An Open Letter to My Dad

Dear Dad,

I shouldn’t even grace you with that title, as the term “father” applies to someone who was actively there for his daughter. You were not. You left me, along with my mother, when I was two years old, and traded us for an entirely new family kind of like someone would trade in their car. This trade was complete with a new trophy wife, and two new children (one your own, and one was your stepchild). There was no room for me, your daughter, despite your constant invitations that never went fulfilled.

There were times when I would go for weeks or months on end without hearing so much as an “hello” from you. There were months when I never saw you, and whenever I did, I felt like I was the odd one out. You neglected to call me when you said you did, and whenever you did it would feel like Christmas. You were never there for me growing up. You never saw me go to the prom or graduate high school. You can blame me until you’re blue in the face, but I’m old enough to know that you were the one in the wrong.

Psychology often blames the mother for their shortcomings, but I blame you for mine. I blame you for me constantly worrying that people are going to walk out on me, just like you did to me. How am I going to expect someone to stay and be there for me, when you couldn’t stay with me through my terrible twos? You were supposed to stand by me, not try to tear me down.

Growing up without you hurt, but as I enter my 20’s, I realize that you are the one that missed out. You could have been there for me, through high school concerts and watch me graduate high school. But you weren’t, and you never tried to be. Fathers are supposed to be there for their daughters, that’s part of their job. But, you never did your job.
I guess to you I’ll always be the black sheep from your failed marriage. I guess to you I’ll never be in that perfect suburbia paradise you call home, and that’s okay. You were the one that lost out, Dad. You were the one who will never know me, which is your loss. You’ll never give me away, nor see my college graduation.

Dad, I hope you’re happy in the choices that you made, however, I also hope that you’re haunted by what you gave up when you made them. You sacrificed me, your only daughter, for a new life and a new wife. I hope that it was all worth it, because you lost something great.

Sincerely,

Your Only Daughter

Things to Do When You're Anxious

Having panic attacks is one of the worst things that I have ever experienced. What I've learned is that there's something you can do to get through it, and you can get through it. Believe it or not, there are steps you can do to help combat anxiety and make it through a panic attack. Need some ideas? Look no further. Here's somethings you can do to fight a panic attack and fight anxiety. Remember, you're pretty awesome, no matter what you're dealing with.

1. Go for a walk or a run. 
2. Listen to music. 
3. Write in a journal about your feelings. 
4. Pet your dog. 
5. Call your friend. 
6. Take deep breaths. 
7. Drink tea. 
8. Eat a cupcake. 
9. List all of the good things in your life. 
10. Watch a favorite television show of yours.

Do you have anxiety? Let me know in the comments below how you deal with it. 

New Haven Adventure

Last Friday night, I found myself hanging out with Gabu, as is the usual occurrence when they are home. This Friday night, we were headed to New Haven, Conn. to head to the Book Trader Cafe so Gabu can sell some old books to make some extra money. So, I being the person always wanting to go to New Haven, decided to offer to take the ride with them. (That, and I was being promised Starbucks.) So with that being said, we headed to New Haven.

Tree

We parked my car on a side street and then made our way to the bookstore, carrying several bags of books. It was severely cold out, however, on the way we stumbled across the fact that the tree for Christmas was still up. We made a mental note to come back, seeing as we were struggling to carry the books that we were carrying.

Of course, Gabu and I had to take a selfie in front of it.

Once we dropped off the books, we got our Starbucks. Gabu got a chai latte, and I got a Tazo Passion Iced Tea along with a cookie dough cake pop. After getting our goodies, we headed to the Tree, where naturally we took a few selfies. After that, we headed back to the car, and headed home.

Posing with some coffee!

Overall, it was a fun outing. It was nice to spend some time with Gabu, which I will surely miss as they head back to school next week. We had a fun night, and hopefully will have a few more before they head back to school.

Society and the Single Girl: The Correct Way of Falling

Love is something that is strange. Everyone on this Earth carries a love story in their pocket. Some of their stories ended in tears and tragedy, while others ended in joy. Every story, however, is different then the next. It varies in cast of characters and situation. However, they all have the common bond which is love.
As a clueless teenager who didn't know anything about love, I would read magazines such as Seventeen and Cosmo! I would use them as bibles to tell me how to talk to a guy and flirt with him effectively so that he would ask me out. I would read over them intently, memorizing their content better than I ever did for any exam in high school. I thought they contained the answers on how to score a boyfriend, but I ended up spending most of my high school time being single. All of those magazines would say different things about relationships. Some would say to jump into it without thinking about, while others would say that you need to test the waters before jumping in headfirst. Needless to say, the teenaged version of my was extremely confused as to what was the "correct" way to score a boyfriend. None of the flirting concepts felt right, and none of them ever felt like me.
Disregarding the matter of whether or not I needed a guy by my side to rule, I don't believe there's a correct way to get a boyfriend. Everyone has a love story, and it's not written according to the rules set by someone in a magazine. Some people fall in love with their best friend. Others fall in love with their neighbor. Some people go online to meet someone whose the person whose right for them. My best friend Gabu met their boyfriend online while they were studying abroad. Their parents met when they were in college. An old friend from high school met her boyfriend in college. Former classmates of mine met in the halls of my high school. See? Everyone's story is different, but it's still beautiful. As I still search for Prince Charming, I wonder what my story complete with a happily ever after will be like. While I believe that it's a question of fate and being at the right place at the right time, I also believe that it's up to you as well. You could search left and right to find someone, and not find anyone. You go on Tinder with the belief that it's going to find someone. But, unless you go out with that person who you gave a green heart to, you're not going anywhere and your relationship status won't change. Sure, you found a cute guy to talk to, but it doesn't mean anything because you didn't get his number or ask him out to coffee.
So, to the younger version of myself and those who credit their education of the opposite sex to a stack of magazines, here's my advice. I believe that you should throw out the magazines, and do whatever your little heart desires. Talk to that person, do things your way. Don't listen to others, and try to ignore the rules that others believe is right. In love, there's nothing right other than what is right for you. If you find someone who takes your breath away, talk to them and see where it goes. There's no correct way to find someone and to fall in love. It's 2016, you can ask a guy for his number. It happens to everyone at different paces. Sure, the magazines may be helpful, but the editors don't know you by name and story. So, do yourself a favor and listen to your heart. I can vouch that it knows you better than you know yourself. 

Why Out of the Woods By Taylor Swift Holds A Special Meaning to Me

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Ever have a song that when you listen to it, it just reminds you of a person or a time in your life? It's like one second you're fine, but the next minute (when the song comes on usually), you can picture that person or thing you're trying to black out. Sometimes it's a person. Sometimes, it's a memory such as nostalgia.
One song that does that for me is "Out of the Woods" by Taylor Swift. The song, when it came out, instantly reminded me of my now ex fling. When I listened to it the first time, it exactly mirrored how I felt about him at that time. We rarely talked then (and we rarely do now), and a part of me still questioned what happened. It bought back those emotions, and I thought "hey this song reminds me what I feel about this person." The song is a beautifully written song about the fragility of relationships, and how fragile the people in them are.
Lyrics such as "Remember when you hit the brakes too soon/20 stitches and a hospital room/you started crying and I did too" and "looking at it now, last December/we were built to fall apart and fall back together," both resonated to me. We had gotten closer to each other in December. We began breaking when he had a panic attack in front of me, because I freaked out due to the fact I didn't know what was happening in front of my eyes. I was scared, of his panic attacks and of falling for him. I was scared, so I began to ran. I remember what sent me in a sprint-he felt freaked out about someone.
The reason why my ex-fling and I never got together was because of fear. I was afraid to tell him I wanted to be his girlfriend. I wasn't sure how he felt, so I didn't say how I felt. We went on dates, and he did nice things for me. But, nothing ever happened. Two years later, I am content with that. I moved on to better things, and as for him, I don't know what he's doing. All I know is whenever I talk to him, I think "how did I like this person?"
But, when I listen to the song "Out of the Woods," I am taken back to a cold Dec. night, when his touch and kindness made me weak in the knees. I remember going to a movie, and wondering if he was going to kiss me (he didn't.) I guess I'll never fully get out of the woods, and that's okay. The song itself is a beautiful one, and one of my favorites. However, I will always be reminded of him, even when I'm married. And a memory is something I am content with. 

Why I Shared My Grades

Recently, I read this article on the Odyssey about why you shouldn't post your final grades on social media sites. And while I agree with the author's points about it adding to the culture of comparing ourselves through others through social media, I'm going to have to disagree with her about why we shouldn't be posting our final grades. Especially since I posted a screen shot of my final grades in the last week.
I usually don't post pictures of my final grades, because I don't think it's something that people should know. However, this semester was the hardest for me, because I was working three different jobs. I also was dealing with anxiety. When I got my midterm grades, I was discouraged, because my grades were nowhere near where I thought they should be. I panicked, because I was worried that I would lose my place on Dean's List. But, with all that I was dealing with, I was going to have to come to terms with the fact that I may lose my spot.
But, somehow, I managed to not. Instead, I got a 3.67, which is 3 As and 1 B. I was astounded, as I was anticipating for much lower GPA. I couldn't have been more proud of myself and for my success. I struggled throughout the entire semester, and somehow the panic attacks and the tears became worth it. So, I decided to share it with my friends and family, because I was proud of myself. I worked pretty damn hard for my grades, so why not share them with the world?
However, the point the author makes in the article is pretty valid. Everyone has their friend's day to day lives in their pocket, there to look at whenever you feel like it's important. Because of this, it's easy to compare ourselves to others. It's easy to feel jealous, and not feel like we're good enough. Why aren't we on Dean's List like them? Why can't I have a boyfriend, like that person does? Social media adds fuel to the fire of our insecurities and causes us to feel negative about things.
So here's what I say about posting your grades. To those who posted them on social media, because they are proud of them, good for you. You worked hard for those grades. And for those who didn't make Dean's List, you still worked really hard. This is only my second semester on it, and I understand how it feels to be close or to work really hard without the reward. You still worked hard, and no matter what is posted on social media.
Either way, it's your decision to post what you want to post on social media platforms. You're friends with someone on Facebook for a reason--they should be rooting for you instead of dragging you down. Therefore, post your final grades if you're proud of them. I'm sure you worked pretty damn hard for them. 

2016 Resolution: To Be Happy

I have a love hate relationship with resolutions. Usually, it's a hate one because I never remember my resolution more than a week after I make them. So, now that 2016 is here, I'm going to make one, and actually try to stick to it. Wish me luck.
My resolution for 2016 is to be happy and healthy both mentally and physically. 2015 was a good and successful year, in terms of academics, work, and life in general. I made Dean's List both Spring and Fall 2015, I got better jobs as time went on, and I even did a bit of traveling. However, I will look back at 2015, and remember something else. Anxiety. Anxiety, that cold little ghost that lies in the back of my closet, ready to spring and haunt me at a moments notice. Anxiety, paralyzing me from doing anything other than want to grasp onto anything that will offer me an ounce of support. Anxiety can make me want to burst into tears, despite having a good day otherwise. I hate that stupid anxiety, and 2016 I am going to devote to making sure it tries to stay away.
In 2016, I'm going to try my best to be happy. I'm going to try to not worry so much as I go back to school, and am struggling to stay sane as the homework piles up. I'm going to try to do more things for fun, and more things to look foreword to. I'm going to try to not worry that I'm not going to do well, and try my best. I think that's the best medicine to keep the anxiety infection away, and the right steps to take as I look to take care of myself. I think that's what I want to spend 2016 doing. Hopefully, it will equal happiness, but we'll have to wait and see.
So while everyone around me pledges to lose that last bit of unwanted pounds, or do something else that seems out of reach, I'll try to better myself. I think that's the best kind of resolution out there, if you ask me.