Thursday, June 20, 2013

This Is Me..Now.

I think over the past few years, I've done so much changing. My senior year of high school was perhaps one of my hardest. I basically had to say goodbye to a person who raised me (my grandfather), and watch him suffer and slowly die. All while taking SATs, figuring out where I was going to go to school next year, and an AP class. It felt like I was stressed at all angles of my life. All I wanted to do was sit in a corner and cry about my life, and it felt like I was all alone. (In reality, I wasn't. I had good friends that I took for-granted. So if anyone of you are reading this, you guys are awesome.)
Now, after finishing up my first year of college, and at last obtaining a permit, I can not help but notice changes in me both mentally and physically. I'm much more responsible than I was back then. I go to class on time, (something that was a foreign concept to me back in my high school years), I spend over twenty hours a week studying, and after a long process, have officially become a double major in English with a specialization of creative writing, and psychology with a specialization of mental health. I stress over grades, and I may not know where I'm going to end up when I walk the stage in 2017, but I have a few more years to discover what I want to do in the mental health field.
As for my friends, I realized that the friends that I have now are legit. I do miss some of my high school friends, especially ones who I was extremely close with, but it's safe to say that I've managed to keep the vast majority of my old friends, in addition to making new ones. (New friends are cool too!)
My attitude towards life has changed as well. I remember when I used to be sad almost everyday. Now, I'm not longer that girl with the problems. I'm the girl who spends too much time with her homework. I read too many books, and I go out sometimes with my friends. I listen to hardcore rock and roll, and am about five pounds smaller than I used to be. I'm happy with myself, and no longer wear clothes that remind me of billboards (however, I do enjoy leggings!).
I still remain single, however, the difference between then and now is that it mostly doesn't bother me. It's hard to find a guy who understands me, for me. I don't want to be someone's everything. I want to be someone's something. I have a wicked course-load and I can't spend all of my time being with someone. (I do however want to spend some time with that person.) I want someone to be my best friend, in addition to my boyfriend. I want to be able to talk to them, because I think it's important to be able to talk to someone. I mostly want to be with a person who gets me, my goals, and my schema.
I'm still sometimes insecure, and I still have moments when I wonder if I'm good enough. But the truth is, I am. I walk like I own the world, and I know that I'm going to be something someday. Although sometimes I may encounter bumps here and there, I know that wallowing isn't going to get me anywhere. I'm happy and I wear it well. This is My voice is still out there, and maybe it's meant to never be found. However, I'll never stop looking for it. I'll never stop looking for a place to shine. I'll never stop looking for my prince to someday sweep me off my feet.
This is

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