Dealing With Anxiety and Depression

From time to time, I fall into this dark place. Everything suddenly begins to crumble me, whether it's an obligation for school, life or work. All of a sudden, I'm crying and depressed about the fact that I am so anxious about the obligations. I then fall into the trap of not feeling "good enough" by cracking under the constant pressure I put myself under. Whether it may be getting the best grades to ensure I get another semester on Dean's List, adding more things on my resume or making sure I'm doing the best that I can at work, I sometimes begin to feel the weight of it crumble me. I then think "so many people before me have done this, why am I struggling?"
I've dealt with this constant mix of anxiety and depression for about a year now. I'm anxious because I feel like I'm constantly getting spread too thin. I feel depressed because when I'm anxious it's never a good feeling and then I have the nagging voice in my head that says "you'll never be good enough for anything." It's a voice that's cruel and a voice that constantly reminds me I need to be the best of the best.
For those of you who don't know, I'm graduating later than I had planned. The decision was a result of putting my mental health ahead of the need to squish so much in so little time. I had three options: take six classes each semester, take five classes and two summer classes or take three semesters of four classes. I chose the latter because then I can say that I can try my best without having to get completely overwhelmed with my schedule.
I never have regretted that decision, because I know it was the right one for me. Despite the fact it means not graduating with my closest friends from college.  However with school sadly around the corner, I can't help but begin to get anxious. My friends, my really good ones, will be going back to their perspective places around the world and will no longer be a ten minute car ride away. Of course, I have friends that go to my college but losing the friends I am closer to is none the less devasting. I can now longer get frozen yogurt with Gabriel or hang out with Griffin on lazy summer days. In it's place I'll be working the weekends at my school's library (which I'm used to, but I've never worked both weekend days), taking four classes (one of which I've heard was particularly challenging), working at my hometown newspaper as a freelancer and as a Style Guru for College Fashionista. And of course, there's this blog. Additionally, I might be doing an internship for credit, which I'm unsure I'm going to be able to. It's not even school yet, but I'm not sure how I feel about this. Overwhelmed? Anxious? I honestly don't know. I just know I'm not ready to face the fact that once school starts, my break will end and I have to constantly put school before everything else. I will have to face the future, and I will be stressed with deadlines and obligations of things I must do.
It's no secret that school has made me anxious. The thoughts that stream my mind are: Was that paper the best I could have made it? What if I fail that test? I need to get on Dean's List, I need to do better than that and put more effort, and I should be able to handle the stresses of school and work. However, I don't want my life to become a constant string of pushing myself too hard or too thin. It leads to me feeling so anxious about what needs to be done, and then leads to me doing badly. And then I'm depressed that I'm doing badly, and that I'm so overwhelmed with all of this. It's a vicious cycle of trying to be the best, and then failing. The failure leads to depression about it. I don't know if I actually have anxiety or clinical depression, I do know that I feel those emotions quite a bit.
The thing is I need to take care of Natalie. I'm 21 years old, and I still don't know how to do that or make it a priority. And that's something I need to learn. I need to learn that taking a break to write down what I'm feeling is okay because it will make me feel better. I need to do things that requires me to take a step back from my daily responsibilities, whether it's a quick trip to Starbucks, a walk around the block or writing in my journal. As much as it's important to have a good GPA and jobs on my resume, it's also important to not be depressed or anxious all of the time. Sometimes, everyone needs a break to reflect and to take care of themselves. It's a practice that needs to be more important than being the best in show.
I'm currently trying to pull myself on one of my signature Natalie bad moods, or the "mean-reds" as Holly Golightly calls them. Although I'm no longer sobbing on the phone to my friends, I'm still emotional and I'm still depressed. I'm trying to take care of myself, by taking the advice of a dear friend and stepping back. I read a magazine, went to one of my favorite stores and treated myself to a bracelet that helps promote calm. (whether or not it actually does, we'll have to wait and see.) Although it may appear selfish to do so, I deem it as necessary. My mental health needs to be as important to nurse as my physical. I need to give myself a break, be kinder to myself and put my happiness above everything else. (IE friends who constantly bring me down, and all of the things that are important in life) If I am too stressed out, the blog doesn't have to be
At the end of the day, I believe that's what matters more than anything else. My goals for my senior year are to stop worrying about everything under the sun, make taking care of Natalie the first priority and doing the best I can. In my opinion, despite all of my accomplishments, I think that's the best thing I can ever do. 

Music Monday: Lana and JoJo

Last week, I heard not one but two of my favorite singers will be coming out with new music. Cue the excitement and hold the phone. This calls for a Music Monday post without a doubt.
The first is Lana Del Rey. The singer will be releasing her newest single "High On the Beach" today, and I'm so excited. Her new album will be coming out soon (allegedly September,) and after hearing "Honeymoon" on her Youtube, I've been so excited for the single to available on iTunes today. Lana is one of my favorite singers, so I'm sure the album will not disappoint.

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The second is singer JoJo, whose famous for hits like "Leave (Get out)" and "Too Little Too Late." After nine years, she's finally ready to release some new music. In 2011 and 2012, she released the songs "Disaster" and "Sexy to Me" which are also some of my favorites, but now her third album is expected to be released soon as she unveiled her new logo. As a JoJo fan since I was 11, I was so excited to see this, and am so excited for the third album. I love how talented the singer is, and I really can't wait.

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Friday Faves #2

 
Happy Friday everyone! Welcome to another edition of Friday Faves. Here's some of my favorites on this lovely Friday!
Obsessed with: Tiffany and Co. jewelry. Last month, my mother bought me a Tiffany and Co. necklace when we were at Mohegan Sun. After winning at the slots, I decided to treat myself to the matching bracelet. Needless to say, I've worn both of them pretty much every day since. I love both pieces, and of course the Tiffany blue color. I probably will be back to get more, especially the keys.
Wearing: Sally Hansen's Quick Dry Nail Polish. I love this nail polish because it dries completely in less than ten minutes. One of the things I don't like about nail polish is that it takes forever to dry and I mess it up. With this nail polish, I have no risk of it and have perfect nails for about a week.
Watching: rom coms. Hello "Pretty Woman" and "Sabrina," just to name a few of my favorites.
Reading: "Saint Anything" by Sarah Dessen. This is a book from the summer reading list,  and I'm so glad to finally have a chance to read it. I'm looking foreword to posting a review sometime soon here on the blog.
What are your Friday Faves? Let me know below! 

Summertime Sadness?

August is my least favorite time of the year. School is just about to start, and soon it means saying goodbye to friends and hello to the stresses of classes. While many of my peers are looking foreword to being in the lecture halls or living on campus again, I am not. In fact, I am pretty much dreading it. As much as I am looking foreword to seeing old friends again, I feel like you're going to have to drag me to go to my classes.
Part of it is because I'm enjoying having free time and time for friends. This summer, other than working, I've managed to have fun things to do a few nights a week. However, once the semester starts, I rarely have time for anything.
As a commuter, I pretty much am only on campus for work, any student involvement and classes. Once the class ends, I go home. I do homework, and I work at the campus library on the weekends. I pretty much have no social life during the semester. And while I realize that's what I need to do to get the grades I crave, I do get a little overwhelmed and constantly want to put Natalie first. That's something I truly need to work on, especially after the mental breakdown that was last semester. 
One of my goals for the upcoming semester is to simply learn to make more time out for myself. I need to do things that make me happy, and schedule time to do something fun. It may not be every other night, but my goal is to do so once a week. Whether it may be a trip to the library, spending my Sundays at Luther House or a night out with friends, I want to make sure that I have the time to devote to making sure I'm happy.
The other part is saying goodbye to good friends. Gabriel, Griffin and Alessia are all going back to school and their perspective homes. And I'm going to miss them like crazy because they are some of the people I am closest to. Saying goodbye to my closest friends is one of the hardest things I ever have to do, but I look foreword to seeing them again. (plus Griffin has a fall break in which I get to see him, which makes me happy.)
As the summer sadly comes to an end, I'm trying to stay positive. However, that doesn't mean that I don't have a mild case of summertime sadness.

Five Years of Blogging?

A few days ago, I realized that I've been a blogger for over five years. (Two years on another blog called Notations, and three years here) While I can't believe the statistic, I can believe how fast time has changed.
I started blogging when I was a rising junior in high school. As I'm looking back at my old blog, I noticed that there wasn't much attention that was paid to it. In fact in 2010, I only had written 7 entries. I didn't fully become a blogger until 2011, when I was a junior about to be senior in high school. Back then, I used my blog as a way to vent about my feelings to thousands of people on the internet, and hoped that there were people out there that actually read it. However, I later learned that wasn't exactly the best reason because a: someone who you didn't want to read the blog will read it, and once it's on the Internet, there's no way you can take it back. Sorry, but even pressing delete wouldn't even help.
Looking back at my old entries, I can't help but notice how different everything was back then. I used to blog about the people in my day to day life, and give them psdueoms so no one including themselves would know who they were. I would analyze the events that occurred and then recounted them. It was sort of like the way Carrie Bradshaw wrote "Sex and the City" only with blog entries and a ton less fabulous.
As I look back at these little entries, a part of me cringes. However, the other part of me can't believe the growth I have experience since those days. I'm well past writing every little event that happens to me on the Internet, and have turned my blog into it's own website. I'm sure when I look back at this entry five years from now, I'll experience the same amount of cringing.
I also give blogging the full credit. I've discovered that I love writing in this little box, and filling it up with words and thoughts that I have. And I've developed a readership, expanded to social media, and with each passing day have more readers than the day before. I guess you can say that blogging is something that I will always do, because I can't picture my life not being behind a computer typing away at my computer with music blasting in my ear.
This blog, like myself, will always continue to evolve and change. I'll introduce new series, I'll write about different things. My entries will improve, as I clearly noticed the improvement of my writing from back when I was in high school.
So as I travel down memory lane, better than any ol' high school yearbook, I have to wonder what will be next. What is the next phase of my life? Where will I go next? I guess the only answer will be to stay tuned, as it will of course be "on the blog."

Book Review: Hello Hollywood

If you've checked out my latest Friday Faves or my personal Facebook (are we Facebook Official, yet? If not get with the times and like me already!) You've seen that I've read a book called "Hello Hollywood" by Suzanne Corso for my College Fashionista Internship. As a Style Guru, this was our #CFreads for the month of July. I read it about a week before our fashion talk, and I enjoyed it a lot.
The book was the third in the trilogy following Samantha Bonti. Bonti, a character based off of the events of Corso's own life, had her ups and downs in life. She has previously dated a mobster who abused her, and married a millionaire.
Now, Bonti is a widow headed out for Hollywood. She's become a successful author, and heads to Hollywood with friend Liza and daughter Isabella. She's in a relationship with Paul whose eager to turn her bestseller into a box office hit, however she's unsure at the start of the novel how she feels about him.
However, she quickly meets John Steeling who she falls completely in love with at first sight. Steeling is extremely wealthy and a partner of the movie company. Bonti quickly dumps Paul to be with Steeling, and they quickly begin to date. However Paul won't go away without a fight, as readers quickly begin to find out.
Overall, the book was an amazing read. I enjoyed it because of the way the author wrote. She made the character of Samantha extremely likable and relatable. I especially liked it because I could relate to the Italian Mob references she has. I liked the dialogue and the way the characters interacted with each other through out the book.  Finally, I also liked how she made Samantha so strong, despite the obstacles that she faced. It really made me enjoy the main character and relate to her. Corso writes this book with such skill, and she does an amazing job through out it.
I even looked into getting Corso's other novels-"A Brooklyn Story" and "Suite Life." I just had taken out a "Brooklyn Story" today from my local library and will read it sometime soon.
So, if you're looking for something different to read, I recommend checking out Corso's trilogy. Happy reading! 

Society and the Single Girl-It's All About Knowing

For as long as I've been a part of the dating scene, I've used Google as a guide to help me navigate its' craziness. Thanks to Google, I would be able to access thousands of articles about the body language of a guy that I would be interested in, and then use as a guide to conclude things about his behavior. I would also buy thousands of issues of magazines-whether they were Seventeen or Cosmo! as an attempt to fully grasp what a guy who had feelings towards me and was attracted to me, would act like and say to me.
Over seven years later, I can say I've learned one thing. And, wasted a lot of money on magazines and hours on Google. I've learned when someone likes you, you're going to know. You're not going to need a guide printed out from a silly magazine that you got at the grocery store nor are you going to need to look it up on Wikipedia. Although I will say thanks to my research I have learned a lot about body language and behavior, which is pretty interesting if you ask me.
I've written so many blog entries over the years about the very topic-how do you know if someone likes you? How do I know if he likes me? On my older blog, I've deliberated it time and time again about whether or not someone had feelings for me. I wish I can go back in time and assure myself that you will know. And how will you know?
It's a simple equation really. You'll know by the way they look at you, and they look at you like you're the only person in the world who means something. You'll know that when they say they like you and go out on a date. You'll know they like you when they hold you and you know they like you when they seem to have the desire to actually listen to all of your crazy stories. I'm not good at math, and this is only the beginning of the criteria of how to know if someone likes you.
Sometimes, it's okay to indulge in a simple Google search. But the real answer is, it's a feeling that you get. At least, in my very limited experiences anyways, as well as hearing others talk about it.