A Bit More Personal

Below is something that I had written a while back in my private Tumblr. I'm not sure whether or not this is a poem or not, but it's something. It's a bit more personal, but sometimes it's needed. 

I’m scared of what this can lead to. I’m scared of you. I’m scared of the memories that still sometimes haunt my dreams at night. There are the dreams of him when he told me that I wasn’t good enough, thin enough, pretty enough. He bought me down, then made me trust him. I grew attached, turning into someone who wasn’t me. 

Four years ago, that happened.

There are those moments when I feel free, and there are moments when you make me smile. You compliment me, my sweetest cup of tea. But the past still haunts me, the ghost that will never silence. It will always haunt me, making me a victim. 

I will never understand why you did that to me. I will never understand why I stayed with you as long as I did. I deserved better. I feel like because of you, I will never fall in love, and always wear the hat as a victim. I will never understood how you broke my heart the way that you did. I was left bleeding at the core, wondering if I would ever get over it. 

I did. 

I survived, and now there’s him. He sits there, ready for me to be that girl. But I have a past, I have issues, I can’t just let him in. I wish that I can tell you why I’m different than all of the others. I wish that I can tell you why I am so messed up. I wish I can say that I was a victim, and that I can’t say the words you want to hear.

I can be your girl, but it’s not going to be easy. It’s hard for me to admit this, and perhaps I never will. I may never be able to tell you fully. I was to blame. I should have walked away, but instead I was full of hormonal stupidity. I was full of it. I thought he loved me but he didn’t. Sweet words did me wrong. They make me doubt yours. Will I ever be normal, in a relative sense. I’m afraid of a lot of things, of looking like a fool, or just of what you’re doing in general. I need someone, perhaps a guardian angel to remind me that it’s over. He will never be anywhere near me to hurt me again. But I’m afraid of giving you that same power. I’m afraid that you will yell at me, toss me aside like he did. 

I will wonder if I had meant anything to him. 

I wonder if I mean anything to you. 

At the end of the day, I want to be loved, showered with it like it was pouring out of the sky. I deserve it after that much darkness. But sometimes I ever wonder if in some senses, can I ever be happy? Can I ever get over the pain of yesterday? Or yesteryear. 

I sometimes wish feelings were like chalk. That way they can wash away, the running colors spreading to farther distances. 

It will be okay. 

It’s over now.