Tuesday, May 8, 2012

Happy For Me, Not For You.

Lately, I've been thinking a lot about my life, and motivatation for happiness. Like before now, I would admit that my happiness involved pleasing other people. Like if my mother was happy, if my best friend was happy, and if they weren't, then I would blame myself. I constantly would feel guilty for making other people miserable (although sometimes I probably did)
But then, I realized something. 
What I realized was that I wasn't living for me. I was living in misery. I was living in anger. I wasn't happy. What my goal was to be the perfect Natalie. The perfect daughter. The perfect friend. The perfect student. The perfect granddaughter. The perfect everything, to give you a more broader picture. I began to choose not to deal with things, and suddenly began to spin downhill.
What I wanted most of all was approval. I tried to pretend to be smart, but I'm not. I tried to pretend to be happy, I was miserable. I wanted to be liked, but the people that I wanted to be liked didn't understand me. I wanted to be the party girl to some of my friends, yet the girl who knew better. I wanted to be fun, and I wanted to be a nerd.
Then, I realized something. I was living for someone else, not myself. I was living to please the audience, yet the performer was left naked with her soul gone.
And you know what I realized...
I'M NOT PERFECT! No one on this planet is perfect. No one on this planet can be me, nor can I be anyone else on the planet. I don't need to fit your little mold of who I should be to be happy. I don't need to be with anyone to be happy. I don't need to be someone who I'm not control who I'm friends with. Because, if you are friends with me, then you should think I'm cool, and not want me to put on this mask to be the mold of me that I'm not.
So yeah, I'm happy. But for me, not for you.

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