loose rather than cutting them off can be a bad thing because if a wound is not treated, then it festers, and gets worse and worse by the day. But, if you take care of it, then it gets better, and you feel better. And, after that, I felt pretty damn good about myself.
Why? Because I know that with time, some wounds heal. Life is too short to be angry, and to hate, so sometimes, just forgiving can make you feel better. However, sometimes, there are things that you just can't forgive, but that varies from person to person. Like, for me that's insulting any member of my maternal side (and paternal grandfather) of my family, in addtion to lying to my face.
At the same time, however, I want to be treated with respect. I want people to treat me like they want to be treated, not like how they want to treat me. I want people to view me as a person that they respect, and want to be friends with. I don't want to take any kind of crap from no one. I'm tired of being the doormat. I don't want to be stepped on giants, for being small. I want to be big, at least in my personality. I want people to look at me, and say "It's that girl. I may not know her name, but she has a good head on her shoulders, and doesn't take any crap from anyone."
Sometimes, I often struggle with learning to use my voice. When is it right to say things? When is it right not to say things? When do we forgive? When do we not? As each day progresses, I get better and better trying to understand it, and trying to find my footing. But, what can we say? I can only take one day at a time.

Tuesday, May 22, 2012

A Night To Remember?!?

Prom is fastly approaching us. Some have past, some are upcoming. Mine is this Saturday, and to be completly honest, I'm pretty pysched.
But, there is so much drama that comes with it. Like, who doesn't like who, who didn't do this, or that, yadda yadda yadda. It's so much stress for one lousy night. Like everyone has to put their two cents in, and others don't like it, and it equals drama.
I thought this was a night to be happy. I thought you would want to anticipate this, not dread it. I thought it was something that we would remember for the rest of our lives. I thought we would want to celebrate the things that we've accomplished. I thought it would be something that we have to look foreward to, because we do only get one prom, and it's best to have the time of our lives when we do get the chance to go. It should bring friends closer together, rather then farther apart.
I'm tired of the drama. I'm tired of hearing about seating plans, I'm tired of hearing "I don't like him/her". It's not about whether you don't like someone. It's about the fact that we're seniors, and that we deserve a chance to celebrate. We deserve to have a good night, and forget the troubles.
So, if you want to, bitch about it. But I'm planning to enjoy myself, because I damn well deserve it. 

Saturday, May 19, 2012

I'm Not That.....

I hate males. Well, this one male. I hate that he thinks that books are boring, and I hate that he spends his time playing video games. I hate that he complains about his girlfriend and he's still with her. I hate that he doesn't like to read.
He's spineless.
He's disrespectful.
He's extremely rude.
He's an asshole.
He's annoying.
He's obnoxious.
He's stupid.
Is this the way that men are? If that's the case, then I don't want one. I don't want someone to be a sexist pig, who expects me to make them sandwiches. I'm a woman. I deserve much more than your bullshit. I'm not the girl who gets treated badly, and serves the man sandwiches. I want to be the girl who you respect. I want to be the one who you bring home. I want to be an equal, not your servant, or sex slave.
But what DO I want to be? I want to be the girl who you love. The girl that you respect. Is that too much to ask?

Thursday, May 17, 2012

A Playlist for Prom.

Okay, I enjoy making playlists. In my past life, I swear I was a DJ. Lately, since my prom is in about a week, (man, that's cray,) I decided to make a playlist full of catchy pop songs, and some songs that I enjoy and wish they would play at MY prom, even though they probably won't, because no one ever listens to me...
  1. All Night Long-Demi Lovato. One of my favorite songs by her! Plus, this song reminds me of the whole you know staying up all night and having fun. 
  2. Eternal Flame-The Bangles. I am a HUGE Bangles fan! This is an amazing song to like slow dance to. 
  3. Love Shack-the b52s. Classic. 
  4. Girl Gone Wild- Madonna. I love this song. In fact, it's one of my favorites. Plus, it's like ultra catchy, perfect for the club, or prom.
  5. Hung Up-Madonna. Okay, I just am a Madonna fan. 
  6. Moment 4 Life-Nicki Minaj
  7. Rapture-Alicia Keys. This cover of Blondie's song is purely amazing. Plus, this song is about friends, and don't you hang out with friends during prom? Yeah, thought so.
  8. Single-Natasha Bedingfield. To all of the girls going stag.
  9. We Are Young-Fun.
  10. Walk This Way-Run DMC. I really wish they would play this. It's a classic.
  11. Sexy to Me- JoJo. Perfect club hit. Love this song, and the artist. Excited for Jumping Trains!
Okay, so here you go. Suggest these songs to the DJ, or just jam to them. It's up to you.

Wednesday, May 16, 2012

I'm Not Perfect.

Why do you look down on me?
Do you think that you're better than me?
Do you think I'm stupid?

Well I'm not.

I've watched my father leave,
I've wondered what I've did wrong to make him ignore me.
I heard his lies.
I heard him try.
But he didn't listen.
Nor does he want to change.
Maybe, I'll walk away,
And then he'll get it.

I've watched my grandfather die,
The man who raised me,
Didn't know who I was.
Dementia took over,
Memories go away!
The dementia will beat them senselessly.
His eyes now lie shut,
They will never open,
His mouth will never smile at me again,
He will never laugh,
Never joke.
I wish he was here.

I'm not perfect,
I have faults,
But then so do you?
So don't tell me how to live my life,
Or else, I will tell you where to go.

Monday, May 14, 2012


L is for lust. 
O is for obsession
V is for vanity
E is for extra annoying.

Is a relationship something that revolves around the concept of constantly being around one another?
Does every Friday have to be spent with them?
Why do you need each other?
What about your friends?
What about your job?
What about your dreams?
Do you really have to check his phone?
Whatever happened to trust?

L is for lovely memories
O is for the one and only
V is for very extradonary
E is for enjoying the time together

Maybe it's worth taking a chance with you, maybe it's not,
If it turns into too much, I'll walk.
I don't need you, I crave company,
No one in this earth should get to be lonely.
Life is too short,
But let's not spend whatever moment we can with each other?
We both have our own lives, okay?
So then,
The time we spent together,
Would be awesome.
So, don't worry about me.
I'll call you, if I need you.
I need my time, and you'll need yours.
Let's just enjoy each other?
Life is too short to argue.

Sunday, May 13, 2012


They are the people that have given birth to us. They are the people who raise us. They are the people that nurse us to health, when we are sick. When we are teenagers, we fight with them for freedom. And when we get old, we somehow become friends with them. Mothers are the friends that we are given that will speak their mind because they know that they are wanted, and we know that they are not afraid to give you the truth.
I'd like to dedicate this blog entry to my mother. Okay, yes, sometimes we don't get along. Okay, sometimes we never get along, and our house can be world war three. But my mom has been there for me for eighteen years. Eighteen years of school. Eighteen years of taking care of me when I was sick. Fifeteen years of being a single parent. Fifty years of being a dedicated daughter. My mom has been through divorce, watching her father die, being drove nuts by her lonely mother, who won't leave her alone, and she's been through so much. Yet, she does what she has to do. She never has a spare moment to herself, and sometimes, that can take it's tool on a person. 
So, the point of the story is that we have mothers. We fight with our mothers. We say things that we will later regret to them. But when the world is against us, they will be the one that defend us.
Happy Mother's Day!

Saturday, May 12, 2012

Chasing Butterflies

Butterflies come by everyday,
Two exactly.
They fly fast and chase each other,
Like children running in the park.
Pennies fall from heaven,
At times of doubt,
Of times of loniliness
They come from two souls above
One woman, one man.
I wish they were still here,
But as the pennies drop,
And the butterflies go by,
They remind me that they are still with me.

Wednesday, May 9, 2012


Yeah, we've all had it. However, the struggles that one faces depends on the person. Some people struggle for acceptance. Others struggle with finding a voice. Others struggle with the whole getting over someone or someones who have hurt you. Everyone has a struggle, and no one can fully understand what things are like for them unless they fully are like them.
In my modern lit class, we did a minority unit. We looked at all different kinds of people-people who have mental disablities, poverty, gays, and overwieghts, to name a few. That class, although I'm never on time to it, is actually one of my favorites, because I always leave with some greater insight then I did when I walked in a few minutes later than I should. (YOLO...oh great I'm saying that.)
I have been through too many struggles in my life. Absence of a father, death of a loved one, acceptance of my body. I may handle them differently then what you guys think that I should or what you think is right. I know what's best for me. It's usually talking to someone, particularly the person who thinks I should wear an umbrella on my back, or my little sissy. I may want to sometimes write about my probelms instead of speaking to you about them. And if I don't know you, like you, or trust you, I certainly don't want to talk about my personal shit with you.
There are some things I will never understand, although it's common with my friends. I'm different from them, well some of them. But, most of them can't relate because they haven't seen the things that I've seen or had to do the things I did. Yeah, my choices aren't the best, but I often did what NATALIE thought was best for her at the time. If you were in my shoes, you would have either felt the same way, or done the same thing. I don't want to be judged for my actions, because you don't know the meaning behind them. (Fundamental Attribution Error, look at me using pyschology terms) Look at Jess from Gilmore Girls. He went through a lot, and still people judge him without getting to know him.
Everyone has a struggle. You never know what someone goes home to. So next time you judge someone, ask yourself what they go through, and what they have to do to be the person they are. Looking at people through different glasses, is sometimes necesary to not only understand others, but to understand yourself.

Tuesday, May 8, 2012

Happy For Me, Not For You.

Lately, I've been thinking a lot about my life, and motivatation for happiness. Like before now, I would admit that my happiness involved pleasing other people. Like if my mother was happy, if my best friend was happy, and if they weren't, then I would blame myself. I constantly would feel guilty for making other people miserable (although sometimes I probably did)
But then, I realized something. 
What I realized was that I wasn't living for me. I was living in misery. I was living in anger. I wasn't happy. What my goal was to be the perfect Natalie. The perfect daughter. The perfect friend. The perfect student. The perfect granddaughter. The perfect everything, to give you a more broader picture. I began to choose not to deal with things, and suddenly began to spin downhill.
What I wanted most of all was approval. I tried to pretend to be smart, but I'm not. I tried to pretend to be happy, I was miserable. I wanted to be liked, but the people that I wanted to be liked didn't understand me. I wanted to be the party girl to some of my friends, yet the girl who knew better. I wanted to be fun, and I wanted to be a nerd.
Then, I realized something. I was living for someone else, not myself. I was living to please the audience, yet the performer was left naked with her soul gone.
And you know what I realized...
I'M NOT PERFECT! No one on this planet is perfect. No one on this planet can be me, nor can I be anyone else on the planet. I don't need to fit your little mold of who I should be to be happy. I don't need to be with anyone to be happy. I don't need to be someone who I'm not control who I'm friends with. Because, if you are friends with me, then you should think I'm cool, and not want me to put on this mask to be the mold of me that I'm not.
So yeah, I'm happy. But for me, not for you.

Monday, May 7, 2012

The Feeling.

Ever have this class where you have to put in extra effort, go that extra mile, and study our asses off, just to pass? Well for me, it was AP pyschology. (Yes, I realized that I didn't have to take this class, but I did want to take at least one challenging course) This class, was literally hell on earth. I took it because at the time of signing up for my senior classes, I thought it might look good to have on AP on my transcript.
Needless to say, I regretted taking that class about the second day of school. Everyday, I would complain about it, because I was a senior, and I really didn't feel like applying effort. But somehow, I told myself that if I got through this class, in the end it would all be worth it. I also improved in that class, going from a C-, to a solid B, in addition to actually taking an interest to the materials.
After hours and days of studying, today was the AP exam. It was literally hell on earth, and gave me a migrane.
But after all of the test taking, I realized what I had accomplished. I had survived a college course. I would now be able to say "I took an AP exam, and passed an AP course." (Let's hope one day, I'll also be able to say I PASSED the exam)
I came a long way academically. Freshman year I was extremely lazy, and spend most of my time trying to get myself a boyfriend, and could care less about academics. I had a GPA (unwieghted of 5.53.) And then I realized that I wasn't living up to my full potential, so I decided to level up on my classes, going from average classes to honors classes. (Thanks to this, my sophomore year, my unwieghted was 5.8 and juinor year a 5.9) Doing that, made me realize that I'm intelligent. And so, my junior year, I decided to try a little bit of the AP world (something I never dreamed I can do.)
I realized something during all of my years of high school. If something is too easy for you, you should challenge yourself. Why? Cause the feeling of accomplishment is the best feeling in the whole world.

Friday, May 4, 2012

How Can I?

You know the commandment 'Honor thy Mother and thy Father?' Well how can I honor someone that I barely know? I mean seriously.
The only thing that I know about my father is the lies that he tells me.
"I'll be there for you", he says. He wasn't.
"Things will change", he says. They didn't.
"I can try to see you more", he says. He never did. In fact, he never even called.
And want to know where this left me? This left me confused. Who leaves their child when they are two, destined to never see her again? Who is so blinded by guilt that they can't bring themselves to face a sudden goodbye to a well respected man, who you once said had no flaws? Who doesn't make an effort to see their child go to their formals and dances, graduations, parent teacher conferences, awards, and concerts?
How can I forgive the years of anger and resentment towards you? How can I give, when you only take away from me? You are my father you say? Well why haven't you talked to me? Why haven't you been there for me? One of these days, I'll get the courage to say these things to your face. One sweet day, I will let you know that I don't need this bullshit.
But until then, think about what you have done. To me. To my mother. To everyone. It's your fault that things are like this, no one else's.

Wednesday, May 2, 2012

It's Nothing But..

I got the cutest text message last night. My mom's friend's son likes a girl, so he invited her to a game (he plays baseball.) Oh, and he's seven years old. The cutest thing is seriously hearing him talk about her. Her name is ToniMarie. He even asks his dad if he can borrow his cologne and everything. Seven year olds are the cutest. Like seriously.
Anyways, about love. Today, in my Jornalism class, we finished up the movie Crazy Stupid Love. Surprisingly, it was very good. Very non cheesy. (For those of you who have never seen the movie, you should watch it. It keeps you on your toes, and it's a good date date movie!)
Then, I got to thinking about love, and the heart. I have friends that are in a relationship. I have friends who are in like. I have friends who are single, and loving life. But a friend once told me that "you can not help who you like, that's why you like them". Is it a matter of fate? Is it a matter of timing? Or is it a card game?
I also wonder if love changes you. I mean I have friends, and myself included who have tended to lose themselves for a guy. And in the movie, Ryan Gosling's character, has fallen victim to falling in love and then changing for the girl. Sometimes, it's a good thing. But others, it can be bad. Sometimes, you can't lose yourself for someone else. Sometimes, you need to keep that fire in your soul, so that way you'll be you. Never let someone take that away from you, no matter how hard you try. Sometimes, you can't be with that person every second of your life, because then you realize that they aren't the same. Plus, too much of anything is kinda a bad thing.
There's the guys who are unhappy in their relationship. And then they cheat. Which confuses me because I know that if you truly had balls, either man or woman you should end that. 
Then there's the guys who are happy in love. I want that. I want to be me. I want to see my chicks, and I want him to go with his bros. I want the time that we do spend together to be awesome. I don't want any drama. Is that too much for someone to want?
But one thing is for certain. You have to fight for what you love. Whether it's something that you don't think that you have a chance in hell with, or someone that you've known forever, the key word here is that you have to try. Trying is something that may not get you very far, but at least that you can say that you have attempted to get somewhere.
I guess love is crazy and stupid. But, can we live with out? I believe not.

Tuesday, May 1, 2012

Better Than That.

In life you will meet people that will bring you down. There will be people that have done bad to you, such as lie to you, cheat on you, and treat you like you're not human. There will be people who will stop at nothing to bring you down. Once you have been bought down, then your misery will become at someone's joke expense.
You have two options with people like that.
One of them is to handle it, and wallow. You let them win, because you think that they can, so that they will, and there's nothing you can do about it.
Or, you can do it the classy way. Which is showing them that they don't hurt you, taking the high road, and wishing them love instead of hate. You don't back down to no bitch, take everything like a G, and call it like it is. This is good, because you drop jaws. They will eat their words, and then wonder why they ever hurt you in the first place.
I'm better than that first one. My mama taught me better than that. I don't need someone's sympathy. I'm a strong, and independent woman. I don't need anyone to tell me otherwise. After all that I went through this year, I realized that I can handle anything. I'm better than the petty shit that goes on in high school. I'm better than being your whore. I'm better than being someone's friend. I'm better than stooping down to your level. I'm better than all that you can throw at me, combined.
So come at me, world. I'm ready.