Friday, July 25, 2014

What I Know

I've been blogging for over four years about my insight about romantic relationships. On my old blog 'Notations', I kept you informed about my own love life. Currently, I use this blog to vent about my qualms about relationships, and to express my opinions. And during that time, I still am without a Prince Charming to come and wisk me away on my white horse. My computer's a bit different, I am a bit older and wiser, and yet I sometimes feel like I know less now then I did then.
The last relationship I had was in June 2010, when I agreed to be someone who liked my friend's girlfriend. However, that all came tumbling down in a matter of hours because he was...well creepy...and he basically just wanted a girlfriend. Plus, the fact that he came on too strong wasn't exactly the most helpful thing in the world. Then, there was the whole Mr. Big (I called the guy I liked back in junior year Mr. Big on my blog because I was obsessed with 'Sex and the City' back in junior year) thing, which didn't exactly leave a pretty mess. (But, then again what kind of mess is beautiful, other than an app of course). Then last year I casually dated someone. As I sit here, and reflect on my romantic past, I begin to realize how much I've matured since those days. I've also grown to be independant, and grew allergic to the whole cliche thing. I have difficulties letting people in, I can't keep my opinions to myself, worry about getting hurt, and perhaps on occaision am a bit too emotional. Who would love that?
I sometimes wonder if I'm like Maggie from 'Runaway Bride.' Maggie, for those of you who didn't see the movie, stands up three different grooms. The fourth one is Richard Gere, who I also happen to find to be very attractive. #justsayin' Maggie was overwelmed by committment because she wanted to 'ride her own horse'  (her words, not mine) I am beginning to think that I am a lot like Maggie Carpenter. Minus the whole ditching the groom at the alter thing.
Many of my friends have found relationships. Some long term, some interchangable as the years went on. However, I still stand behind a computer typing my opinions on them. During the time between the two blogs, I have basically 180'd my opinions of relationships. I started by simply wanting someone to love me the way that rom coms played romance out. As I am entering my 20s, nothing can be more different. I can honestly say that I want to be equal. I don't know if I want to get married, mainly because I am only 20. Many of my friends are in that stage with their boyfriends where cliches overrule, and marriage is a possiblity. I also even have a friend that's married. Meanwhile, I am the one whose that single friend.
I have nothing wrong with being single. I have awesome friends, I have two wonderful jobs, and I survived my first two years of college without dying. I sometimes feel lonely, especially when Valentine's Day rolls around and I buy myself something shiny. I do however wonder if I'm loveable or dateable. I am not innocent, and I often think a bit too much. I observe others around me, and then I give them my advice, whether it's about dating or otherwise. I feel guilty when I hurt other people, mainly because I don't want to be the cause of anyone's wounds, even if they do in fact deserve it. I am the kind of person who would rather lay on top of someone and talk about anything but the way that I feel with them. I am scared of failure, and I am scared of being hurt. I am myself, and at the end of the day, I know that's all that I can offer to someone.
I've come along way from the girl who wrote about her Mr. Big on a HP Pavilion as a writer and as a person. I'm the girl that knows her limits, and tries to set up balances in life. I am the girl who simply falls even when she's not in motion. I don't know what I want in love yet. I do however know my professional future, which is a start. I'm hoping that in a way that my love life will fall into place the way that my decision to become a jornalist did. But deep down, I know that relationships aren't meant to be clean cut.
As I conclude one of the more personal blog entries that I've written since I don't even remember when, I hope that you all are still with me, and still reading. If you are, than you're pretty awesome. This may be the most soul-baring blog post that I've written in a while, however I am not sorry for all that I'm writing. I guess I'll sit behind my Mac and wait for my partner in life to come and find me. I know he's out there, and I am happy to meet him. And in the mean time? Get ready for some awesome blog entries.


  1. Sometimes we have to learn to be completely happy on our own so we can learn who we are before we are ready to have someone else in our lives. That way we know who we are and what we want and who we might be compatible with. I didn't have my first boyfriend until February of this year, and I'm almost 21.

  2. I totally agree with you; I think we need to learn how to depend ourselves for happiness before being idependant. Really? That is awesome! BTW you and Paul are so cute! Thank you for commenting