Chasing Butterflies

Butterflies come by everyday,
Two exactly.
They fly fast and chase each other,
Like children running in the park.
Pennies fall from heaven,
At times of doubt,
Of times of loniliness
They come from two souls above
One woman, one man.
I wish they were still here,
But as the pennies drop,
And the butterflies go by,
They remind me that they are still with me.

Struggle.

Yeah, we've all had it. However, the struggles that one faces depends on the person. Some people struggle for acceptance. Others struggle with finding a voice. Others struggle with the whole getting over someone or someones who have hurt you. Everyone has a struggle, and no one can fully understand what things are like for them unless they fully are like them.
In my modern lit class, we did a minority unit. We looked at all different kinds of people-people who have mental disablities, poverty, gays, and overwieghts, to name a few. That class, although I'm never on time to it, is actually one of my favorites, because I always leave with some greater insight then I did when I walked in a few minutes later than I should. (YOLO...oh great I'm saying that.)
I have been through too many struggles in my life. Absence of a father, death of a loved one, acceptance of my body. I may handle them differently then what you guys think that I should or what you think is right. I know what's best for me. It's usually talking to someone, particularly the person who thinks I should wear an umbrella on my back, or my little sissy. I may want to sometimes write about my probelms instead of speaking to you about them. And if I don't know you, like you, or trust you, I certainly don't want to talk about my personal shit with you.
There are some things I will never understand, although it's common with my friends. I'm different from them, well some of them. But, most of them can't relate because they haven't seen the things that I've seen or had to do the things I did. Yeah, my choices aren't the best, but I often did what NATALIE thought was best for her at the time. If you were in my shoes, you would have either felt the same way, or done the same thing. I don't want to be judged for my actions, because you don't know the meaning behind them. (Fundamental Attribution Error, look at me using pyschology terms) Look at Jess from Gilmore Girls. He went through a lot, and still people judge him without getting to know him.
Everyone has a struggle. You never know what someone goes home to. So next time you judge someone, ask yourself what they go through, and what they have to do to be the person they are. Looking at people through different glasses, is sometimes necesary to not only understand others, but to understand yourself.

Happy For Me, Not For You.

Lately, I've been thinking a lot about my life, and motivatation for happiness. Like before now, I would admit that my happiness involved pleasing other people. Like if my mother was happy, if my best friend was happy, and if they weren't, then I would blame myself. I constantly would feel guilty for making other people miserable (although sometimes I probably did)
But then, I realized something. 
What I realized was that I wasn't living for me. I was living in misery. I was living in anger. I wasn't happy. What my goal was to be the perfect Natalie. The perfect daughter. The perfect friend. The perfect student. The perfect granddaughter. The perfect everything, to give you a more broader picture. I began to choose not to deal with things, and suddenly began to spin downhill.
What I wanted most of all was approval. I tried to pretend to be smart, but I'm not. I tried to pretend to be happy, I was miserable. I wanted to be liked, but the people that I wanted to be liked didn't understand me. I wanted to be the party girl to some of my friends, yet the girl who knew better. I wanted to be fun, and I wanted to be a nerd.
Then, I realized something. I was living for someone else, not myself. I was living to please the audience, yet the performer was left naked with her soul gone.
And you know what I realized...
Ready,
Ready,
Ready,
I'M NOT PERFECT! No one on this planet is perfect. No one on this planet can be me, nor can I be anyone else on the planet. I don't need to fit your little mold of who I should be to be happy. I don't need to be with anyone to be happy. I don't need to be someone who I'm not control who I'm friends with. Because, if you are friends with me, then you should think I'm cool, and not want me to put on this mask to be the mold of me that I'm not.
So yeah, I'm happy. But for me, not for you.

The Feeling.

Ever have this class where you have to put in extra effort, go that extra mile, and study our asses off, just to pass? Well for me, it was AP pyschology. (Yes, I realized that I didn't have to take this class, but I did want to take at least one challenging course) This class, was literally hell on earth. I took it because at the time of signing up for my senior classes, I thought it might look good to have on AP on my transcript.
Needless to say, I regretted taking that class about the second day of school. Everyday, I would complain about it, because I was a senior, and I really didn't feel like applying effort. But somehow, I told myself that if I got through this class, in the end it would all be worth it. I also improved in that class, going from a C-, to a solid B, in addition to actually taking an interest to the materials.
After hours and days of studying, today was the AP exam. It was literally hell on earth, and gave me a migrane.
But after all of the test taking, I realized what I had accomplished. I had survived a college course. I would now be able to say "I took an AP exam, and passed an AP course." (Let's hope one day, I'll also be able to say I PASSED the exam)
I came a long way academically. Freshman year I was extremely lazy, and spend most of my time trying to get myself a boyfriend, and could care less about academics. I had a GPA (unwieghted of 5.53.) And then I realized that I wasn't living up to my full potential, so I decided to level up on my classes, going from average classes to honors classes. (Thanks to this, my sophomore year, my unwieghted was 5.8 and juinor year a 5.9) Doing that, made me realize that I'm intelligent. And so, my junior year, I decided to try a little bit of the AP world (something I never dreamed I can do.)
I realized something during all of my years of high school. If something is too easy for you, you should challenge yourself. Why? Cause the feeling of accomplishment is the best feeling in the whole world.

How Can I?

You know the commandment 'Honor thy Mother and thy Father?' Well how can I honor someone that I barely know? I mean seriously.
The only thing that I know about my father is the lies that he tells me.
"I'll be there for you", he says. He wasn't.
"Things will change", he says. They didn't.
"I can try to see you more", he says. He never did. In fact, he never even called.
And want to know where this left me? This left me confused. Who leaves their child when they are two, destined to never see her again? Who is so blinded by guilt that they can't bring themselves to face a sudden goodbye to a well respected man, who you once said had no flaws? Who doesn't make an effort to see their child go to their formals and dances, graduations, parent teacher conferences, awards, and concerts?
How can I forgive the years of anger and resentment towards you? How can I give, when you only take away from me? You are my father you say? Well why haven't you talked to me? Why haven't you been there for me? One of these days, I'll get the courage to say these things to your face. One sweet day, I will let you know that I don't need this bullshit.
But until then, think about what you have done. To me. To my mother. To everyone. It's your fault that things are like this, no one else's.

It's Nothing But..

I got the cutest text message last night. My mom's friend's son likes a girl, so he invited her to a game (he plays baseball.) Oh, and he's seven years old. The cutest thing is seriously hearing him talk about her. Her name is ToniMarie. He even asks his dad if he can borrow his cologne and everything. Seven year olds are the cutest. Like seriously.
Anyways, about love. Today, in my Jornalism class, we finished up the movie Crazy Stupid Love. Surprisingly, it was very good. Very non cheesy. (For those of you who have never seen the movie, you should watch it. It keeps you on your toes, and it's a good date date movie!)
Then, I got to thinking about love, and the heart. I have friends that are in a relationship. I have friends who are in like. I have friends who are single, and loving life. But a friend once told me that "you can not help who you like, that's why you like them". Is it a matter of fate? Is it a matter of timing? Or is it a card game?
I also wonder if love changes you. I mean I have friends, and myself included who have tended to lose themselves for a guy. And in the movie, Ryan Gosling's character, has fallen victim to falling in love and then changing for the girl. Sometimes, it's a good thing. But others, it can be bad. Sometimes, you can't lose yourself for someone else. Sometimes, you need to keep that fire in your soul, so that way you'll be you. Never let someone take that away from you, no matter how hard you try. Sometimes, you can't be with that person every second of your life, because then you realize that they aren't the same. Plus, too much of anything is kinda a bad thing.
There's the guys who are unhappy in their relationship. And then they cheat. Which confuses me because I know that if you truly had balls, either man or woman you should end that. 
Then there's the guys who are happy in love. I want that. I want to be me. I want to see my chicks, and I want him to go with his bros. I want the time that we do spend together to be awesome. I don't want any drama. Is that too much for someone to want?
But one thing is for certain. You have to fight for what you love. Whether it's something that you don't think that you have a chance in hell with, or someone that you've known forever, the key word here is that you have to try. Trying is something that may not get you very far, but at least that you can say that you have attempted to get somewhere.
I guess love is crazy and stupid. But, can we live with out? I believe not.

Better Than That.

In life you will meet people that will bring you down. There will be people that have done bad to you, such as lie to you, cheat on you, and treat you like you're not human. There will be people who will stop at nothing to bring you down. Once you have been bought down, then your misery will become at someone's joke expense.
You have two options with people like that.
One of them is to handle it, and wallow. You let them win, because you think that they can, so that they will, and there's nothing you can do about it.
Or, you can do it the classy way. Which is showing them that they don't hurt you, taking the high road, and wishing them love instead of hate. You don't back down to no bitch, take everything like a G, and call it like it is. This is good, because you drop jaws. They will eat their words, and then wonder why they ever hurt you in the first place.
I'm better than that first one. My mama taught me better than that. I don't need someone's sympathy. I'm a strong, and independent woman. I don't need anyone to tell me otherwise. After all that I went through this year, I realized that I can handle anything. I'm better than the petty shit that goes on in high school. I'm better than being your whore. I'm better than being someone's friend. I'm better than stooping down to your level. I'm better than all that you can throw at me, combined.
So come at me, world. I'm ready.