According to Gabriel, I worry too much. In fact every time I begin the sentence 'I'm worried about...' they stop me right then and there and say 'stop worrying.'
The thing is-it's not as simple as that.
Gabriel is one of the few people who I can can call whenever I am in that freaking out stage. However, freaking out is one of the few things you can't switch out when you want to it stop. Like most storms, you simply have to ride them out and hope that they won't be cruel. We live in an age where words such as anxiety and angst get thrown around like they are going out of style. Many people from my past and my present have anxiety, and I'm no stranger to it.
Do I have anxiety? Not really? I studied mental health, and I really don't think that I have that. I do however have a hella amount of fears. Most of them stem from my relationship past, and my fears of being left.
Do you know what I worry about?
I worry of making a fool out of myself. I worry that a person is mad at me for whatever reason, even though I didn't do anything wrong. I worry that one day, a love interest will decide that I'm not good enough for him and then walk away and you'll have to file a missing person's report because he's gone MIA. I worry that I'm not enough for someone, and I'm worried that I'm too much.
Why do I worry? I worry because my first love told me that he just couldn't see me in his future. He was interested in someone else through out the entire time that we were 'together'. (The whole relationship was a joke, looking back.) I worry because even though it's been over five years since that has happened to me, I'm too sensitive for that rejection. I still can recall the amount of blood and tears that went into it. I worry because I don't want that to ever happen again. I worry because I've watched way too many episodes of 'He's Just Not That Into You.' I think too much, which was results into worry.
I sometimes wonder if my worrying gets in the way with my love life. Five and a half years later, I am still single. I most of the time wear it with a badge of honor, but to be honest, I wish that I can get up the courage to tell someone that I care about him and like him. I worry about whether or not he'll return the feelings. I worry that he'll forever hate me, when in reality it's because he left his phone somewhere. I am skeptical, perhaps a bit too skeptical for my own good. I worry about the feeling loneliness. I wonder if I'll ever get over this, or will I always be tainted, broken even.
This is more depressing then my normal posts, but I wonder when will I stop worrying. I wonder when I'll stop not believing someone when they say that they care about me. I wonder when I'm going to finally become normal again, some strange and obscene concept normality is. When will the worry end?